What is the reason?
Do things really happen for a reason? And if so, what is it?
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Today did not start as a very good day for me. It is a shame because yesterday was very good.
Yesterday, the sun was up. I was with my friends, whom I don’t really get to see that often these days because we are all pretty busy with this thing called life. We had decided to go to a park and have a picnic. We ate like Kings and Queens. And I love eating so it really made me happy. I was even more happy because we put some summer music on. We were all so happy! We were talking, laughing, teasing each other, dancing, nothing could stop us! Then we went to a bar because their university (the university I was in before I graduated) organized a little afterwork. So we went, once again very happy moods, dancing the night away etc…
Then it happened.
Someone had stolen my wallet from my bag… My bag was with everyone else’s on a table near where we were dancing. My friend literally told me a few hours before that I could stop babysitting the bags, that no one would steal something right in front of our eyes and besides most people in the bar were people that we knew. And to make things even more peculiar, I had put things on top of my wallet in the bag (like a big winter scarf) because I did not want people to be encouraged to take my wallet because it was visible and there for everyone to see. (My bag was one of those bags that did not have a zipper, it is just open, hence why I was extra careful! But not careful enough apparently…)
When I discovered the news I could not believe it. It was not there. It definitely was not there and I was not dreaming. I runned to my friends in panic saying “someone stole my wallet! someone stole my wallet!”
We asked the owner of the bar if he had seen it or if someone had given it to him but the answer was no. We checked under the tables, in my friend’s bag (she also had an open bag by the way), we searched everywhere but ultimately I knew that it was gone…
And that is when the river started… I cried… And cried… And cried some more…
At first I think it was out of panic. Then it was out of tiredness.
I was tired…
See, I’m not the kind of person that heavily complains or that put everything that happens to them on the bad luck card. I am not the kind of person that think they are the most unlucky people in the world. Because I know that somewhere someone is probably having it worse. Somewhere, someone does not even have food or a home. So who am I to complain? I do not allow myself to complain and play the victim because it is just something that I am not able to let myself do. I just think of other people and I find myself ridicule for even thinking that I could complain. But at this moment I was really deeply and utterly tired. Because although I might not be the unluckiest person in the world, I do have a level of unluckiness that is tiring me…
Let me explain:
Last year, I already lost 2 of my phones. I lost one phone. Got another one. And a few weeks later, it was night time and someone passed by me snatching my phone way without me knowing. It still baffles me to this day. They have unexplicable new techniques of stealing, it scares me…
But that is not everything. See, I have realized that throughout my life I have lived things that, I wouldn’t really consider as being unlucky events but I don’t know… It is hard to explain the way that I feel about all this but I am going to try to explain everything to you.
I am what you could call a good girl. Like the real kind of good girls. I do not smoke. I do not drink. I do not fuck around. To be honest with you (and mostly with me), I am still a virgin. I never found someone who I wanted to share this moment with. I like reading and staying by myself. I like making my friends and everyone around me smile or laugh. I am always the one that lights up the mood. I am the one that takes care of their friends at parties, when they have to puke or something happened with their boyfriends etc… But I am also very shy and reserved. Although a lot of people will beg to differ because I also am very carefree and easy-going and a bit loud and just all around a happy-go-lucky girl that is not afraid to shout it out. You can say that I am an enigma. Even I, sometimes get confused by how different from myself I can be (if that even makes sense). But that’s how I am, I am afraid of people but at the same time I love people. (Makes no sense haha) I love kids and I have always taken care of kids. I am a big kid myself at times and I like letting my inner kid take control from time to time (most of the time haha). I am very serious and organized. I like things to be done when they should be done and how it should be done. I care an awful lot about people. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I am nice to people etc… I’m not saying I don’t make any mistakes nor am I saying that I am perfect. I am just saying that I am that person that most people would refer to as the “good girl”.
The thing that I want to talk to you about is kind of corny though… Even thinking about it, I feel ridiculous. But there it is. Bear in mind that I really do not like complaining and what I am about to say will sound a bit childlike and I hate myself for thinking about it. But I have learned to notice little things in my life and try to analyze them or try to understand them. So all I am trying to do here is try to understand my life, why it is this way and why things happened the way that they did.
