Part 3: The 6 types of toxic friends even the most mentally healthy among us can turn into — on occasion. (The Controller)
Have you not looked at the calendar? I’m not scheduled to go outside and play catch with you for 8 more minutes.
Yes, this was my response to my endearing, kind-hearted, 8-year-old daughter when she asked me to help her with her pitching. Not my proudest moment as a mom, but I was doing the best I could given the circumstances.
When I get stressed, scared, and insecure I begin a quest to find control. Yes, sometimes my desire for control can be a bit on the toxic side for my relationships. It doesn’t matter if the control has anything to do with what I am stressed, scared, or insecure about. As long as I can find some control, I feel like I am not completely losing it.
What is this need for control exactly?
There are a couple diagnoses that could describe my rigid schedule of play time as described above. Both OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) and OCPD (obsessive compulsive personality disorder) include criteria that may be satisfied by my stressed behavior.
Even though both of these diagnoses sound similar, they are not the same and require very different methods of treatment.
OCD
OCD affects approximately 2.3% of the population. OCD symptoms overlap some with OCPD. Both diagnoses describe a need for orderliness and control. However, OCD has something that OCPD does not: obsessions and compulsions.
Obsessions are thoughts that won’t go away, are unwanted, and cause extreme distress. These are not simply worries that sometimes come along. These thoughts are constant and unrelenting. When a person tries to take control of these obsessions, many times compulsions are formed.
Compulsions are behaviors that you feel you must carry out repeatedly. These compulsions are tools that are used to try to shed the anxiety of obsessions.
Some of my past clients’ compulsions include the following. Emptying and refilling the cat dish 27 times. Turning the stove on and then off 12 times. Unlocking and locking the door 5 times. Counting steps between two locations and needing to start over if interrupted.
Trying to rationally convince individuals experiencing OCD symptoms to simply stop the compulsive behavior is not only unproductive, it is hurtful and insulting. They all, without exception, conveyed that their compulsions were not rational. But, their obsessions were so debilitating that the compulsions were a tool to help them function.
My temporary need to follow a schedule by the minute does not enter the realm of obsessions and compulsions.
OCPD
OCPD criteria includes a preoccupation with perfectionism, orderliness, and control. This disorder includes behaviors that are inflexible and rigid, but do not include obsessions and compulsions.
Like other personality disorders, the symptoms must be pervasive and must meet a long list of criteria. Statistics show that roughly 1% of the population can be diagnosed with OCPD and mostly men are affected.
A person with this diagnosis will pay extreme attention to details and rules and may become so involved with being ‘productive’ that they neglect friends, family, and leisure.
As with the previous articles in this series, the toxic behavior I displayed with my daughter may put me in the running for yet another personality disorder symptom.
The Story
I am a firm believer that we all have a little bit of most mental health diagnoses … sometimes. One of my go-to behaviors when I feel out of control is to create order out of anything and anyone that is in my world.
Here was the situation that may have been a part of my need for control:
- It had been about a year since that spring day when I went from trying to find a way to save my marriage to fully pursuing a divorce. Wasn’t exactly the best timing.
- I had 3 extremely active children who were adjusting to their new life.
- I was adjusting to my new life.
- I was living in a rental that was not exactly a “dream home”.
- I had left my position as a professor to work 40 hour weeks as required for a year long residency program — that paid me in experience rather than money.
- I was studying about 20 hours a week for my state boards.
- I was defending my dissertation which was unnecessarily taking months longer than planned.
- It was becoming painfully obvious that the cash I stole from my retirement (as well as my credit) was not enough to stretch until I could get my license to work for actual money.
The mess
So there I was working, studying, and defending 60 to 70 hours a week simply to get to a place where I could support my family … one day. In between I had cross country meets, basketball games (many of which I coached), baseball games, softball games, track meets, and was attending every event at the school for my 3 kids. Sleeping had gone by the wayside. My biggest goal: No one was going to see me sweat.
I was afraid of failure. I was afraid of not being a good mom. I was afraid that anyone would see me struggle. I was ashamed of my financial mess. I was doubting my reasons for leaving my marriage. I was questioning why I left my position as a professor to pursue psychology. Seriously, Psychology? I could barely function and I thought I could help others?
My form of coping
My situation led me to incredible feats of productivity. My schedule was down to the minute. I became obsessed with timing my activities. I would study for 20 minute spans because research showed that was the optimal amount. In between study sessions, I would do “10 minute cleans” of various rooms. I would workout 50 minutes exactly. I would spend 15 minute spans focused on each of my kids. Yes, I used a timer. In all honesty, I still use a timer sometimes.
My calendar was color coded and in retrospect was a thing of beauty. I had it planned down to the minute and had more than occasional R-rated cussing episodes when anything deviated. If any of you do not have kids then let me tell you, 3 kids will deviate a schedule.
If you are wondering about social activities, dating, and the like — don’t. There was no time on my schedule for any of that craziness. Yes, during this time I was the toxic friend that was at best a little distant and at worst rude and dismissive. The only way I had to control my friends (their judgment, their sympathy, their advice) was to keep them at a distance.
The Lesson
I had a failed marriage. I had quit a good job. I felt like I was hurting my children. I wasn’t sure how I was going to pay my rent. I was pursuing a career that was questioned by everyone I knew. I was left wondering, “How the hell did I get here?”
I was living in fear of being seen for who I was — in that moment, in that place, in those circumstances. I felt that I was not lovable, likeable, or worthy. I was taking actions to hide my fears and emotions not only from others, but also from myself.
I am forever grateful for that time of my life. Through thoughtful reflection and a ton of work, I have come a long way in accepting myself and being unapologetic of who I am in this moment, in this place, and in these circumstances — no matter how crazy it can get.
My kids were very glad to get their mother back once I scratched and clawed my way through the doctoral program and state boards. Did my kids forgive me? Of course. Was my incessant scheduling and timing of activities necessary to succeed? Probably not. Did neglecting my friends because they did not fit in my schedule (and I feared their judgment) hurt our relationships? Definitely.
We are most toxic when when we are afraid of being seen. Knowing yourself, understanding your go-to protective behaviors, and intervening early will go a long way in helping you avoid being the sometimes TOXIC FRIEND.
In This Series:
Toxic Relationship Type 1: The Critic
Toxic Relationship Type 2: The Narcissist
Toxic Relationship Type 4: The Drama Magnet
