You Have Three Choices in Handling Conflict

11 min readSep 28, 2023

Understand Them and Avoid the One Wrong Choice

Conflict is unavoidable. If you go through life pursuing something worth pursuing, it is inevitable you will butt heads with someone.

Most of the time, conflict is not desirable. We would much prefer to live in a world where everyone collaborates harmoniously. But that is just not reality. Whether caused by a misunderstanding, competition, or a real mismatch of plans, desires, and objectives, conflict is so natural to life and to human beings, that we might as well stop trying to avoid it and instead, try figuring out what our strategies are WHEN we have conflict. Not IF we have conflict. Don’t get me wrong, stay away from conflict as much as you can. But it is better to be prepared.

Sure, conflict is not always a bad thing. It can be good for moving forward, for resolving issues that need resolving. Competition and conflict can get some people to perform at their best, to learn and improve faster than they otherwise would have. Conflict can be a good testing ground for your skills, for your philosophy of life. But only as long as we approach conflict the right way.

Here is another thought. If you come across people who are friends with everyone and never have conflict with anyone, watch out. This is a bit of a red flag for me, to be honest. Either this person does not have opinions on anything, or they are hiding them really well.

So what is a conflict? More than a disagreement. When two people have a disagreement, they can usually walk away without changing their minds and no harm is done. If there is a conflict, there is an implicit threat of some sort. And if unresolved, conflict can fester negative emotions for a very long time.

FIRST, SOME GENERAL PRINCIPLES

This is about your first reaction to conflict. About having the right posture and mindset to be able to decide on the way forward.

Listen. Really listen. Before you say, or do anything, it helps to get as much information as possible. Don’t rush to respond. Actually, listen, don’t use “active listening” gimmicks. Check out my article on the subject here.

Control your emotions. This is not easy, of course. Conflict feeds on emotions. But there are a few things you can do.

Maintain your composure. Try to stay calm. Nassim Nicholas Taleb said it best — real strength is about the domestication of one’s emotions, not pretending they don’t exist. However difficult it gets, remind yourself — this too shall pass. Composure is the first line of defense against the primal emotions — panic and rage.
Be here and now. Don’t bring past grudges into this specific conflict. Leave the past and also the future out of it.
Be respectful. Handling victory humbly and defeat gracefully can pay unexpected dividends in the future. Whoever you have a conflict with today may be an ally tomorrow. Don’t burn bridges unnecessarily by having a horrible attitude.
Accept the human nature — as it is. Remember what the Roman Emperor Markus Aurelius said we had to remind ourselves at the beginning of each day: “When you wake up in the morning, tell yourself: The people I deal with today will be meddling, ungrateful, arrogant, dishonest, jealous, and unfriendly.” We can only decide to be a certain way ourselves. We cannot change how other people are. This is the foundation of Stoicism — accept what you cannot control and focus on what you can control — your thoughts, your attitudes, and your actions. But Stoicism also has an incredibly powerful framework that can help with this — the concept of sympatheia, which is about everything being interdependent and interconnected. We are all part of a common whole. Every person, even those you can’t stand, must exist. More in another one of my articles here.
Exercise empathy. A lot of times we are advised to suspend judgment. I am not sure that is possible. We have biases known to ourselves, but also some that we are not even aware of. So focus on empathy. Try to see things from the other side’s perspective and imagine yourself in their place. This can be very difficult, particularly if the other side is unpleasant, rude, or destructive. But even making a quick attempt can go a long way — thinking of the concept of sympatheia can help. And the next point will be easier.

Manage your perceptions. “Choose not to be harmed — and you won’t feel harmed. Don’t feel harmed — and you haven’t been.” This quote from Marcus Aurelius is a perfect short maxim summarizing the Stoic approach to choosing the right perspective. With the right perspective maybe you won’t even engage in this particular conflict.

After Action Review. I really like this military term. You won’t be able to manage each conflict well to a peaceful solution. Sometimes things will go bad. But one way or another, after each such “experience” — success or failure — the process of going over what went right or wrong, what lessons can be learned, and how “the troops” can be more effective in the future is a wise practice.

