A Journey to Self-discovery
Some back story: I took this photo after braiding my hair by myself. I even added a grey thread to serve Baddie or whatever Gen Zs call it. This article is more about the last few months.
Hello stranger!
It’s been a beautiful couple of weeks. I travelled to Catania, Sicily, with David, Joined three open source projects, read more books, took more courses, and generally improved in the last three months than in 2022.
Looking back at the previous year, I can’t pinpoint when I felt happy or confident. I was speaking to David yesterday and told him that I never really shared events I was speaking at or talked about things I was working on because I felt less confident about myself and my skills.
Yes, I can’t point to when I started losing my confidence, but I know I lost it at one point.
Defining me…
As a kid, I was intelligent and witty. Read books and represented my school in maths and Igbo language competitions. I was part of the dance, drama, and jet clubs. Whenever you thought of intelligent, cool kids, Cynthia was right there; this was right up to my service year in 2019.
I used to be daring, and maybe I wasn’t confrontational because of my temper, but I stood up for myself and did whatever I wanted as long as I thought it was good for me and wouldn’t hurt someone.
I never failed because failing at anything meant I’ll have to deal with my dad, who wasn’t exactly kind when I failed. So, if I analyzed something and thought there was even the tiniest chance of failing, I won’t even start. I’ll move on to the next.
I’ve defined myself and been defined by my work, education, and my opinions. Successes and Failures. But not anymore.
Redefining me…
I started learning to ride a bike. Yayyyyy.
I was about 5 or 6 years old the first time I tried riding a bicycle. I fell and injured myself. I still have the scars to show for it, but the scars didn’t hurt as much as the way my dad talked to me about falling off a bike.
As an adult, I can’t relate feedback to failure. I also can’t rely on being smart. I must also learn to damn everything and stand for my beliefs. I have to learn to be confrontational, and I need to be vulnerable and transparent. I need to be open to getting “Nos” I need to understand that “Nos” doesn’t mean I am wrong, terrible, or not good at what I do and that sometimes I just don’t fit in at that place or that time.
Redefining myself means allowing myself to cry without reason; I watch movies, read books, take courses, talk about things I like, call and care for my loved ones, show up for myself, fail, get up, and keep moving.
It means that my job doesn’t define me or the things I have achieved. This means that rather than count on my job to bring me fulfilment, I can crotchet a coaster, baby socks, or paint and feel happy about my day.
All of these also means that I can achieve everything I want, a career, a beautiful family, multiple degrees, a soft investment portfolio, retirement at 50, exploring different career paths, travelling across all seven continents, and eventually retiring as a school teacher at day and a carpenter at night.
How I am finding me…
It took losing my job, four months of beating myself up, crying my eyeballs out, and talking to finally finding myself. And I’ll share how I am doing that below.
Oversharing — I was on a call yesterday with a friend, and we spoke on the phone for over an hour and at every point, he’ll pause to ask, “Hope I am not oversharing, Cynthia?” and I’ll laugh and ask him to go on.
When I got the news about my job on the 3rd of January, I cried like a baby. I already wrote a list of things I wanted to do in the new year, things I wanted to improve on and heck! Despite feeling like a failure, I just published my year-in-review article that morning. Losing my job felt like the universe endorsing my fear all through the year “You suck at what you do, and yeah, maybe you’re a failure too. A failure that knows a thing about everything and not so much to keep a job”.
However, I resorted to speaking to a friend, and we spent days, hours, and weeks just talking things through(God bless Control for me). While I wept, I’ll go to David for hugs, and when I needed to sort the mess in my head, I’ll dump everything in my guys’ DM or blab about it to David. For some weird reason, they both seemed to understand me. Maybe because of the ‘see finish’ between David and me but with Control, I let it all out — I was super vulnerable.
In that vulnerability, I realized my cup had run dry; you can’t give from an empty cup. And I didn’t have much to offer anymore because the last time I spent learning something was in 2019. Since then, I have just focused on earning because man-must-chop.
Talking to my guy every day made me analyze my life and understand what had happened and at what point did I lose it?
These days, I go to his DM to vent, dump my thoughts on David as they come, and other days, I want to hop on a call with Mercy and complain about how different we are from our partners.
