Autistic Psychedelic Stories: “Autism on Ayahuasca” by Ian
Shared anonymously to autismonacid@gmail.com. Reshared here, with permission. More about this topic @ http://autisticpsychedelic.com & http://autismonacid.com
Autistic Psychedelic Stories on Medium:
- “The Wave” by Thomas
- “New Colours” by “J”
- “Autism on Ayahuasca” by Ian
- “The Mushrooms Had Something to Teach Me” by Dan
“Autism on Ayahuasca” by Ian
“Hi Aaron
I’ve just finished listening to the Psychedelics Today podcast in which you describe your experience of ASD before and after taking LSD. I was literally jumping up and down saying ‘that was me!’ […] Your phraseology encapsulated my feelings of struggling with social situations perfectly. That whole feeling of surviving a social gathering rather than enjoying it.
I was never formally diagnosed with Asperger’s, but when some years ago my wife discussed the possibility that I had it with me it just seemed to fit. Until then I could never understand why parties were such a chore, I always made excuses to myself, I assumed that I was having a bad day, that I had drunk too little/too much, the next time would be better. But it never was.
After I considered the possibility of being an Aspie life became a lot simpler, there was nothing I could do to prepare for a social event to make it run more smoothly so I could just be myself.
In my case it was an experience with psilocybin truffles that opened up my emotions and showed me an alternative outlook on life. I had become interested in the clinical trials suggesting the efficacy of psychedelics to treat depression (which I also suffered from intermittently) and three years ago I participated in two ayahuasca ceremonies which certainly alleviated my symptoms of depression, albeit only for a month or so, and also gave me insights suggesting that I needed to go deeper into the psychedelic experience.
After the ayahuasca ceremonies I started microdosing LSD under the protocols established by Jim Fadiman, and for a while this helped me with my low moods and made me more open. However, at this time I didn’t consider that any psychedelic experience was going to ‘cure’ my ASD, I thought that this was a hard-wired condition and the best that I could hope for was learning tricks and coping mechanisms to make me appear more neurotypical.
Then last year I heard about the psychedelic experience retreats […] held in Holland where the truffles were legal. I decided to sign up for a 4 day retreat in September. I had a lot of misgivings because the retreats were attended by up to 16 people and of course being isolated with 16 strangers for 4 days is not something an Aspie is going to be happy about! In the event the retreat went perfectly, I gained more from it than I could have possibly imagined. My ‘intentions’ were to be more loving and open with other people, especially with my wife; to try and be the best version of myself.
What happened during the psilocybin trip was transformational, I felt as if my outer shell that trapped my emotions inside and prevented others from reaching me was ripped open. I was overwhelmed by unconditional love for everyone around me and wanted to care for them and protect them. When I returned home the feeling of love persisted although it was largely directed at my wife (she didn’t complain!) but for once I sought out encounters with neighbours and even strangers.
Prior to the psilocybin trip I would have avoided meeting neighbours in the driveway because I’d run out of things to say after ‘hi’. My wife could spend 30 minutes happily chatting over the fence and I’d be like ‘but what could you possibly say that would take 30 minutes?’ Now I knew! On one occasion she came home to find me in the front garden chatting to a scaffolder who had come to remove scaffolding from the front of our house. Previously I would have stayed indoors until he left, or awkwardly talked about the weather, now I was ‘chatting’, about what I can’t remember, but it just flowed.
In addition to being better able to relate to individuals, I experienced a further sea change in my behaviour. Previously I had shied away from any group activities, I had private yoga and tai chi lessons and could not imagine attending a class with others. Immediately after the psychedelic experience I cancelled my one-on-one classes and started attending group sessions. Furthermore I sought out group experiences, large and small. Within a couple of months I had attended a five rhythms dance event with cacao ceremony, A Wim Hof method workshop and a kundalini yoga retreat! All of these events were quite intimate and involved a lot of one-on-one work within a group setting. Six months ago you couldn’t have paid me to attend, now I was paying to attend!
My transition is not as complete as yours appears to be, I am still not great in social gatherings and I find small talk difficult, but your experience has given me hope that the judicious use of psychedelics can give me the direct emotional contact with everyone at large that I am now enjoying with my wife and close friends.
Thank you for your courage in making your experiences public!
Ian
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Hi Ian,
Awesome!
Also, I wanted to say that for all of the emails I’ve received now like this, yours is among the nearest to overlapping so much with my own story. Most especially the switch from being more inclined to isolating versus seeking social encounters. I’m always still learning, and I value my introvertedness now more than ever. But the world def requires us to be social extroverts at time, and I’m glad to have skills on that end also. Or rather, a means to have the skills.
[…] Could you share a bit about the psilocybin retreat? And how that contrasted your experiences with LSD and Ayahuasca?
