How to Be a Good Person When Texting
On the challenges of being kind, fair and honest in your 24/7 chat flows
In 2018, we’ll spend an even larger portion of our time messaging other people. This activity has become our primary form of communication.
We also struggle with this format because it lacks a tone of voice, facial expressions, or a clear beginning and end.
As a result, we can only hope the consequences of a misunderstood word, a harsh joke, or a belated response won’t have a serious impact on our lives.
As hard-working humans, we make efforts to be Good Chatters, whether we’re at work or commuting, paying full attention or having to juggle multiple tasks and conversations all at the same time.
But is our “best” enough? Do we come across to our chat partners the way we really want to?
It’s becoming clear that the way we became connected and started keeping in touch with each other in the past 10 years isn’t working for everyone and for every type of relationship — but we shouldn’t lose our valued connections just because it’s hard to express our true meaning in tiny, speedy letters.
Based on many interviews, here is what we at Ixy found out about how to be a better person in writing — for calmer, clearer conversations and richer human relationships.
1. Think
Sounds simple, yet it is so hard to do in an everyday context!
On the surface — and as opposed to offline conversations — dialogue in chat apps seems to allow time to reflect before you’d respond.
However, as we all know, the temptation to text something on first impulse is just too great.
Especially when we see the that other person is just sending us message after message…. We can’t interrupt, so we try to save face by matching their “volume” of text.
However, just as overthinking can make things seem more complicated in your head, “under”-thinking can make things seem harsher and ruder than they are intended. So how about just… thinking?
Never underestimate the magic of taking a deep breath, presuming the best intentions from the other person, and if there appears to be two meanings for a line of text, going with the most positive interpretation. The results will make you and those around you very happy.
2. Read
As messaging happens in text, we assume reading and writing are an integral part of the process. But do you always pay attention to what your chat partner is actually saying?
“Around 90% of my conflicts happen because I didn’t read what the other person was writing. I get mad, they get mad, we say bad things — but when I go back and read what started the whole thing, it’s just not there.”
“When you have a strong opinion about what the other person is going to write, you will see that message even if they end up writing something completely different. We’re not mind-readers, but we think we are.”
If you’ve followed step 1 (“Think”), you’re in the process of giving yourself a little extra time to reflect and re-read the piece of text that felt negative. (Or hope that your partner is doing just the same...)
Surely, step 2 doesn’t mean your dissatisfaction with your partner’s message is always unwarranted — sometimes people do send mean or unfair words. But thinking and re-reading can do wonders in resolving this negative exchange better and faster.
3. Understand
One of the most hurtful things in human communication is when we feel that the other person is not listening to what we are saying.
Whether this is due to
- simple language barriers (we’ll get annoyed after a while)
- inattention (we’ll feel not appreciated)
- ideological hostility (we’ll feel powerless)
- or a disputation of facts (we’ll feel deeply hurt in our value and reputation as if labelled a liar),
not being heard is never a pleasant experience. It’s a form of quitting with which your partner seems to express they are outside or above the situation you two have created together.
But how can you avoid being this unfair chat partner?
“It’s about making sure my partner knows I’m there, I’m present, I’m participating — that I am listening. Even if I don’t agree or even fully see their point yet.”
Once you have reflected on the best response and confirmed you’ve read the message correctly (steps 1 and 2), showing your goodwill seems to be the best choice.
Try to avoid rephrasing what your partner wrote because in case you have misunderstood it, it might be a bit frustrating for them. Instead ask questions: “So you mean we *should* get Mom that New Yorker subscription…?”
Once your partner feels they are not alone in this — either in responsibility or in meaning — , you’ll suddenly find yourself in a Real Conversation, a real exchange of feelings and thoughts.
4. Suggest
When I ask people what annoys them most in communication, especially in text-based forms, they mention something else besides feeling unheard/misunderstood as their primary source of concern:
“receiving open or implicit commands”.
This is a very interesting observation for which we at Ixy are deeply grateful to the users that helped with our research: while imperative sentences are crucial in certain areas of life (“Mind the gap’”, “Quit Playing Games With My Heart”, “New to Amazon? Tell us how we did!”), they need to be handed out very carefully in our personal and professional relationships.
If you followed steps 1–3, and expressed to your partner you understand what they’re messaging about or are happy to make the effort, it can still be unwise to jump in and take charge of the entire situation. As we discussed in 5 Ways to Keep Your Conflicts In Mobile Apps Respectful, character judgement words like “always”, “never” — and in general starting sentences with “You [are]” — create an unwelcome hierarchy between the chatters. It can come across as if you thought you know better than your partner...
Imperative sentences can do just as much harm: the hidden meaning of Dos and Don’ts is, unfortunately, something like “You [never] know what to do.” This will understandably make your partner feel unjustly reprimanded — and they will not like it, or you.
Whenever you feel you’re about to involuntarily order your chat partner to do or don’t do something, think if you really do know better. Are you sure you fully understand their situation and can assess what they “should” or “must” do?
A few ideas for handling such situations in the future:
- Why not ask questions instead? Either to get more information, but also as a softer piece of advice: “I wonder, have you considered…?”
- Why not suggest something based on your own, admittedly subjective experience? “I’ve had a similar thing happen to me, so [suggestion] may work for you too?” When we offer our own experience but show caution, our partner can in turn offer counterarguments if they feel it isn’t relevant, which keeps the conversation equal.
- Why not remind your partner of an earlier good point they made? “I remember when you mentioned you’d call your old adviser last week. How did that go? She might have some good ideas here.”
A few effortless expressions like “might”, “why not”, “wonder”, “I like the idea of…” can be super helpful — the point is, try to communicate in a way that leaves room for the other person to offer counterarguments and new points. When you suggest instead of command, your chats will be so much more balanced and joyful.
5. Thank
One of the reasons why people like to avoid conflict — besides how unpredictable it is — is that it’s very time and energy consuming. We all know the feeling of leaving the scene of a disagreement exhausted and having wasted hours of our lives.
During my research interviews, I noticed that many messenger app users cite their partner’s patience, their willingness to clarify or explain something, and their generosity as what made it possible for them to prevent a tiresome argument from taking place.
So our step 5 is simply to thank chat partners for being such amazing people. Express your gratitude whenever you feel that their effort helped make your chat experience calmer and more understanding.
There are few moments of kinship like that of honest gratitude: it brings any human relationship — romantic partner, co-founder, colleague, or family — to a richer, more intimate level.
Let’s recap
1. Think
2. Read
3. Understand
4. Suggest
5. Thank
= T.R.U.S.T.
It’s simple to remember and beautiful to practice.
We wish you the best of luck and would love to hear more of your stories!
Get in touch with us via
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Ixy is a new messaging app for happier conversations. We’re based in London and building a mobile chat platform that uses AI to mediate and support deeper, more honest and fruitful conversations on your phone.
Bring your friends to Ixy and prevent conflicts and misunderstandings, while seeing more clearly how you come across to others.
