Is Being Friends With Your Ex A Bad Idea: When Your Ex Wants To Stay Friends
Is being friends with your ex a bad idea — When your ex wants to stay friends.
Are you “friends” with your ex boyfriend or girlfriend?
Maybe your ex suggested it would be a good idea to be friends…
… or maybe you think it’s “better than nothing” if the alternative is losing them forever.
WRONG!
Being friends with your ex is actually almost always a bad idea and a recipe for additional (and unnecessary) heartache.
That’s especially true if you want to get your ex back, but it’s even true if you’re ready to move on and don’t want to get back together.
And although the “friend zone” is a terrible place to be with your ex, so many people fall for this trap because it’s such a tempting idea.
I mean, your ex is giving you an option that allows you to maintain contact with the person you’ve loved for some time and, in theory, this will allow you to move on gently and slowly without the intense feelings of loneliness that often accompany a breakup.
After all, if you can slowly wean yourself off those romantic feelings rather than going “cold turkey” and shutting down all contact with them, isn’t that a better option?
But the problem is that even though it often seems like a perfect compromise, being friends usually provides very little comfort and actually makes the process of moving on longer and more difficult than it needs to be.
AND… even more importantly… it will ruin your chances of winning your ex back!
There are a few other huge problems with agreeing to be friends with your ex if you want to win them back:
1.) It won’t give your ex a chance to develop feelings of nostalgia and he won’t miss you as much. One of the key ingredients to repairing a relationship is that your ex needs to miss you like crazy. How do you make someone miss you? Simple: disappear from their life suddenly and completely, shutting down all lines of communication. By maintaining a friendship with your ex, it’s impossible to really effectively disappear from their radar and make them miss you.
2.) It gives complete control of the situation to your ex. Another key to winning back your ex is to make it clear that you are still equal with them even though they decided to break up with you. You need to make it known that you’re not a pushover and that if your ex isn’t interested in a romantic relationship, then they cut from your life altogether.
3.) You serve as a “safety net” for your ex while they look for someone new. Do you want to be your ex’s confidante while they tell you about their new lovers? Do you want to be your ex “backup plan” in case things don’t work out with the new romance they are pursuing? Of course not. You have to make it absolutely clear to your ex that if they choose to break up with you, they are on their own and they can’t come running back to you if they finds the single life a bit less fun than they imagined it would be.
In reality, there really isn’t any scenario where being friends (at least for the first few months) after a breakup is possible.
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The most tempting idea that comes into any ex-lover’s mind after a breakup is getting back together the soonest possible time. All the hurt caused by loneliness and self-pity might push you to act on impulse. When you’re itching to do so, stop. You wouldn’t want to be caught begging, apologizing needlessly, threatening your ex, or shedding tears all over again. Stop looking like an idiot and start thinking.
Take a breather-perhaps this breakup is nothing but a pit stop where both of you could assess your shortcomings. And while you’re at it, study these 4 surefire solutions to a breakup:
Let Go of the Pain
Whether your ex is already in someone’s arms or he’s also recuperating from the pain of the breakup; the only way that you could face him confidently again is if you have learned to let go. This doesn’t mean giving up on your relationship-it only means you have assessed the problem and are ready to solve it. Your goal is to change his perception of you so meet him when you’re confident once more.
Weed Out Unpleasant Behavior
What caused the relationship to end, in the first place, are obnoxious behaviors and character. In order to take another shot at a relationship, a couple must compromise to throw some attitudes away; this could be your short temper, selfishness, being a control freak, dishonesty, overly jealous or being flirtatious. Continuing these behaviors could only mean one thing-an unavoidable second breakup.
Go Out and Have Fun
Stop moping in your bedroom and start going out with friends! Your ex will soon notice that you are starting to show your strengths once more and that you’re willing to enjoy life despite the breakup. Wallowing in a sea of emotion would only weaken you and make you look, well, not pretty. This doesn’t mean dating out, though; just enjoy your YOU time.
Talk Level-Headedly
Remember that very moment when you broke up or were divorced? Did you have composure then or were you screaming at the top of your lungs? When you propose to speak with your ex once more and you both try to sort things out, try to stay calm and bite back any harsh comments. You will find out that giving him a chance to talk will make him realize that he could actually confide in you.
Don’t force your ex to get back together if he’s not ready. Let him have his space as you also take your time in assessing your feelings. People can’t be easily read so it’s a lifelong process of getting to know what makes your significant other tick. Stop fighting and start loving-that’s all there is to it!
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