I’m a #WinterPerson from here on out. — Have you seen the forecast? It’s way too hot! Every time I step outside, I get sweaty and sticky and end up smelling like rotten dumpster fish. Contrary to whatever I’ve said in winter, I’d take the freezing cold over this any day. No really, I mean it. After this…

I will take these prices to my grave, and by grave, I mean the end of the meal — Hello and welcome to our Fancy Restaurant for your Special Occasion! Would you like to hear tonight’s specials? Wonderful! I was going to list them anyway. And just a heads-up — I will not be providing any information about their pricing. To start, we have two appetizers. The first is…

I shouldn’t have to tell you why I’m upset because you should already know why I’m upset. — What I Said To My Boyfriend During A Fight On Wednesday: I shouldn’t have to tell you why I’m upset because you should already know why I’m upset. And the fact that you don’t get that is also just very, deeply upsetting to me. What I Said To My Boyfriend Within…

When he says: There’s something creepy about cats. He means: I hate cats and that hatred is rooted in deep seated, unexamined misogyny. — When he says: I’m more of a dog guy! He means: I like dogs! When he says: There’s something creepy about cats. He means: I hate cats and that hatred is rooted in deep seated, unexamined misogyny. When he says: I hate the way cats shed. He means: I have no…

My parents’ dentist: “She’s known you since before you had braces. That’s longer than you’ve known your fiancé!” — My parents’ brothers, sisters, nieces, and nephews: “They’re family!” My parents’ coworkers: “We talk to them every day.” My parents’ coworkers from prior jobs: “We used to talk to them every day.” My parents’ college friends, who they haven’t seen in over fifteen years: “They’ll expect an invitation.”

Everything went really well, except for that awkward thing I said. — 10:43pm, 1 Minute After Leaving: What a fun party! I’m glad I went. 10:48pm: It was great to see those guys. Even Billy. Everything went really well, except for that awkward thing I said. But it’s okay. I was just trying to be funny. 10:53pm: I don’t think anyone cared…

You are HERE, you are PRESENT, and you are NEVER LEAVING — Hello mortals, and WELCOME to BODY BY SISYPHUS! I’m Sisyphus and I’m going to be your guide today. You’ve got to bring your whole selves to this workout, because you are HERE, you are PRESENT, and you are NEVER LEAVING. Here’s the deal for our newest members: everyone is going…

Here’s a gift for this special holiday. — Happy Mother’s Day! Here at the Supreme Court of the United States, we love moms so much that we’ve decided it’s okay for women to not have a choice in whether or not they become one. As you might have already heard, we’re planning to overturn Roe V. Wade, which…

“Licorice Pizza” is an animated feature for those who thought pineapple pizza was a controversial order.