Love is an accident. You are on this road for 27 years and while you are at a full acceleration of your youth, you clash and crush into something so majestic, especially if it’s a girl like her, there are absolutely no chances that you get out of it being completely sane. Yes, I lost my Sanity.
My thoughts are no more my own, they are like those leaves on the wind, that soar in hope and plummet in despair. The very dream of her being my side lifts me off the ground and fear of rejection stomps and crushes me into the ground. The anxiety of what’s going on in her mind makes me ‘do a barrel roll’. It’s like my mind is split into pieces, each playing its own tune of emotions. It’s Chaotic. It’s Unrequited Love. 🖤
I needed a way to envelope these cocktail of emotions into something tangible and post her. I couldn’t think of a better way than to pour them through my voice into a song. I immediately geared up my GarageBand and recorded this piece. 🎶
(I recorded and mixed it in a hurry, but I never wanted to correct or rerecord it. This is a raw artifact that snapshots those feelings I went through during that phase. I still smell them whenever I listen back to this.)
Should I send, should I not!? I then recollected my first crazy message I sent her and rule about insane risks I made for life, which got us till here. I instantly clicked send, before my mind makes up some-other crazy theory for not to send. Just after sending, I got so relaxed, as if I dumped all my anxiety and fear, world seemed a better place again. Nope! That was Sarcasm. My anxiety meter started choking. Oh my Gosh! What have I done!! What would she think about me!!! Does any mentally balanced person send a song to a girl just after a single meet!!!! How film-sy!!!!! You noticed it right, those exclamation marks kept incrementing!!!!!❗
After a clock hour of constant checking for reply, I dejectedly started bicycling to work as usual, and while I was in the middle of a strenuous uphill, I received this text, “Great Singing!👍”. You can guess, my blood gushed into my legs and I made the fastest ride to work ever. 🚴
Man! That was something! I was in a bubble of exhilaration. I wanted to hide all that and not to sound so desperate, I replied “Thanks 🙂”, although it is supposed to be “Wow! Thank you so much 😃😇😍🤗🎉”. Assumed I made some impression and was waiting for a reply. But none returned. I wanted to extend the conversation and texted, “How was ur day? 🙂”, (ya my messages never use to go out alone, without being accompanied by an emoticon). Message sent, received, read, but no reply. The bubble bursts! 💦
Love, one-sided, is so asymmetric and unstable. It aches you to fill that missing piece. I kept stalking her online status, and every time I see her online, I used to get thirsty and drink a lot of water. I used to open her profile picture and continuously stare for minutes together.
In the words of Dr.Brand in Interstellar:
“love isn’t something we invented — it’s observable, powerful. something we can’t understand, yet. Maybe it’s some evidence, some artifact of higher dimensions that we can’t consciously perceive.”
I really wished there is some wireless protocol among humans that can transfer emotions. Forget among all humans, just between me and her. Because, it’s been a week and it’s so hard to keep all these thoughts within myself. They keep bouncing by the walls of my skull and never die. Day-by-day, they use to get terrible as I see her online often, what if she met some other guy and they are happily chatting. What if he is a guy who uses less smileys and makes her smile more. What if she likes him, and don’t even think of me for a blink. God! I am doomed!!
I wanted to try the same again, funnel my emotions into song. This time I wished to be serious and sincere, as an artist and make a profound attempt. Artists can never lie and you would know if they do. Let’s get it out! And the result was this, with a tag line "Not to impress, but to express, that I am still waiting..."
It went unread, for hours and days. I could see my hair falling with the amount of distress I was going through. My parents casually gave up and started looking for other girls. Damn! I couldn’t move on. ‘I was stuck on you! I used to cross your office everyday just to sense your presence, close, yet so far. Just give me one more chance, let me just see you one more time!!’
That Friday evening, I finally pulled all my guts to pluck-out this arrow out of my chest. Thus goes my lengthy last message:
“Last message, lengthy, but surely the last one. I agree it’s unorthodox, but I hope it’s not wrong, given the context, to send you those podcasts, or write like this. That’s all I do, sing, write or run on a treadmill, to vent my emotions out.
I have never felt like this about a person before. So, I had to keep my ego aside and sincerely say, “I can see a better-creative-me, if you-be-with-me”. I wanted to say this in our next meet, but am not sure if I should be looking forward for it. Just in case, if you haven’t made a decision, I would say, let’s just meet once to complete what we started. I respect your space and time and NOT desperate about ‘When’. Please just say, should I keep this hope alive?
If this goes unanswered, I promise, won’t disturb you anymore.”
To be Continued…The Theory of Everything (The Arranged Love — Part 3)
Originally published at munnuwedsgopal.happyforever.com on February 14, 2018.