Backwash and bad heads. — Drink hits And I am soaked in butter, Drizzled in honey, Soft, gooey, saccharine sweet. All warm smiles and Whitter for miles. Silly, Sunny, Sassy, Funny. I am she who writes, She who entertains, Life and soul, Salt of Earth, Your new best mate In t’queue for t’loo. Head high, chin up: “I like your dress. “Where’s your…

A TMI retelling of my lumpectomy experience (and a vivid description of my asymmetrical ta-tas). —

The uprising is nigh — Winner, winner, chicken dinner, poor old Chuck is not a grinner, destined for the pot to simmer, feels the horror rising in her. Old McDonald’s her tough boss, Chuck stopped laying, made him cross, wife’s preparing white wine sauce while he axe-wields to cull the dross. Chuck gets hunting for…

It’s all pseudoscience if you ask me — I read a thing about chiropractors and how they could kill you with a single dodgy crick of your neck. …

An autobiography — Barbara was a barnacle — clingy, sticky, unwilling to get moving. She sat and she stewed and grew rough around her edges, stuck stubborn amidst high tides and searing rays and sea storms that blustered for days. …

It’s perfectly alright to like what you like — Anteaters eat far more than just ants, dude, don’t write them off as boring with food. They also eat termites, and some munch on beetles and… alright, I’ll admit, they’ve a limited menu. But anteaters like what they like, alright? And they’ve liked what they like for long enough time that they’ve…

Depression is no match for self-care — don’t panic, poppet. you don’t really hate yourself, you just need to wash your hair. rub away the dead skin cells until your scalp squeaks, keep scrubbing at the live skin cells until your scalp leaks skin goo and sloughs away, then take a pumice stone and let the water quench the dust as you sand down your…

For me and for anyone who needs it — the grey cloud above you is whispering insisting you’re the only one it casts in shade. you glance at the smiles on faces every which way assuming they’re painted by sunshine’s rays. the grey cloud’s murmurings are untruths and they’ll be the ruin of you if you listen. grey clouds plague many not a few certainly…

Penned by an emotionally wrecked, socially incompetent moron — I might have just turned another year older (boo), but at least I’ve become another year wiser (yay) so here’s a cliché list of 32 lessons I learned by age 32 that should only make you want to throw up a teeny-tiny bit. 1. When you cut into a cucumber…