Now let’s talk about an incredibly useful, albeit simple, mental model that can be of tremendous help in conflict situations.

Enter Hanlon’s Razor.

‘Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by neglect/incompetence/stupidity.’

Or, in simple terms, not everyone is out to get you.

The phrase is attributed to writer Rober J. Hanlon, although similar sentences have been uttered by Napoleon Bonaparte and Johann Wolfgang von Goethe.

If you feel you are under attack, it is much more difficult to control your emotions. Remind yourself that in most cases, you may be dealing with incompetence, rather than malice.

Hanlon’s Razor helps remove malice from the equation. It helps to be less suspicious of the other side. You are no longer coiled like a cobra, waiting to strike. You can give yourself some breathing space to think, analyze, calculate, and arrive at the best possible decision.

Another, less-discussed aspect of Hanlon’s Razor has to do with language. I work for the United Nations where English is the second, or sometimes third or fourth language of people around me. When someone says something that sounds problematic, it helps to remind ourselves that it could just be a language issue, rather than a deliberate attempt to hurt us.

Of course, Hanlon’s Razor is not an invitation to be naive. Just pragmatic. Sometimes people ARE malicious. So use your experience and logic.

NOW, LET’S TALK ABOUT YOUR THREE CHOICES.

There are models, frameworks, 7-step this, 5-point that — many, many recommendations on how to handle conflict. But pretty much everything you can do usually falls within these THREE broad choices. My focus here is on what is the healthiest approach for you in the long run. Keep in mind, however, that healthy does not mean easy or comfortable. Like cold showers, morning runs, lifting heavy weights, intense sparring rounds, and staying away from fast food and sweets. Healthy. Rarely Easy.

The three choices are:

ENGAGE
ACCEPT AND MOVE ON
SUFFER

Let’s go through these one by one.

ENGAGE

Face the problem. Charge. Attack. I don’t mean physically, of course. I mean engage head-on and accept the consequences, whatever they may be. Here are some useful concepts and resources, if this is your choice:

The Obstacle is the Way. Engaging is not easy. It requires courage. Depending on your personality type, it may come naturally. Or you may need to train yourself. Embracing obstacles, learning to be comfortable in challenging situations by first changing your perspective and then practicing this attitude is how you gradually get better at this.“The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way.” This powerful Stoic message has become my mantra in the last few years and has helped me tremendously. You re-frame the situation and look at the challenge as something that will lead to something positive, hence giving you more courage and confidence to face it head-on.

You don’t have to be aggressive. In fact, having the right perspective can even help you handle conflict politely, with calm confidence, with grace and composure. There are a number of books I would recommend if you want to explore this topic, main ones being The Inner Citadel by Pierre Hadot, Meditations by Marcus Aurelius (my takeaways here), The Obstacle is the Way (see my article on that book here) and Courage is Calling by Ryan Holiday. You can also check out How to Think Like a Roman Emperor by Donald Robertson, or The Practicing Stoic: A Philosophical User’s Manual by Ward Farnsworth.

Introduce Adversity into Your Life. Courage under pressure is something you can train. Having a regular activity where you are constantly tested and put under (preferably physical) pressure is highly beneficial. It improves your resolve and confidence, and it changes your perspective on how hard things really are in your everyday life. My choice of adversity is Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu — here is my article on all the reasons why I practice it. As you become progressively more and more comfortable with discomfort, each new challenge will get easier. If you want to explore this topic, check out Anti-Fragile by Nassim Nicholas Taleb, Can’t Hurt Me by David Goggins, Endure by Cameron Hanes, The Comfort Crisis by Michael Easter, or Do Hard Things by Steve Magness.

ACCEPT AND MOVE ON

Not every conflict needs to be handled head-on though. Sometimes you just need to accept your predicament and move on. Pick your battles. Conflicts come at a high cost. It takes time, it takes energy, it affects your relationships, career, mental and physical health. Maybe you will think about it and conclude that this one is not worth it.

