Pokemon Fight Club : Round of 64, Part II
16 Pokemon are deceased. 16 more will perish today, I am afraid…
We’ve laid down the ground rules, and seen 16 Pokemon progress through to the next round — Today the remaining 16 battle it out to the death, there really is no other way of saying it.
There has been backlash already, Raichu’s death hitting the hardest with the “Pokemmunity” (a couple of Mr Mime fans also wrote a stern email displaying their sadness at their hero’s death — which was quickly sent to the trash folder). This series of battles today sees popular Pokemon such as Mew, Pidgeot, Onix & the mighty Charizard take centre stage.
Without further ado — it is my pleasure to introduce the remaining 32 Pokemon in the Pokemon Fight Club…
Round of 64 (part II)
Blastoise vs. Nidoking
Do you remember that one kid in school who was annoyingly taller than the rest in their class, grew their first pube way before the rest of us even thought about how to kiss with tongues without licking teeth? Blastoise is the PokeVersion of that kid. Now Nidoking would be no pushover in most fights, the giant purple horned hamster however is against pube-kid. Blastoise aims his naturally grown military style cannons at Nidoking’s little head and water-cannon’s it all the way back to kindergarten (death town) without so much as sniff of effort. Result = BLASTOISE WINS
Arbok vs. Moltres
Arbok has a routine. Wake up, piss off everybody around him by unfortunately being an ugly snake, hiss quite a lot whilst hiding in long grass and wriggle about in circles, eat something way too big for his own good, sleep. Sounds great, right? Throw in a massive bird on fire dive-bombing out of nowhere and you have absolute chaos for Arbok. He can’t handle it, he’s just eaten a Pidgey. Moltres has the upper-wing in this one and literally sets Arbok on fire — which pleases everyone in the crowd. Result = MOLTRES WINS
Lickitung vs. Aerodactyl
Let’s get this out of the way — Aerodactyl looks like the Bo Selecta version of a bat. That head is way too big for the rest of it, and the result is hilarious. I mean, imagine that thing hanging upside down, it’d look ridiculous. Anyway, the massive face is quite a target for the massive tongue of Lickitung — who — without warning licks Aerodactyl from top to bottom, wetting the wings and dropping it from the sky like a foolish bee after hitting a super-clean window. This, of course confuses Aerodactyl, who’s one attack is damp and ineffective. Cue a strange sequence of events where the bat is literally licked to death — if you can picture that, at all (if you can, you should be writing this — not me). Result = LICKITUNG WINS
Weezing vs. Flareon
I didn’t know what to do with Weezing I’ll be honest— the thing looks like it’s dying already, I kind of felt sorry for it. Do I let it be? Do I end its pain by throwing the thing into Fight Club? Hell, do I disqualify it for having a baby Weezing growing out of its hideous head? Thrown in to the Fight Club, Weezing stands still with smoke coming out of its incredibly large pores. Much like Arbok, Weezing gets the fire treatment straight to the dome— melting the ugliness right off. Result = FLAREON WINS
Tangela vs. Charizard
Poor Tangela, the unfortunate little mess of a thing. The almighty Charizard, the Game of Thrones of Pokemon against the Mr Men of Pokemon. Fans turn away, they can’t deal with watching this massacre. Charizard makes little work dispatching Tangela in one hot shot to the eyeballs. Tangela is probably in a better place now, the poor sod. Result = CHARIZARD WINS
Tentacruel vs. Zapdos
Both float around for ages, sparks literally going all over the place like pyro when Batista (now Drax) walked down the WWE ramp doing that mime machine gun “move” pre-2005. Much like wrestling, these things are flying around all over the place, it’s quite the spectacle — until suddenly Tentacruel realises he’s a squid (they were pretending to fight — wrestling) and really doesn’t like being electrocuted. Zapdos eliminates him Green Mile style through the skull. Result = ZAPDOS WINS
Hitmonchan vs. Clefable
The lights go out — the crowd thinking it must be Onix, they’ve waited all night for this one…A Spotlight hits the entrance ramp as the Rocky theme tune blasts out. Confused, the crowd give a medium cheer as Hitmonchan walks out, air-punching itself all the way to the ring — absolutely knackered by the time it gets there! Clefable, already in the ring instantly does some mad Derren Brown style trick as Hitmonchan’s boxing gloves turn into Postman Pat Pez dispensers, rendering ‘Chan useless. Suddenly Clefable raises a hand…the crowd stunned…and with a Thanos click, Hitmonchan “poofs” into thin air. Result = CLEFABLE WINS
Seadra vs. Dragonite
When god made Dragonite he was like do you want to be a cuddly toy or a Charizard? Too slow to decide, God made him both. The result is a weird friendly dragon with absolutely no desire to fight whatsoever. Seadra, who is lucky to be facing such an easy opponent seeing as though he himself is a small angry curly fish, manages to gain the upper hand with multiple super-soaker shots, which upsets Dragonite so much it tries to fly away. However, Dragonite’s wings are so flimsy it gets 20ft in the air and can’t deal with flapping about anymore carrying an overweight dragon — Dragonite plummets to its death as the crowd watch on, puzzled as to what they just saw. Result = SEADRA WINS
