what do i call him

The evening of October 25th, when I found out that Bo had died, I kept repeating the phrase My Friend, My Friend. I was in front of family members, in person and on Facetime, while I broke down. I went into my room and kept repeating My Friend, My Friend, all night long.

When I texted my best [girl]friend, I told her “Bo died.” When I texted my co-worker and one of my Sagittarians, I told them “My Friend died.” When I spoke to my mom, I told her My Friend died.

The next day, when I spoke to the grief counselor over the phone, I told her my “Best Friend” died. But then I felt the need to clarify it so that she understood what I meant. I told her my “Lover.”

When I went to my therapist, I told her My Friend had died — the one I spent the summer with. She knew who I meant, though I had never said any details about him. After listening to me for over an hour, she referred to him as my “Soulmate.” I had never considered the word.

When I went to work two days later, I told the students and my boss that my Best Friend died. They all thought it was a woman. However, when I told them it was not, the look on their faces changed to a different type of compassion. I heard one athlete whisper, Hey, I know that dude. Isn’t he married?

I struggled with what to call him because there was never a need to call him anything because I had never told anyone the details. Those in my household knew he was someone who I was frequently with at any hour of the day/night. But I never told them who he was…you know…like…who, maybe, what he was…to me, other than someone with whom I used to work. My best friend knew of him because I have been involved with him for several years, but she didn’t know-know. My Sagittarian fling called him my “Boyfriend.” He knew more. Okay, he knew the most, from the beginning to the beginning of the end. He knew that there was a change…that I had changed.

Bo had wanted me to tell my family members how I felt about him. I never did because it was complicated — not how I felt about him — but the “situation.” It was not the type of thing that mothers and fathers and family and friends and others want for their loved one.

And so I sit here and wonder if everyone knows why I am grieving so hard, so long, when I have said almost nothing about Him…about Us.