NES Games No One Played: Letter J

We are still going strong!

I’ve got a pretty extensive NES collection and have for years been writing about the best games for the system while also trying to collect every title. As such, I feel like I’ve spent tons of time playing all the great games while the lesser known titles usually come in the mail and go straight onto the shelf. I wanted to make more of an effort to explore the entire library of the NES, not just the classics, and so I’m trying out some buddies I either popped in and immediately out or never played in the first place. Since I’ve got them organized alphabetically, let’s continue on with the Letter J.

• Letter A can be found here
• Letter B can be found here
• Letter C can be found here
• Letter D can be found here
• Letter E can be found here
• Letter F can be found here
• Letter G can be found here
• Letter H can be found here
• Letter I can be found here

JACKIE CHAN’S ACTION KUNG FU | 1990

Like my Dragon Power review, it’s hard to believe that some of the most popular cultural imports from Japan and China were totally obscure in the 80s and early 90s. While Jackie Chan isn’t quite as omnipresent as he was 10 years ago, he was a huge deal in the Western World and 10 years before that he was a huge star in the East. So while most of us in the US and Europe were sleeping on the Chanmeister, Asia made an action platformer starring the man himself. And holy shit it’s actually pretty damn good. I’m shocked!

The backgrounds are really well drawn and the sprites are HUGE and well animated. Just get to the first boss who’s this giant angry statue; it’s like the next best thing to a Dr. Wily’s castle level boss fight. Also, I love how when Jackie runs he looks real serious and pissed but if you stop running he smiles — he’s just so delighted to take a little break! The level designs are varied and beautiful and while the music’s nothing special it definitely gets the job done. However, the best part about the game is the combat. You’ve got a crouching kick, a punch, and a jump kick for your regular arsenal, and then you have Up + B (a super roundhouse or flying somersault) and hold down B a few seconds (a sonic boom style fireball) as your ammo based attacks. The variation in attacks reminds me of playing something like TMNT III where you could just jump kick everyone in sight, but the real fun is in switching things up from enemy to enemy.

There’s no RPG elements here like in similar games such as Flying Warriors or the almighty Kickmaster, but the different attacks, the amazingly endearing sprite animations, and the boss fights are plenty enough to give this game charm and replay value. Jackie Chan’s Action Kung Fu may not be the greatest NES game ever made or even in the top 100 per se, but it is a hidden gem of sorts and if you’ve played all the other action platformers to death I think you’ll find this game to be a pleasant distraction.

It always amuses me how much less there is to say about good games versus bad games. I could wax on all day about how terrible Dr. Chaos is, but I genuinely struggled to put together three paragraphs about Jackie Chan’s Action Kung Fu. It’s just so much easier (and more fun) to point out the faults in something than it is to express unique ways to praise something that works. What a world we live in am I right?!

Similar Games: Kickmaster, Conquest of the Crystal Palace

JAMES BOND JR. | 1991

Not gonna lie, I was a huge fan of this show. That theme song is permanently etched in my brain. Basically JBJ is James Bond’s nephew and as such is a super trained spy who must balance world saving with his High School studies. Makes sense to me! I have no idea if the cartoon is as good as I thought it was at age eight, but since I haven’t watched it since then let’s just say yes, it’s amazing and fart jokes are still the pinnacle of comedy. And like so many of these tv adaptations I had no idea were made into an NES game, I would’ve been all over this bad boy 28 years ago (Jesus Christ is that right?!? 28 YEARS!!! I’m so OLD!)

I was expecting this to be a pretty straight forward action platformer, but it’s actually more of an adventure game. The first thing you’ll notice is that there’s a picture of a rocket with a timer counting down from 45:00. If you take the left of the first two available paths, you’ll find a giant rocket and once you climb up there and reach the computer console you’ll be asked to solve a Rubix Cubesque slide panel puzzle. It ain’t easy and it ain’t fun. Do this five times at five different rockets spread throughout the stage and…Game Over? I don’t know, I didn’t make it that far. I watched a video playthrough online and it looks like there’s two more levels with similar “disable or save this amount of things or people” followed by a Ghost N Goblins halfway fake out ending where the boss got away and now you have to beat the entire game a second time. Yeah, no thanks.

Also, I would have no idea what to do or where to go without that walkthrough. If you take the right path, you’ll painfully spring bounce your way up a never ending tower, shoot a white guy 30 times in the groin at which point he drops something. I didn’t think anything of it until the video showed that it was scuba gear. But how does James put it on? I tried every combination of button including Start, Select, A + B, the entire D-PAD until I realized that in order to select it you need to duck and then press Select. Why not just Select? How hard would that have been?!? Now that you have the scuba gear equipped, instead of bouncing uncontrollably back and forth along the water you now fall through it into everyone’s favorite video game trope: the underwater level. Yay. Here you fight fish, clams, floating mines, and bubbles with your trusty…bubbles?!? You shoot big bubbles with your smaller bubbles in order to destroy them, Highlander style. THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE BUBBLE!

The controls are pretty stiff and James Jr. jumps like he’s showing off on the moon. Your weapon is way too weak, requiring seven to twelve shots to the head (WITH A GUN) in order to kill the bad guys and the bullet is so minuscule that you have to time your jumps perfectly to hit anyone. Then there are enemies like the shirtless white guys who you cannot kill without them shooting you; you just have to stand there and tap B as quickly as possible, blasting them repeatedly while you inevitably take at least 5 unavoidable hits. The levels are relatively simple, if you watch someone else play them, but play it yourself and you’ll find a deep canyon of frustrating jumping and futile shooting ahead of you.