Okay, so as I said earlier, I am a virgin. But I also never had a boyfriend. Maybe one for 2 seconds last year but I do not really want to talk about it because there is nothing to talk about. It’s not relevant, trust me. So yeah, I am 21 and I never had a real boyfriend. I also forgot to mention in my good girl list that my first kiss was at 19 years old! But what I want to talk about is that throughout my life, no one was ever interested in me. I was that girl that people would approach in order to get informations about their friends. (“The duff” for people familiar with that term) And I get it I have gorgeous friends and I love them more than anything! When I was little I moved a lot from city to city and country to country. Plus, I was very insecure and I was trying to figure out who I was. So I really do understand why people were not really interested in me. I was not really interested in me either. I was trying to be like other people. Trying to fit in etc… So I really have no regrets when it comes to my childhood, I am glad I did not have a boyfriend actually. Because looking back at it, it wouldn’t have made any sense. And I was not interested in anyone in particular, so it was for the better. Anyway, then I moved to a high school where I did not like the students. Not because I hate people. But because I could not relate to them, they were like the kind of people that used to bully me when I was little. They would talk about me behind my back or even right in front of me, thinking I would not understand. But I did not care, I lived my life, focused on my studies, graduated and I was out of there. Then, college, I was finally understanding who I really was and who I wanted to be. I gained wonderful friends. I started to go out more. I started to, just be myself. I stopped caring about what people thought about me, or if they liked me or not.
Then I liked a boy. And long story short. He was interested in my friend. He played me and kind of used me but I did, foolishly, let him…
But I did not tell you all that just because of a heartbreak! To be honest, I am thankful it happened! Now I have learned my lessons. And now I know that even though I am a good girl I should not let myself be played around. I should know what I deserve and I deserved so much better!
All that to say, I always had this constant “lack of luck”. I am not saying my life is bad. Like I said before, I don’t intend to complain. But my life is very odd. Almost too odd. And I come to a point where I am tired of this oddness. And I would like to understand where it comes from. And most importantly, why? I am the kind of person that usually puts the blame on themselves. Even if, I am not at fault. I always second guess my actions and words. Did I do or say something to get to this problem? Is it my fault? Of course it is my fault! In the case of my wallet, I could’ve been more careful. In the case of my heartbroken, I should’ve known better. In other cases, I should have thought about this more. But this way of thinking is wrong on SO many levels! Shit happens. I (sadly) cannot control everything! Not everything is my fault! It is okay to give myself a break at times. It is okay to take off the pression off my shoulders. It is (very) hard for me to do, but I am learning!
If you read my other stories, you would know that I am all about positivity and staying strong. I do believe that things will happen if you are willing to make them happen. I am a dreamer and a believer.
But it is also hard to wash away those negative thoughts. The ones that runs through my mind everytime something bad happens to me like “did I do something wrong to the world?” ; “Did I break a mirror or something?” ; “Why me?” or even “This will not happen to me, I have such a bad luck” ; “I don’t deserve this good thing to happen to me” ; “I am not good enough for this good thing to happen to me” etc… I do believe that things happen for a reason but sometimes I can’t help but wonder “Yes but why?”. Why did my life had to be this way? What is the reason for me losing 2 phones and a wallet? Why did I have to let my guard down and let myself like someone when it caused my heart to be crushed in pieces? Where is the purpose in that? I do not understand sometimes… But like always, I try to stay positive. And after a few cries and a few hours with my friends I was able to come back to my laughing-smiling self. Completely forgetting about what happened to me. First of all because, I can still get back everything that I had in my wallet, so the world is not over! Secondly, even if I do not see it right now, all of that might have happened for a reason. I just don’t know the reason yet. And like I said to my friend jokingly “Maybe the reason is that one day I will be a billionaire and I will look back at that night and laugh and say to the person that stole my wallet ‘nice try! you tried to steal my money but look at me now!’”. Mind you I said this inbetween cries, with tears rolling down my cheeks. Of course I was joking but it was a way for me to stay positive and also to say something stupid that would most likely make me laugh. But who knows? Maybe it really is the reason behind that awful night.
After barely any hours of sleep and a few clicks on my keyboard, I have come to the conclusion that I have to stay positive. I am a positive person after all. I cannot just throw that away because of a wallet. Or because of a couple of things that happened to me. And I know that sometimes I feel like the world has a huge target on my back and it is shooting non-stop for no reasons. But there is a reason why my life is the way that it is. There is a reason why I am the way that I am. Things will be tough for me, I know. But I think that I was put on this earth to be strong no matter what. To take every punch and blow that come my way. I am an underdog fighting trying to stay strong. And I will fight till the day that I die. It is hard to not feel defeated. But winners don’t stay down forever. One day my life will make perfect sense to me. And that day will make everything worthwhile.
I wrote more about this subject here if you want to read it.
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