With Gratitude
-Aaron
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Hi Aaron,
I share your feelings on the value of introvertedness and being able to ‘turn on’ the social skills. I think for me it is about having the choice now. I’ll never be a social butterfly or conversational ringleader but at least now I feel more able to hold my own in social settings without it being a chore.[…]
Although I had dabbled with LSD and psilocybin in my student days (back in the 70’s, I am a sixty something!) I had only ever taken it recreationally. I had heard of the Ayahuasca ceremonies that took place in Goa […] but had never really been that interested as the idea of ‘purging’ put me off. […] Three years ago my yoga teacher mentioned that she had attended a ceremony and I was eager to hear the details and on the basis of her account I decided that I would attend the next ceremony.I Googled ‘Ayahuasca ceremony’ endlessly to try and prepare myself but nothing can prepare you for the event of course.
The first ceremony taught me that preparation, intention and integration are as important as the psychedelic experience itself. I had an interesting experience but the message that came over was ‘you have not prepared properly so you are not going to receive the wisdom you expect’ I was basically shown a part of myself that I had to acknowledge and address before I was going to get any revelations or deep insights. That in itself was a revelation and it did put me on a path to resolve the issue.
The psilocybin retreat was a joy from start to finish. The facilitators came from different backgrounds, a mixture of clinical psychologists new age shamen. They used various techniques to build a bond of trust between themselves and the participants, such as circle work, dance, tai chi and yoga. Most of the participants had never had any experience with psychedelics and were naturally quite nervous about the actual ‘trip’, but the lead facilitator was an expert in visualisation techniques and she ensured that everyone had a gentle and positive experience. The trip itself was taken lying down, listening to music with eye shades. After the trip we were encouraged to take a silent walk in the woods surrounding the retreat, accompanied by a facilitator (who remained sober throughout).
As to my own experiences, they were truly transformational. As I mentioned before, I had set intentions of being more open and loving but I was also looking for answers to my next phase of life as I was in the process of retiring and selling my business and feeling very unsure about how my future would pan out. Without writing a trip report, which I know from experience is usually as interesting as listening to someone describing a dream they had, I will just say that I got everything I wanted from the experience plus a whole lot more.
One of the things that the facilitators ask you in the one-to-one before taking the psilocybin is whether you are OK with physical contact (as in having your hand held or maybe an arm around the shoulder if you appear to be distressed or in need of comfort) I had said I didn’t really have a problem with that but they shouldn’t expect me to initiate it. In the event, at the peak of the session I was hugging one facilitator and crying with no shame or embarrassment whilst proclaiming that this was the most beautiful thing that had happened to me and that I had been reborn, I had discovered my inner warrior! The issues that had blocked my first Ayahuasca experience just disappeared and I understood they were now dealt with and would no longer bother me (they haven’t). Whereas with the Ayahuasca ceremony there was no integration afterwards — you basically got yourself together and went home to think about what had just happened, on the retreat there was a whole day and a half to make sense of it, with further group sessions, discussions and another one-to one with a facilitator.
I started keeping a journal afterwards, which has been very useful as it enabled me to monitor my emotions and interactions accurately. So, for around a week I experienced an afterglow such that I almost felt like I was an enlightened being! This gradually faded to a more normal state (but still very positive and outgoing) and after six weeks I had my first setback with a mini meltdown. This was followed by a few weeks where I questioned the validity of the experience and went back to microdosing LSD (which I had given up before the retreat) to raise my mood. It was shortly after this that I took part in a dance and cacao ceremony and that improved my mood noticeably. A couple of weeks later I went on a kundalini yoga retreat with my yoga teacher and this elevated my mood and social interaction such that once again stopped microdosing, and this is where I am now, almost five months after the psilocybin experience.
For me the effect on my social interactions or reducing my Aspie tendencies is only one part of a much broader range of positive benefits from taking psilocybin. I have got rid of various annoying habits and repetitive thought patterns like the need to over-plan simple events such as meeting someone for lunch. Whereas before I would sit down for days checking Google maps for the best route and finding out where I could park, now I would just take a quick look and jump in the car and drive. My interests have broadened, I have taken up meditation and my reading choices have expanded to include philosophy and spirituality (before I was purely a science geek) so I feel like I am a more complete and expansive person (if that makes sense). These changes don’t seem forced and I don’t feel that this is what I should be doing, rather this is now what I want to be doing.
My only recent experiences with LSD have been microdosing, 5 micrograms was my sweet spot and anything higher became over stimulating. It was a generally positive experience, especially in the early days. I became very motivated and took a keen interest in cooking, creating elaborate meals for my wife each evening. I took an interest in nature and enjoyed long walks in the countryside. As my main reason for microdosing was to alleviate symptoms of depression I have to say it worked well. However, when I was microdosing I wasn’t sure when I should stop, it seemed that if I was getting benefits I should just continue, why risk going back to depression? I did take breaks but only for a few weeks at a time. However after the psilocybin retreat I just felt no need to continue, it just didn’t seem relevant. I got the same feeling after my yoga retreat, it was as if a part of my brain reconnected with the state it was in during the trip and I was raised to a new level.
I know that the process is a journey, there is no cure, but it is a journey I am enjoying and will continue.
Ian
Shared anonymously to autismonacid@gmail.com. Reshared here, with permission. More about this topic @ http://autisticpsychedelic.com & http://autismonacid.com
Autistic Psychedelic Stories on Medium:
