Part 1: The 6 types of toxic friends even the most mentally healthy among us can turn into — on occasion. (The Critic)
None of us believe that we are capable of being the toxic friend. That is simply impossible!
It’s always THOSE toxic people. You know, THOSE people who go around being toxic with every breath, thought, and action they do all day, every day, to everyone, forever.
That being said, I cannot ignore my experience as a psychologist and my 47 years of life. I’m a firm believer that all of us have a little bit of crazy in us every now and then. (Here’s one of my posts how grief can screw around with you for years.)
I see a ton of articles out there about toxic relationships or toxic friendships and they always pull me in. It’s like “Yeah, they were a toxic friend and that’s why I dropped them!” That last statement being said in a whiny, finger-pointy voice.
Then, in those weak moments, I have a sudden insight that someone else may be reading the same article and thinking about me as the toxic friend. Crap.
Wait, not possible. I am completely and totally mentally healthy and stable — at least right now. I mean, I’m not diagnosable. Well, I wouldn’t diagnose me. Okay, maybe this could use some exploration.
Categories of Toxic Relationships — my guesses.
Let me tell you, a ton of articles come up when you search “Toxic Relationship” on Google. I went through the first dozen or so and attempted to find some commonalities around the opinions of the authors.
One of the articles indicated there are a neat 5 types of toxic relationships. Another article suggested there were 13 types of toxic relationships. The other articles suggested anywhere in between.
I even did a rather lengthy exploration to see if the toxic relationships would fit in a nice box directly related to diagnosable personality disorders. I tried to make it fit and even tried to make a nice little diagram, but it was a muddled mess. All of our occasional tendencies to display symptoms of personality disorders will be left to another article at another time.
So, I stopped looking for an answer from the books. I decided to dive deep and do the best I could to aggregate my findings into my own categories. There was nothing very scientific to my efforts, more like an educated guess.
This is what I’m going with:
Toxic Relationship Type 1: The Critic — AKA: The Judgmental / The Passive-Aggressive
Toxic Relationship Type 2: The Narcissist — AKA: The Conversation Hog / The Know-It-All
Toxic Relationship Type 3: The Controller — AKA: The Stonewaller / The Manipulator
Toxic Relationship Type 4: The Drama Magnet— AKA: The Gossiper
Toxic Relationship Type 5: The Needy — AKA: The Victim / The Self-Destructive
Toxic Relationship Type 6: The Envious — AKA: The Green-Eyed Monster
But I don’t wanna be the Toxic Friend
In an exercise of self-exploration and a twinge of outright fear I will bring you along in an adventure of my not-so-fun-to-remember, but not totally reputation-ruining or career-ending experiences. I’m all about being a little bit vulnerable.
I will hit the first Toxic Relationship Type in this post (The Critic / The Judgmental / The Passive-Aggressive) and then work my way through each of types 2 through 6 in the next posts. I have a feeling this may hurt my pride a little bit, but here goes.
Toxic Relationship Type 1: The Critic
When anyone is being critical or judgmental or passive-aggressive it has nothing to do with the person they are talking to or talking about. It has everything to do with their low levels of self-esteem or self-worth … in that moment. Not always, but in that moment.
Have you ever had someone tell you that what you are doing is completely ridiculous? Then follow the insulting statements with, “Just saying.” or “As your friend, I just think you should know.” It’s even worse when after a discussion you aren’t sure if what they said was good or bad. “You have done so well … for someone with your education.”
If you ever leave a conversation and then wonder, “Hmmm? Was I just insulted?” you probably have rubbed up against a person in Toxic Relationship 1 Mode. These conversations leave you feeling like maybe you aren’t good enough after all.
It is a crappy place to be when you are feeling bad about yourself and one way to feel just a tick better is to belittle others or make others question their own self-worth.
The vast majority of us do not set out to hurt others, but our instincts take over to protect us. Unfortunately, belittling others is a learned instinct that we keep doing automatically simply because it works so well at protecting our egos. When we feel exhausted, insignificant, unworthy, or hopeless our instincts are likely to go into overdrive.