Note that you will need to be willing to let go. To forgive. To deal with pain and trauma that comes with something like accepting a betrayal and moving on, with losing someone or something that you thought was an integral, inalienable part of you, of your life.

Bigger Picture Perspective. Look at your problem from the perspective of larger space, or longer time. Think about the insignificance of our lives in the grand scale of the universe. Now think again about your problem. Think about the insignificance of our lives against the thousands upon thousands of years of human societies on this planet. Now think again about your problem. You see where I am going with this? To help you get a bigger picture perspective, read any of the great books about astrophysics by Carl Sagan, Neil deGrasse Tyson, Brian Cox or Stephen Hawking. Or books about history of humanity — Sapiens by Yuval Noah Harari or Guns, Germs and Steel by Jared Diamond.

Memento Mori. Remember that you too will die. As Marcus Aurelius puts it: “You could leave life right now. Let that determine what you do and say and think.” Everything is subject to change. Everything is transient. Only death is certain. Reminding ourselves about our mortality is not to depress us, but to inspire, so we don’t waste time on the insignificant. To not blow things out of proportion — for everything that we think is happening to us and is unique has already been experienced by many others years and centuries ago. Explore more on this subject, for example, read Man’s Search for Meaning by Victor Frankl (see my takeaways here) or Long Walk to Freedom — Nelson Mandela’s autobiography.

SUFFER

Engage or accept and move on. Either is fine. What is not fine is when you are stuck in between. You do not want to face the problem, but you also have trouble moving on.

You are uncomfortable, or scared to engage head-on. You say you are a peaceful person who does not like conflict. But secretly, you wish you had the courage to do just that.

You say you have accepted the situation, but you keep thinking about it every day, growing more and more bitter and resentful, poisoning your life and the lives of people around you.

The typical emotion accompanying this is anger. You are angry at the other side of the conflict, at people who are growing tired of your attitude, but above all, angry at yourself.

THIS IS HELL. Don’t do it to yourself. Whether you engage or accept and move on, either option is fine. Some of us will make the choice based on our personality, our temperament, or circumstances, or just the mood at that specific time. I repeat: EITHER ONE of the first two choices is fine. But do not choose the third. The third option guarantees longer term pain, especially if this is the standard pattern of how you are handling conflicts in general.

But there is a way out. You can pivot to either one of the two other options. Even if you went with the third option for a while, it is never too late to engage, or, alternatively, to re-think your situation and do the mental work to truly accept and move on.

So don’t get stuck here. Engage. Accept and Move on. But do not sentence yourself to suffering. Short term discomfort is way better than long-term pain.

Of course, this is a simplified model. There are complex situations in life where you will not be sure whether to engage or to accept and move on. Sometimes even delaying this decision for too long will put you in the suffering mode. Sometimes you will genuinely decide to accept and move on, but over time, will realize you simply cannot. If so, consider engaging. Or you engaged, but lost your composure, got angry and the situation got worse. Do an After Action Review, analyze the situation and what you could have done better, then take a decision on your course of action — re-engage or accept and move on.

One way or another strive to maintain awareness of where you are. Don’t lie to yourself that you have moved on, if you have not. You will know you have not if negative thinking dominates your thought process. If your self-talk is littered with “should have done this” and “could have tried that”.

Keep in mind, there is nothing wrong with choosing an approach and then regretting it. If you engaged, and you think you missed the mark, you can apologize. You can make amends. You can communicate what your true intentions have been. If you are unable to move on, be open and clear about it as you re-engage.

The main message here is, just don’t make the choice that brings bitterness and resentment. Instead:

ENGAGE, or

ACCEPT and MOVE ON.

Here you have it. If you liked this read, here are some of my articles you might want to explore further:

Check out my home page for articles about learning, self-improvement, books, and more.

You Have Three Choices in Handling Conflict

Written by Rational Badger