Similar Games: Goonies II, Space Shuttle Project, Milon’s Secret Castle

JETSONS: COGSWELL’S CAPER | 1992

I think that this is the rarest game I’ve discussed so far (whoops forgot about Dragon Fighter). A loose copy currently goes for about $150 bucks on Nintendo Age. True story, I have two copies of the Jetsons because one night I got drunk, won an auction on eBay, and when I woke up realized I’D ALREADY WON THE SAME GAME THE NIGHT BEFORE. Not one of my prouder moments. Anyway, the Jetsons game…

The graphics are not bad, very similar in quality to <surprise> the Flintstones games. The sound and music is decent enough, and the controls are responsive which blows my mind that this is even something that needs to be said. Why would you ever make a game where the controls make it difficult or even impossible to play that game? That’s cruel! Anyway, the first thing you’ll notice is that this game seems kind of familiar and not just because it’s about the Jetsons. George doesn’t have a weapon but instead picks up boxes to throw at enemies, kind of like a certain Capcom classic also based on a cartoon. Yes I would go as far as to say that Jetsons: Cogswell’s Caper is kind of a shameless rip-off of Chip N’ Dale Rescue Rangers.

You collect stars, hearts, and Dr. Mario looking pills that Rosie calls “Power Packs”. I’m not really sure what the point of any of them is, but I do know that the game places SO MANY BOXES in each level that surely there must be a purpose to these items. Why else would 75% of the gameplay be “Hey, what’s under this box? Nothing. And that box? Hmmm also nothing.” After a while I just started ignoring them altogether and was amazed how much faster and more enjoyable the game became. Seriously, if anyone has played this title before and knows what the stars and magic pills do please let me know.

I was really confused by this game at first. It seemed incredibly easy until I got to the first boss where you have to throw boxes coming off a conveyor belt at a robo-dog. The problem is that if you’re hit on the conveyor belt you’ll be pushed helplessly into a pit. Furthermore, in order to get to a place where you can hit the dog, you have to have perfect timing in your jumps and your shots because he’s above you and doesn’t stay in one place very long. Then I accidentally figured out you can throw the box up at an angle and then this boss fight went from Mega Man hard to Kirby’s Adventure easy real quick. Turns out this pretty well sums up the game, it’s very simple and straight forward and varies wildly from moment to moment in difficulty. There’s a lot of trial and error platforming, but since there are infinite continues it makes it pretty easy to keep trying. However, overall I’d describe this game as pretty mediocre, maybe worth a play or two but it’s not going to win any accolades. I suppose most games don’t receive accolades 27 years after their release, but if I were giving them out they’d all go to Solstice and 3D World Runner so what the hell do I know?

Similar Games: Chip N Dale Rescue Rangers 1 &2, Flintstones Surprise at Dinosaur Peak and Rescue of Dino and Hoppy

JIMMY CONNORS’ PRO TENNIS TOUR | 1993

In writing this series, I skipped over tons of obscure sports games mostly because what else can you say? Every Golf game is just plain ol’ golf with minor tweaks and the same can be said for pretty much every Baseball, Football, and Soccer game with some exceptions. Some are good, some are bad, some are Base Wars. That being said, even if the gameplay varies very little from title to title, games like Jimmy Connors’ Pro Tennis Tour are notable for a different reason: rarity. There were several very uncommon sports games released for the NES, the rarest of which is the only hole in my collection: Stadium Events. Others include Best of the Best Championship Karate, Championship Pool, Pro Sport Hockey, Dusty Diamond’s All Star Softball, and Tecmo Cup Soccer. None of them are particularly noteworthy in any way other than the fact that you’ll have to shell out $50 plus to acquire a title you’ll probably never play. What a hobby!

So Jimmy Connors’ Pro Tennis…it’s ummm…it’s tennis alright! For a game released in 1993, the graphics really aren’t any better than those found in “Black Box” Tennis released 7 years earlier. While there is some technique here (you can lob shots, drop shots, rush the net, etc.) none of it really matters because the hit detection [cough] “racket detection” is awful. The precision needed to pull off even the easiest return is way too hard and I’m playing on the easiest possible difficulty “Beginner”. Ever played Mario Tennis? If so you’d know that when you first picked it up you may not have mastered the serve or the trick shots or whatever, but easily volleying the ball back and forth with the computer was no big deal. In Jimmy Connors’ Pro Tennis, successfully hitting the ball is like winning at rock-paper-scissors. Winning a game? That’s like finding a $20 bill on the ground. Somehow impossibly winning an entire match? Good thing you’re already dating Scar Jo because your reign as “God of Luck and Skill” continues unabated.

I truly believe that if you’ve never played the sport of tennis that you’d have an easier time beating someone on a real tennis court than beating the computer on the most forgiving setting. I found after playing for about an hour that my brain would shut off and for several brief beautiful spurts I could consistently smash my opponent. Then I’d become self aware again, realize how well I was doing, and inevitably stop making contact and start losing again. Perhaps this game is deeper than I realize and is trying to force you to let go of your conscious mind and drift inward to achieve enlightenment. Perhaps it’s just a shitty sports title that probably hasn’t been played by anyone other than me in twenty years. Deep thoughts y’all!

Similar Games: Racket Attack, Tennis, Top Players Tennis

OTHER LETTER J GAMES (CLASSICS)

Jackal, Joe & Mac, Journey to Silius

OTHER LETTER J GAMES WORTH TRYING

Jaws, Joust, Jurassic Park

OTHER LETTER J GAMES WORTH AVOIDING

All the Jeopardy games