Yes, we are all susceptible
If we are honest, we have all been critical, judgmental, and passive-aggressive at different points in our lives. We may not be proud of those moments, but it is easy to go with, “I just thought they should know.”
As much as I try to catch myself before opening my mouth, criticizing and being judgmental are my favorite go-to defenses when I’m not feeling good enough.
Being critical is easy to justify when you are a professor, a coach, or a mom — some of the titles of my life. However, critical evaluation to truly help someone without judgment is not what I am talking about here. When I’m tired, overwhelmed, and stressed I can get ugly. Problem is, when you feel better, you can’t take back the stupid crap you said.
My story
My story was not with a friend and I was cut short before I hurt anyone in the process. Thank goodness.
Here’s the scenario: A client said that he was going to go to a different counselor because that counselor had written a book. He said, “Well, if he wrote a book, he must be really good.” Enter my strained neck twist and deep breath.
People leave therapy for all kinds of reasons. He may have truly left because he liked the idea of his therapist writing a book or it could have been any number of reasons that may or may not have had anything to do with me.
As a therapist, when a client leaves before the work is done, it is a good idea to assess the situation, do some soul searching, and reflect if there is anything to learn. That totally adult approach would have been completely rational as well as helpful to my future clients. But rational was not the direction I chose to go that day. I decided, of course, to go after the dude that wrote the book.
A little background: I’ve been working on a book now for a while and have started and not finished several others over the past 6 years or so.
The only facts I know for sure:
· I want to write a book.
· I have not finished writing a book.
What I believe:
· Writing a book is hard.
· If I write a book I can attract more clients.
· Writing a book will position me as an expert in a topic.
So, this writing a book thing has lingered in my thoughts for a while and I have had more than a couple mental road blocks in my way. This author dude, who I never met, is screeching his fingernails down the chalkboard of my ego.
In my not-so-rational state of mind, as soon as the client leaves I look up this book written by this local counselor. My findings were:
· He was not a counselor, psychologist, clergyman, or any other educated or licensed helper. He was just a guy that wanted to help people.
· His book was written in an informal voice and was about 60 pages long with a ton of white space.
· His book was written from his religious perspective (my client indicated religion was not a part of his life).
Oh, was my judgmental self and assumptions in full swing. Reason had no place. This guy was a personal affront against my entire being as a psychologist and some-day author — without even trying.
So here are my thoughts:
· “Perhaps it’s not a good idea to charge people to treat mental health issues without a degree or a license.” (I have no idea if he was charging people.)
· “Wow, a book by a local author. How Nice. Maybe next time you should hire an editor before you self-publish your random thoughts.” (I barely skimmed the readable parts on Amazon.)
· “It’s not professional to share your religious perspective in session.” (He never claimed to be an “unbiased professional”. Just a guy wanting to help people.)
I was ugly and I was The Critic, The Judgmental, and The Passive-Aggressor all rolled up into one. I had no idea what this guy was about or if he had the ability to help someone through a difficult time. But I was more than ready to tear into him because he wrote a book and got it out there.
Luckily I did not try to find him and call him out — I am seriously glad I didn’t make that effort. I did complain about it to a couple of my psychology friends. I have good psychology friends and they saw right through my ranting. Their consensus, “Why do you care so much?” and “Just finish your frikkin book already.”
Perspective gained.
Lesson learned. Probably will need to be learned again.
Being critical, judgmental, and passive-aggressive is a self-righteous crutch. You need to be super-aware of your ego to even recognize that your “advice” is not coming from a place of helpfulness. This is a tough one for me .
My trigger, especially when I am in a state of feeling unworthy, is when another person has accomplished one of my sincere goals that I have surrounded with excuses and fears. The more you are aware of your triggers, the better you get at shutting down your crazy defense mechanisms before they take over.
It is a worthwhile exercise to explore your own triggers. The ability to recognize when you are just a little too worked up with another person’s accomplishments will keep you from throwing out comments you will later regret. I’m gonna guess, when you are triggered, you too can be TOXIC!
In This Series:
Toxic Relationship Type 2: The Narcissist
Toxic Relationship Type 3: The Controller
Toxic Relationship Type 4: The Drama Magnet