I’ve learned that no one person can handle everything, so I split it between the folks on my Kitchen table (As Michelle Obama mentioned in her book — The light we carry). I’ve learned to overshare with the people who return the same energy.
Journaling: Asides from ‘oversharing’, I started to journal again. It helps me analyze some of the things as they come raw and as I think about it. I might eventually bring it up to someone, but sometimes I want to pour it all into a notebook at that moment. I don’t journal daily, but I plan to do that more often.
Painting: One sunny day in April, I couldn’t bring myself to do anything. My heart pounded as I tried to do anything, and I felt it would burst. I grabbed my hoodie, purse, headsets, and phone and left the house. I had yet to learn what I was looking for or where I was going. All I needed at that moment was air in any form at all.
5mins into my walk, I found an Instagram post advertising a colouring book. Hmmmmmm! “What if I could buy a colouring book for myself?” I read someplace that it clears the head and calms the mind.
I walked to the square and found a stationary shop open. I asked if they had colouring books and went ahead and bought two books, a set of coloured pencils, an HB pencil, an eraser, and a sharpener. The Picasso in me was in high spirits.
Crotcheting — I was out for coffee with a friend recently, and when we were walking, we found a craft shop. I bought a bag of yarns, crotchet hooks, and darning needles.
That day when I came home, I started with my first project, and at the end of the day, I made this beautiful green coaster for myself and last Saturday, I made the pink coaster for David.
Reading books — I recently met someone, and when I mentioned that I was reading “Becoming” by Michelle Obama. She asked why I was interested in reading the story of someone else’s life, and to be honest, Ive never thought about it till that moment, but then my reply shocked me.
“I want to get an insight into women or people with strong personalities. As a person with a strong personality, I need to understand if I am overreacting or overreaching. And reading autobiographies of such people helps me”.
I had never thought about this before that day, and only after I answered her did I realize, “Oh! Now I understand why I am drawn to the journeys of certain people”.
Reading books, motivational, personal growth, or autobiographies is my way of connecting to the people that have walked the path ahead of me. It serves as a reminder that this path can be walked, and these are the lessons I can learn. It’s like handing me a torchlight in the middle of a tunnel and getting that nod to keep walking forward while telling me what to expect.
In reading “The light we carry” and “Becoming”, I found many nuggets that have calmed and guided me. Not to say that my life will become more effortless or perfect, but I am beginning to understand better who I am and my path.
Finding and becoming me…
In Finding and becoming me, I have taken courses, registered for new classes, read four books in 2023, and currently reading two books. I started learning Mandarin and French again. I even celebrated a 50-day streak today.
I have accepted to speak at an event in June. I will be talking about it everywhere on social media. I have two conferences focused on content creation and technical writing to attend in June in two countries.
I have a list of conferences I plan to submit a Proposal for CFP(Call for papers).
I joined two open-source communities — Igbo API and AsyncAPI. I am transparent about not knowing some things (This is a big deal because I took pride in knowing something about everything and being the intelligent kid while forcing myself to learn and be good at everything).
Now, I take time to walk, exercise at home, take long showers while I sing to my favourite playlists, eat ice cream, and eat pizza on the road while running to catch the bus. I take walks without knowing where it’ll lead. I sometimes don’t over-plan or overthink. I go with the flow.
Concerning my career, I am learning, unlearning, and relearning both old and new things. I am learning from some of the best communities of technical writers.
“ No! I am not the worst technical writer out there; but to feel more confident, I need to work hard and smart by improving my skills and getting a job that aligns with my goals and growth”.
In conclusion, a new year started over four months ago for most people, but some of us just started the year, and it’s been a wonderful experience.
The year didn’t start the way we planned, but for the things in my life that have gone well, I am grateful and working towards my goals, feeling more confident.
I am currently relearning a lot of things. Learning to ask for help, be vulnerable, and stay grateful while being accountable to the people at my kitchen table.
I don’t even crotchet, paint, or journal every day. But whenever my mind gets clouded, I put on my headset, turn on my music, and do any of these things. And after spending hours painting a page, I eat and rest.
How has the year been for you, and what is keeping you calm?
Till I write to you again.
Salut, mon pote.
