37 Things I’m Thinking About Now That I’m 37

A few things on my mind as another candle is added to the cake. If you want to see how little I’ve grown and matured over the years, check out similar lists from my 35th and 36th birthdays.

Getting Older

1. I mentioned this last year, but it’s a key point and now it’s official: turning 37 means I’ve been driving for 21 years and legally drinking for 16. This means that my drinking can drive and my driving can drink.
2. At 37, I’m in the weird middle ground of handsomeness. I’m not young and boyish, and I’m not quite old and distinguished. I’m stuck somewhere in the middle. At my best, I’m handsome in a responsible way, like “hey, I bet that guy pays his taxes and takes probiotics.” At my worst, I look like a substitute gym teacher who must’ve done something horrible to end up as a substitute gym teacher. When I look in the mirror I think: I’m way too old to be young and way too young to be old.
3. Forget broccoli, going to bed at 9pm, and NPR, the thing I’m most surprised at how much I like as I get older is the oxford comma.
4. As you get older, the line between sneaky fart and I definitely just pooped myself just gets thinner and thinner.
5. I continue to become more risk averse (aka scared of most things) as I get older. At 37, about the most daring thing I do is read a Dr. Seuss book to my kids after 3.5 glasses of wine.
6. Forget the proceeding points, by far the oldest I’ve ever felt is when I put on Yanni ironically but then had tears in my eyes by the middle of song five.

Sex & Relationships

1. Buying condoms in your teens: Don’t look at me. Don’t look at me. Don’t look at me. Oh please God don’t look at me. Buying condoms in your 20s: (Standing in the aisle staring at the seemingly endless options) Which one of these will make me look less creepy? Which of these says, “Baby, I don’t do this that often, but, you know, I DO THIS.” Buying condoms in your 30s: (grabbing microphone at register) “Excuse me, fellow Walgreens shoppers, just a quick announcement: I am BUYING CONDOMS. That’s right, motherfuckers, this rapidly aging suburban dad will be having SEX in the immediate to near future! (Carefully replaces mic and hands 71-year old Vietnamese checker Balance Rewards card).
2. 90% of being in a happy relationship is answering, “I started an hour ago,” to the question “when should we starting drinking?”
3. Sexy panties are like airline sales, it’s OK to get excited when you see them, but you have to remember that they were arbitrarily picked and are not an invitation or guarantee.
4. Boobs are the PEDs of hetero relationships (and maybe all relationships but who knows?). When a woman wears a tank top to bed, and you roll over in the morning and she’s beautifully asleep with one tit half out it’s equivalent to hitting a 700-foot home run. There’s literally nothing a man can do to compete with that. And by the way, this is an observation not a complaint. Keeping hitting those 700-foot home runs, ladies.
5. One of the worst parts about getting older is how attracted I am to mannequins. It’s disappointing on so many levels.

Being Healthy / FitBit / Nipples

1. Like a lot of people, I eat a lot of salads for lunch. Like a lot of people, I struggle with the size of the salad. If it’s too small, I’m going to be hungry again in 90 minutes and really angry about it. If it’s too big, I’m going to be full which really defeats the purpose of the salad in the first place. Here’s how I approach the “is my salad too big?” question: When you stir it do things fall out of the bowl? If the answer is yes then who cares because it’s a fucking salad. Have some fun in your life. The philosophy of that last sentence is why I need to eat salads everyday.
2. The worst part about trying to be healthy are the days when you just can’t get full no matter how much you eat. I call those, “nope, try again” days, because that’s basically what your stomach is saying. Berries for breakfast? “Nope, try again.” Salad for lunch? “Nope try again.” Quinoa and salmon for dinner? “Nope, try again, motherfucker!”
3. Modern philosophy: If you go for a walk but forgot your FitBit did you really move?
4. Hitting 10,000 steps on your FitBit while trying to shake your legs awake after they fell asleep on the john is the definition of a paper trophy, or pooper trophy, if you will.
5. The fundamental problem with the FitBit, and really working out in general, is that hitting 10k steps will never feel as good as murmuring “Suck me, FitBit” and tossing it in a drawer.
6. My watch is like my nipples, I don’t technically need them but I’m really glad I have them.

