Part 2: The 6 types of toxic friends even the most mentally healthy among us can turn into — on occasion. (The Narcissist)
“I want to dress so that people think I’m a little bit better than they are.” Yes, those words actually came out of my mouth not so long ago. I stumbled around trying to explain myself. “I mean …” “What I meant was …” Too late. Considering the laughter, I’m pretty sure those words are engraved on the top of my file.
Click here to start with the beginning of the series.
Here’s the scenario: I went to a stylist because, as a professional, I don’t feel like I am putting enough effort into my dress and appearance. I feel this way because I was told,
“You don’t put enough effort into your dress and appearance.”
My thoughts? First of all … “ouch.” Second of all … “I’m not good enough.”
What exactly is a narcissist?
The criteria for a diagnosis dictates an individual must have a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy that begins in early adulthood. A diagnosis requires 5 of the following 7 characteristics.
- Has a grandiose sense of self importance
- Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
- Believes that he or she is “special” and unique
- Requires excessive admiration.
- Has a sense of entitlement
- Is interpersonally exploitative
- Lacks empathy
Individuals suffering from narcissistic characteristics are also likely to be highly reactive to criticism, have low self-esteem, be self-righteous, and use projection to put their unwanted traits on others.
Was my interaction narcissistic? Oh yeah. For me, not putting in the effort means: I am too important. I have a special quality. I have low self-esteem. I am acting self-righteous. I was doing a ton of projection.
How many Narcissists are there in this world?
As much as the term narcissist gets kicked around these days, studies suggest anywhere between less than 1% to 6% of the population fit the criteria to warrant a diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. That means that at least 94% of the population may act narcissistic sometimes, but do not meet the criteria.
It’s not like finding a narcissist is as rare as spotting Bigfoot, but I’m guessing you will have a lot of false sightings if you go by any single incident. We all have a little bit of everything (emotionally speaking) and narcissism is no exception. We can all be the narcissistic friend … sometimes.
So, a little background
I grew up in a middle class family — I’m guessing. Middle class is a pretty inclusive term and we surely were not television middle class. I love how the statistics have three levels of middle class. Upper, middle, and lower middle class. I think they are just trying to make us feel good somehow.
We were definitely not the upper middle class. I’m pretty sure we were somewhere in the middle middle class until the steel mills started faltering during the early 1980’s. We found ourselves no longer in any of the middle class categories.
According to our sudden drop in income, without much warning, we were unquestionably lower class. We still had all the stuff of the middle class, but we had to make it last until we could get out of this mess which took my parents most of my high school years.
You would think that high school would be a horrible time to find yourself suddenly poor, but given the circumstances it wasn’t so bad. Most of us who lived in the area had a parent who worked at the mills in Gary, Indiana. There were so many suddenly income-poor people that it was kind of expected that you had no money, despite your home or the stuff you had.
I have had certain words spoken to me that have stood the test of time. I remember them well and they have been turning points and value influencers in my life. I don’t recall the conversation or the situation, but I remember my mother saying, “You know what’s great about you? You carry yourself in a way that if you don’t have all the nicest things, people assume you simply don’t want them.” Little did I know, that was game-changer for me.
Built out of fear and insecurity, I could find strength in simply not wanting the things that I deemed frivolous. As I grew older, I held my pious ways to not even wanting things I could afford — now I’m really better than people around me. It sounds so much cooler now to say, “I’m a minimalist.”
The Stylist Day
Walking into her home was like walking into a palace. It was impeccably decorated and she looked pretty much perfect. My thought coming from a place of fear and that I’m almost certain came through in my body language was, “Sure, if I didn’t have to worry about making a living I could be all stylish too.” Other thoughts: “I’m not good enough.” “She’s better than me.”
Admittedly, I tend to dress like I’m dealing with 20-year-olds in a classroom day in and day out. I figured if they can wear pajamas and slippers to class, I’m good in my jeans and sweater. Problem is, I haven’t been in a classroom for 5 years and I know it’s time to up my game. I get it. It’s important to dress appropriately to show respect for those who show up.
Sophisticated style, in general, does not come natural and I have doubts that it should ever be one of my major goals. But, when I see people dressed in that certain sophisticated way, I see that they respect themselves and others around them. Instead of taking note of what I like about their appearance, my insecurity hits.
I basically turn into a junior high student. “Yeah, maybe you have a nice bike, but bikes are stupid. It’s much cooler to walk everywhere.”
This high horse feels pretty good. It’s easy to look down on others when you have a moral high ground. “Look at all those people so caught up in their appearance.” “There’s no substance.” “I am so above such materialism.”
How do I know my insecurity is real? I went from being a narcissistic judge of someone who dresses well to being a narcissistic judge of those who don’t dress well in about a 10 minute span. At the end of the stylist day, it became all too obvious that self-reflection time was overdue. I was in a storm of insecurity and found myself trying to cover it up with arrogance.
Looking Inward
It is easy to see myself at different points in my life when I have displayed 1 or 2 or 7 of the narcissistic characteristics. However, to be clinically diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder you must be pervasive in your behavior and you must have at least 5 of the patterns (pervasively). Self-reflection has no room.
Honesty is tough with these criteria. I don’t know too many who would want to admit having any tendency to narcissism. It is reserved for THOSE PEOPLE who have little insight to their behavior. Unfortunately, we can all be THOSE PEOPLE sometimes. Insecurity will cause your ego to protect itself by any means necessary.
Arrogance is ugly and can be hurtful to all of those around you. Be aware when you start comparing yourself to others. It is a sure sign that your insecurities are about to cause your ego to go into protection mode and you too may become the Toxic Narcissistic Friend … sometimes.
In This Series:
Toxic Relationship Type 1: The Critic
Toxic Relationship Type 3: The Controller
Toxic Relationship Type 4: The Drama Magnet
