I started this year by being madly in love. The experience crushed everything i knew about love before. It was painful, it was intense, it was influencing my thougts, activities and decisions. And it ended.
Let me share a blog i never finished:
Danqo: Why does the love hurt so much? [March 2021]
I thought i’ve been in love for a couple of times already, that i’ve experienced broken heart so many times that i had thought nobody would fix it. It was not true, as i just discovered.
In the late October (2020), one of my journal entries reads: “in the same time as the Anxiety had kicked my belly again, i decided to become an aromantic, and it lasted for apx 1 minute until i fell in love with my ex-stalker, whom i started to stalk, and could easily imagine spending life with, however he lives in Brno, which sucks.” I don’t think i actually fell in love with him then, however the formulation is confusing, not sure what i felt. I didn’t hear from him for two months afterwards. Then i messaged him again and arranged an online call. An online date (coweird-19 times). It turned successful and we met a week later. And then it began.
Last Christmas i gave you my heart
but the very next week you gave it away.
This year to save me from tears,
a) i should keep it for myself
b) i’ll give it to someone special, whom i’ve been on a date today
c) what heart, lol?! It was given away, after it was broken, repaired, spat on, rejected and turned into stone… but that doesn’t rhyme with anything
We were texting during the whole Christmas break, it felt so good. I was so happy. Nobody on Earth would make me spend all day on my phone. But i just couldn’t resist, and he kept replying. After holidays, we met for the second time. Y’know, i am usually an extroverted person, shameless and worryless; this time i behaved so on-leash and nervous with such a nice and cool person. We spent several hours together… (didn’t finish it here, probably forgot to write)
Well, i just read a blog i wrote some time ago (because i didn’t forget to read, i guess). Be my witness but the damned feelings and the damned pattern is the same, however this time i honestly believe it will work (pathetic). Would it? Wouldn’t it? Who is to say? I can’t breathe tho. Fucking hell. Why does everything on this planet be so painful?
…then it ends. I never finished it. However, the love did not work out in the end. Let me summarize this love then. Where it was, there it was, after the second date, i went through the whole spectrum of anxiety, meaning panic attacks, hiding under the desk, leaving my work early, spending long hours in the office, drinking stupid amounts of alcohol (both too much or none), looking from the bridge to Danube, looking from the balcony at my landlord’s garden. Yes, i was in the contact with the boy (let’s call him Mr. Picture) all the time. We were texting nonstop, having phonecalls several times a week, and we even saw each other during the lockdown (yes, bitches, i crossed the border to the Czech republic though i was not allowed to). I told him that i’m in love with him. I was like cursed. And then i stole his picture, he said. Yea, yea, i don’t want to go into details. Anyways, he’s got the picture now (it’s really bad) and i’ve got the frame (it’s really good).
So, that was it. Love, like i’ve never experienced it. Demanding, taking all my concentration, killing me from inside, making me cry, making me suffer. But pure, one-sided, platonic, nothing really happened.
And cut. September 2021
(Many important details, coinsidences, destiny…) Saturday, 10am, Black. on Gorkého. The guy (let’s call him Mr. Destined) clicked. I took him to a concert. Got us drunk. Kept asking for consent. Then we made it home. The hangover was terrible. He offered me a chest to cry on. It was just so beautiful. As he was travelling, he was supposed to leave me. But he stayed. Our date took eight days, we moved in together, started making life plans together, even went on our first vacations. Eight beautiful, unforgettable, dreamy days. I don’t want to cry when thinking about it. I smile. He’s away, but i don’t feel the urge to text him all the time, my decisions are not influenced, i can breathe. I don’t need reassurance. I just feel the love. I know he’s there and i feel confident he feels the same.
Is this a different kind of love? Is this because it’s two-sided? Is this me being more mature? What is this? (again, pathetic)
I would never (would i never really, or is this just my memory?) tell to the Mr. Picture that i love him. I already told it to Mr. Destined, and it circulates in my mind all the time, when thinking about him. And i do a lot.
crushing on somebody
being in love
loving
I’m in it, so i cannot be objective in answering my questions. I don’t want to be objective, tho. I just want to be with Mr. Destined, drowning in his eyes, talking gooder nonsense, sharing the life with him. I am pathetic, but i am in love. Loving. And crushing. At the same time.
