How to Have the Perfect Marriage (5 Principles)
Let’s start with what the perfect marriage is not. A perfect marriage is NOT when:
- Your partner knows and satisfies all your needs.
- You never disagree.
- You don’t need to change and grow.
If you feel like this with your partner right now, you may be under the spell of the Prince Charming Effect, which, while completely normal, is a fragile state where you lust and love someone who you have partially created in your mind. When new information about your partner is brought to light that conflicts with your mental image, this romantic world can come crashing down quickly. Don’t panic, just understand that this is coming and ground your feelings toward your partner in who they are now, not who you want them to be.
Even beyond this effect, this type of “dream” relationship results in boredom, resentment, and complacency. Satisfying your partner’s needs all the time? Agreeing on everything? No growth? People change and the world changes around us. If you don’t adapt, you won’t survive. Furthermore, love and passion thrive on novelty and change. Most people know this, but when things get tough and we are distracted by other seemingly perfect fairytales out there, it’s easy to fall into the “maybe the fantasy is possible” trap. No. The perfect marriage is one that does force you to change and evolve, and there is some pain in doing that. But, just like with exercise, minor injuries are necessary to build strength.
Instead, a perfect marriage is when:
- You appreciate your partner’s differences and accept their limitations.
- You can safely express your feelings, but focus on your role in causing and resolving marital conflict.
- You adapt to changing circumstances without living in the past.
The 5 Principles of the Perfect Marriage
If you are having some difficulty accepting the descriptions above, it may be time to examine whether your vision of a perfect marriage is helping or harming your ability to maintain relationships. Maybe you’re okay with never being in a relationship if it isn’t your definition of perfect, and that may work for you. But, please be kind and communicate to your partner what your expectations are upfront. If you accept the descriptions above and can update your definition of a perfect marriage, great! We can move on.
PRINCIPLE 1: OWN YOUR EMOTIONS
You’re angry, sad, anxious, lonely, or stressed. Welcome to the club. These are your emotions. It is your job to regulate them. When you are in what dialectical behavior therapists refer to as “emotion mind,” you cannot think clearly, may be impulsive, and perceive the environment as worse than it is. You cannot have a successful conversation with your partner when feeling like this, nor can you reconnect when you blame your partner for your emotions. Take some time to learn the skills necessary to self-soothe and make yourself less vulnerable to overwhelm. Exercise, eat healthy, sleep, meditate, develop social networks, journal, see a therapist, and learn to recognize when you need to step away and breathe. There are dozens of skills that can help you manage emotions, for example DBT skills, but the main point of this principle is to take ownership and do not give control of your emotions to your partner.
PRINCIPLE 2: COMMUNICATE LESS
Remember the honeymoon phase of your relationship? Everything was new and exciting. Romance and passion came easy. What happened? Many marital therapists would have you believe the problem is poor communication. Unhappy couples just don’t communicate. That’s the problem, right? Therapists focus on listening and validation skills to bring the couple back together again. But, something doesn’t quite make sense. You would have to believe that these couples suddenly forgot how to communicate respectfully over time, yet still manage to communicate with their friends and coworkers just fine!
Unhappy couples communicate a lot, but what they communicate is all of their distress and the nitpicky ways their partner falls below their expectations. We all would love to believe that if we just provided a detailed account of all the ways our partner is wrong and why they need to change, the problem would be solved. Unfortunately, marriage doesn’t work that way. Surely, there are a few difficult things you need to communicate, but your judgements on the way they dress, forgetting a few things here and there, and things that are just part of their core personality are not worth complaining about and only hurting your relationship. Everything you say passes through your partner’s psychological filter, and if there is a hint of insecurity on their part, it will sound 10 times worse. If you mentioned the concern a few times and nothing happened or it backfired, time to stop. In the honeymoon phase if you saw something that bothered you a bit, you just let it go. Channel that feeling.
PRINCIPLE 3: MANAGE STRESS AS A TEAM
Let’s stay in the honeymoon phase for a bit longer. One reason this time was so passionate is that everything was new and exciting. And yes, novelty fades. But, that isn’t the whole story of why relationships become more challenging. Something else happened that has nothing to do with your relationship. Responsibilities. Pressure. Stress. If you’re near or in your 40s or beyond, the crises just keep coming. Remember Principle 1? People cannot think clearly when they’re stressed. And, in the absense of a clear cause and solution they will blame the person closest to them for not helping or making it worse.
The solution? You need to reframe marital distress as a result of life stress and handle it as a team. If one of you is stressed, both of you need to figure out how to provide support and resources if necessary. When your partner snaps at you, do not make it about you or your partner, but think about how you can reduce the stress in their life so that they are better able to regulate their emotions. Again, DBT skills can help, but the first step is recognizing that you and your partner are upset at each other because of external stress, and identify how you may go about resolving that. Marital therapy can focus on stress reduction, lifestyle improvement, acceptance, tolerating discomfort, and coping skills, instead of making it about partner behaviors and communication.
PRINCIPLE 4: BRANCH OUT
Your partner is not your therapist (I hope!), your masseuse, you financial manager, your doctor, or any other professional who works for you. You partner should be your lover and your friend, but not your only friend. One person cannot meet all your needs, nor should they. Take inventory of your needs and what your partner is realistically capable of. If you thrive on political debates and your partner prefers cooking classes (not that you can’t have both), find an outlet for your interest. Don’t try to fit your square partner into a round hole.
What about emotional and intimacy needs? As technology advances, so does the definition of what constitutes an affair. It wasn’t so long ago when physical intimacy with someone else solely constituted an affair, but soon came the emotional affair (perhaps a close relationship with a “work husband” or “work wife”). Now, “affairs” can be said to happen virtually with someone you have never met in person, or even AI bots based on someone’s persona or no one at all. In the end, you and your partner will need to be honest about your needs and how you can fulfill them. Either way, once the concern is understood and expressed as a individual need of yours and not a deficit in your partner’s abilities, you will be closer to a positive solution.
PRINCIPLE 5: RESPECT YOUR PARTNER’S CORE NEEDS
Your partner has some needs that are obvious: food, water, sleep, safety, shelter. If not met, survival needs such as these not only cause a breakdown in the relationship but a breakdown in life. Other needs that guide behavior are not so obvious. Some examples of core psychological needs include different levels of autonomy, independence, space, achievement, belonging, control and stability, order, learning, emotional intimacy, physical intimacy, and just plain fun and excitement. For example, attachment style is one way closeness needs are presented. People may require a lot of closeness, a moderate amount, or so little they feel suffocated at times.
In most cases, you cannot ignore your partner’s needs and expect them to go away. You also cannot convince them that their needs are unimportant. Do you need to fulfill them all? No. But respect them and help your partner find a space for fulfilling them if you are unwilling or incapable of doing do. Certainly don’t consistently sacrifice your needs to fulfill those of your partner (there should be a give and take), but when setting your limits make sure to communicate that just because these are your limits it doesn’t mean their needs are any less important or legitimate.
Not all marriages are healthy or safe for spouses. Emotional and physical abuse are among many reasons that a couple may be better off apart. It is one thing to be frustrated when a need goes unmet, but it is quite another when you take it out on your spouse or family in an uncontrolled or dangerous way. That being said, make sure your decision to continue or end a relationship is based on realistic expectations of marriage, your partner, and yourself and not on wishful thinking.