Slowbro vs. Golduck
Over quicker than Gemma Collins signs up for any reality show, Golduck batters Slowbro to death — who sat there holding its tail just smiling (can you tell I struggled with this one?). Result = GOLDUCK WINS
Golem vs. Onix
Action Film Porn right here. Rock (Golum) vs The Rock (Onix). This is what we’ve waited for, this is an instant PokeClassic. There are rocks going everywhere and It. Is. Glorious. Onix (in a non-porn way) gets harder and harder, making Golum’s attacks less and less effective. The match turns in to one big game of dodge ball as the pair lob rocks at one another until Golum launches ITSELF at Onix in one final Pearl Harbour style attempt. Super Effective! Onix falls apart like a Buckaroo with one too many plastic household items stuck to it. Result = GOLUM WINS
Muk vs. Jinx
As we alluded to in part I, what we have here is a pile of purple mess against a Blackpool Drag Act. It’s a really confusing fight, logically nobody can understand how this one will work, whatsoever (let alone me). Do you remember when Paris Hilton decided she fancied being in a horror film to everybody’s surprise and appeared in House of Wax? If you do, you’ll remember how out of place she was, and the moment we all rejoiced when she died a horrific waxy death? Well that’s kinda what’s happening here. So out of place is Jinx (gyrating on Snorlax for PokeCoin) that Muk ends the awkward, awkward turn of events by drowning her with horrible sludge — if ever there was a reason to label the Fight Club “adults only”, this would be the grounds for making the decision. Result = MUK WINS
A man called Ash jumps the barrier and into the ring screaming “Pikachu, I still choose you!” which annoys everyone in attendance (he’s quickly becoming the 2019 FHRITP guy — if you understand that acronym then we must be friends).
Victreebel vs. Golbat
Both of these chaps are essentially here for a participation medal — they know that they aren’t going to get too far in the Fight Club, and so do we to be brutally honest. Round one as fallen kind to them, both actually have a chance to impress their family today (until they get literally eaten alive by the likes of Charizard) This isn’t a spot-fest, there is literally a massive plant sat there enticing a bat in to it’s massive hole with lovely smells and strangely sexual lips. Golbat takes the bait, lured into the sweet scent of plant neck. The crowd watch — painfully — as Victreebel dissolves Golbat, and it takes ages. This is the toilet break for all of us. Result = VICTREEBEL WINS
Cloyster vs. Vaporeon
Pure schadenfreude coming up, but Cloyster has to go, the clammy git. Look at the cocky eyes, and side-smirk — it’s just not acceptable here. There’s no place for smugness, not in round 1, who the hell does the lad think he is?! Vaporeon doesn’t want any violence (being a friendly blue fish-cat), but mercy kills Cloyster to enjoy the silence of Cloyster’s repetitive chuckles from inside the shell — a mere quick attack killed the little sod. Good riddance if you ask me. Result = VAPOREON WINS
Starmie vs. Arcanine
When I stroll across the beach (which admittedly is rare) every now and again I find myself stumble across a star fish, and absolutely every time, I am delighted. The things baffle me. They are so inoffensive they are offensive. Starmie is unbelievably the unanimous favourite in this fight, up against a hairy dog who — quite recklessly — is walking around already on fire! I mean, come on. Starmie does a few twirls (the crowd lap it all up) whilst Arcanine dies a slow painful death as a result of being on fire — I just can’t with some of these things, honestly... Result = STARMIE WINS
Machamp vs. Pidgeot
Yes, he has 4 arms, and practically I am not too sure which hand he’ll use for most things (welcome to Handshake City, population: Machamp’s Arms). but in a fight this is surely a plus, right? Up against the bad-boy-pidgeon of Pokemon with racing stripes. Anyway, goes without saying, but Machamp batters Pidgeot to a feathery pulp in minutes. Tonight will be utter chaos in Trafalgar Square, pidgeon riots and poop everywhere. Result = MACHAMP WINS
Mew vs. Kangaskhan
In any other reality, a walking sperm would last seconds (there’s a joke there, I am sure of it…) against an inbred kangaroo-bull. But this is not Sex In The City, and Miranda’s strange neck veins are nowhere to be seen. Much like his brother, Mewtwo, Mew doesn’t really do much but give a disapproving look to Kangy and poof, drops dead. Nobody can explain it, but nobody dares ask Mew what the deal with that was. Result = MEW WINS
That was emotional, right? Who expected Onix to suffer defeat? Who expected to see Jinx gyrating? Who also applauded wen Cloyster was killed to death until it perished? Moments we will all remember…
In the next round, we will see the remaining 32 Pokemon fight it out for their spot in the last 16 — Does Clefable really stand a chance?
The draw has been made, and the PokeFate is now in the hands of the PokeLads themselves…
Jack A. Goodwin