Work

1. I’m closing in on the 15-year mark of my career, which is crazier in a lot of ways than the big fat “37” up at the top. I’ve worked in different industries; I’ve worked in companies of different sizes; I’ve worked across different verticals and focus areas; and even though all of those experiences were vastly different, there is one universal truth that unites the corporate world: everyone needs to calm the fuck down.
2. There’s no bigger fuck you at work (or in all of life) than “Thx.”
3. “Hey, coworker, what are you heating up there? A dead rat stuffed into a dead fish with diarrhea sauce?”
4. “Come on, Dude. Can’t you find another stall to unleash that evil? I just want to be weird on the Internet for seven minutes and now I have to sit here listening to Jurassic World coming out of your butthole,” thought every guy when that guy sits down next you.
5. Monday: I’m not going to drink vodka this week. Tuesday: A vodka sounds good but I’m gonna stick with the plan. Wednesday: One vodka won’t hurt. Thursday: give me all the fucking vodkas.
6. The key to eating lunch during a conference call is posing a big question then going on mute while the group bats around the answer. “What’s the budget?” will get you 1–5 bites; “Who’s the primary audience?” will get you 5–10 bites; and “Can we take a step back and talk about the overall objective?” will give you enough time to leave and get a different meal.

Politics / Privilege

1. I just figured it out: Donald Trump is the Caillou of politicians. They both have confusing hair situations; their inexplicable rise and continued popularity makes absolutely no sense to their detractors; and they are blindly followed by a group of dolts who read at a sub first-grade level.
2. I like Luna Bars, love the show Girls, listen to Adele on my headphones at the gym, PLUS the other day I was admiring a woman’s butt while she was on the treadmill only to find out a few minutes later that she was very, very pregnant. Look, I’m not saying I’m ready to stand in front of a big neon sign like Beyonce or anything, but you know, #feminist
3. Forget Donald Trump, the move to de-fund Planned Parenthood, and even the ongoing wage equality issue, the most glaring “holy crap this country is misogynist” issue has to be the reaction to the new Ghostbusters movie. Are you serious, bros? Ghostbusters? Is this really what we’re clinging to in 2016? The War on Ghostbusters should battle The War on Christmas in the inane Olympics.
4. Speaking of de-funding Planned Parenthood, in a Bizarro-World United States, Congress just voted to bankrupt Walmart because they sell guns. Think about it.
5. Reports vary, but it seems that the U.S. spent anywhere between $800 million to $1 billion on fireworks this year. Why? Watching fireworks is like ordering porn in a hotel room, it’s cool for five minutes but then you just think, “what am I doing with my life?” Here’s an idea, let’s give J.J. Abrams $100 million to make the most epic digital fireworks display ever. Dragons, Jedis, midgets on water slides. Fucking Everything. Then we all watch it on our TVs at the same time and donate the rest of the $900 million to education. Does that make too much sense?
6. Is there a “go vote, you entitled little fuckers” emoji?
7. Let’s put an end to the faux-creative, plainly self-serving hashtag trend. We can use these to get the word out: #dashthehash #hashflag
8. Here’s a great trick: the next time you’re in the mood but your partner isn’t feeling it, or Comcast won’t relent on something that is obviously wrong, or the zookeeper won’t let you see the dragons, just loudly proclaim “next thing, you’ll be taking our guns away!” It won’t make sense but pro-gun arguments never really do anyway.

God / People / Pooping

1. Are you struggling to find answers? Are questions like, “Why are we here? Where are we from? What does it all mean?” weighing you down? If so, here’s what I recommend: drink 7 glasses of good wine and then watch an epic sunset in complete silence. If you don’t find any answers in that moment then maybe there aren’t any answers (which in itself is a kind of answer).
2. Want to know if someone is really listening to you? If you pause and they say “that’s crazy” then they aren’t listening to you.
3. “Will you finish this boring fucking story so I can tell a much better story?” thought everyone ever.
4. “I would give anything to take back that thumbs up,” thought everyone right after a thumbs up.
5. I’m too superstitious to be atheist and too lazy to be agnostic so basically I’m just ambivalent. With that said, pooping is the great equalizer. If you eat a gigantic burger for dinner and don’t have an epic poop in the morning then there is no God.
6. People are way too happy to be eating Tostitos in Tostitos commercials. Here’s the only accurate slogan for Tostitos: “when you’re drunk and awkward at a party and aren’t sure what to do with your hands: Tostitos!”

See ya next year.