Why Victims of Female Perpetrators Are Ignored: A “Quick” Introduction
Hello, everyone, and welcome to what I consider to be a passion project of mine. I wanted to venture deeply into the oft-discussed reasons why men are ignored as victims of rape, sexual assault, and other so-called “gendered” crimes by women in our society. I’ve always been fascinated by the phenomenon of double standards in how we discuss men as survivors rather than perpetrators in the typical heterosexual couple dynamic. In general, I would say I’m fascinated by double standards in general. The world is, aside from being a cruel place, so hypocritical that it is a wonder that it doesn’t fold in itself from the sheer logic it takes to justify “rules for thee, not for me.” Aside from the general absurdity that is the meaning of life, I’m sure that Albert Camus would vouch for observing the absurdities that lead us to not just believe in these standards but act upon them too.
The thing is, double standards do have the potential to harm others. In this case, they perpetuate myths about sexual violence to the detriment of men.
Before, however, I have to establish some things, including who I am and why I am doing this. If you are reading this, you are likely a reader who had been brought here from a link on subreddits like MensRights, LeftWingMaleAdvocates, and other men’s rights forums. (I had initially penciled in MensLib as another source, but for reasons I will talk about next post, they are far from serving as advocates for men’s rights. Those white knights can get hoisted by their own petards for all I care.) I have been posting there for a few weeks with links to my articles. So, who am I for those who care, and, more crucially, what’s the point in all this?
So, let me introduce myself in terms of how I relate to men’s rights in general. I recently discovered MRA groups earlier this year after a series of unfortunate events pushed me here. A failed relationship with a narcissist, which involved my ex physically and emotionally abusing me, manipulating me, and cheating on me, made me realize that I was a victim instead of a perpetrator that she gaslighted me and my friends to believe. She once said that no one would ever support my side of the story because, according to her, “How can a woman abuse a man?” This, by the way, was happening before the coverage of the Depp v. Heard trial. As I would later learn, this ex had previously ruined one of her previous partner’s lives by sicking the dogs of war (by which I mean the Title IX office at her school) on him, expelling him before he successfully sued the university.
So, from that background, you can see how many of my blog posts relate to reliving the trauma from that experience and relaying it in an informational tone. Even my controversial piece on why men and women can’t be “just friends” relates to this too. The narcissist I dated had previously rejected me and asked this as if I had soured the friendship just by posing the question; meanwhile, she was the kind of person to touch me without consent and ask me for help on many occasions. The second time that question was asked, and I was the rebuffer of her advances, let me merely say that it did not go well. We reconciled the third time, and it was certainly not the charm. Aside from that, I want readers to take this sentence away from reading: I was a victim of abuse by a woman.
This needs to be a rallying cry for those who have been abused by women, especially when they likely know that they can get away with their actions. What hurts especially is the appalling fact that if you did even a fraction of what they did to you, you would be tried like you were sent to the Hague. That is the double standard that this entire series of articles focuses on, exploring what led to this presumption of innocence or guilt based on gender, along with the political and societal norms that enforce this belief stringently.
This leads to the point of all this. I am aware that Medium, as a site, may not be the proper space to discuss this, given the user base’s general beliefs. However, I would like to continue using this website as my microphone so that even those who disagree with me can continue to see my arguments. So, with that in mind, I wanted to go in-depth into why we as a society ignore abused men. To do so, I initially wanted to craft a list, but given the broad scope of this issue (and the length that the list would have to be), I decided to split it into parts. Aside from the digestibility of this format, it also gives me more freedom to add different points occasionally. Because as long as the reasons are vast in their number, I will not be stopping this series anytime soon.
I do not anticipate this to blow up; as a matter of fact, I would dread any notoriety from this. Being an MRA can be a tricky minefield in today’s cultural landscape. I am merely hoping that a comprehensive series with my purpose can exist on the Internet, where no information would escape its grasp. I hope that any boy or man, cisgender or transgender, as well as any non-binary people or women in same-sex relationships, who happened to encounter any form of abuse, be it from your partner or family, whether it is physical, sexual, emotional, financial, or legal, can be able to find these posts and realize that, unlike what many may say, you are not at fault. Your abuse is the product of a society recklessly supporting the notion that women can perform atrocities without backlash.
So, folks, including curious Reddit and Medium users and moderators (along with other platforms if you ventured from there), I hope you will indulge me by allowing yourselves to be inundated with articles full of statistics, videos, and other links showcasing how and why we ignore male victims. This will be a long journey, but the length will prove that this issue runs deep. It is not an anomaly; on the contrary, it is something so widespread and manufactured you would think there was a deep-state conspiracy. From as low-level as your fellow person to as high-level as the world governments, many figures assist in downplaying women-on-men violence across the planet.
I will start with what I would consider the fundamental catalyst in changing the discourse of gendered violence to favor women and demonize men: the Duluth model, which in many areas has been implemented with various interpretations.
And remember, for men who read this and had or are currently being tormented by a woman, remember: You are a victim of abuse by a woman.
