Four Ways to Reduce Resentment
Lila has four kids ages 8 and under. She loves being a mom and tries to keep her kids healthy, happy, and enriched. She takes them to story time at the library and arranges play dates. Her children have come to rely on her for entertainment and get upset if she doesn’t play with them. She makes dinner every night and packs lunches for the school-age children. While the younger ones nap, she works on family scrapbooks and does other household chores.
She and her husband have agreed that it makes sense for her to stay home with the kids while he works. He has a greater earning potential than she does, and she enjoys being home. But ever since the fourth child, Lila feels like life has been turned up a few notches. There are so many demands and so little time.
Right off the exit Lila takes to get home is a row of newly built townhomes. Every time she passes them, she daydreams about living there — alone. She thinks about how great it would be to have the house to herself. She knows the homes would be nice and well-kept on the inside, and the grounds crew would take care of the lawn and planting areas. It seems so relaxing and peaceful.
When she has this reverie, Lila’s mind slips into that oh-so-human tendency of black-and-white thinking. Her lower brain says, “We have two choices: live alone in the townhome and be full of peace and contentment or take care of these four kids and do all the things we’re doing now, which is completely tiring and overwhelming.”
1. Realize that you don’t have to do anything.
In reality, these are not the only two choices. There are hundreds of options in between. Lila believes she has to do all the things she does for her family, and that notion creates resentment. The truth is she does not have to do anything.
She can find the place in between her current life and the townhome life by realizing she has lots of options for what to do and what not to do. She doesn’t have to take the kids to story time. They could stay home and watch TV. She doesn’t have to make dinner each night. She doesn’t have to keep the house clean. She certainly doesn’t have to scrapbook.
These things are all optional. There will be different results depending on what she does. If she doesn’t bathe the kids, they will look messier the next day, but that’s fine. Letting go of the have-tos is empowering. It reduces resentment and many times it rejuvenates motivation.
Letting go of the have-tos is empowering.
Becoming aware that “have to” is a lie frees us. We are more in control of our time and schedule than we believe. When we acknowledge that truth, we gain authority over our life. By choosing our daily routine and our tasks consciously, we can curate a life that we welcome and love.
2. Take responsibility for what you want and don’t want.
As Lila makes dinner each night, she usually has a thought like, “I don’t want to do this.” This is a lie. Lila wants to cook dinner. How do we know? Because she is cooking dinner.
When you feel unhappy, it’s easy to fall into self-pity and complain about how much you don’t want to do certain things. This kind of thinking and speaking breeds resentment. Don’t allow your brain to lie to you about what you want. If you are at the baseball game, it is because you want to be the type of mom who goes to the baseball game. You got in the car and drove there; you walked to the bleachers. No one made you do these things.
Recognizing that there is at least some part of you that does want to be there gives you back your power. You are not forced to do anything. The tendency to feel put-upon is natural, but when you manage your mind and acknowledge the truth of the situation, the resentment will dissipate.
Take time to reflect on reasons you do want to be at that place or do that task. You want to cook dinner for your family because you value healthy eating. You want to play with your children because you cherish connection with them. You want to clean the house because you like a clean space and because you want to do something for your husband who does a lot for you. Most of the time, there are reasons you want to do things and reasons you don’t. Identify them both. Live in that gray area that your mind doesn’t like.
Sometimes the truth is that you want to appear to be a certain kind of mom (like one who attends baseball games). There’s nothing wrong with that! That’s a perfectly fine motivation, as long as you acknowledge the fact that you made a decision.
Owning your choices helps you feel more in control of your life. Your brain will stop sending panic signals and instead send up smaller complaints. You still might not love what you’re doing, but you can get through it more easily by remembering that the unpleasantness is temporary and by focusing on the larger goal. Directing your mind away from the bitter and helpless thoughts and toward the reasons you choose to be there helps you enjoy your life more.
As an added bonus, when you embrace that you want to do it and stop resenting the task, your mind has more emotional energy to find a solution you might like better. There are other ways to get the things done that you want to accomplish, strategies that will be more enjoyable for you or relieve you from the duties altogether. But your brain struggles to find those answers when it is filled with the negative emotion of resentment.
3. Be sure to thank yourself.
One sure-fire way that Lila can reduce her resentment is by thanking herself. When she feels put-upon and is tempted to think, “I can’t believe I have to do this. This is so hard and such a pain,” she can switch that to, “Thanks, me, for doing this hard thing. It’s tough to keep going in this situation, but you’re doing it.”
This technique is magical but hardly intuitive. The attraction of self-pity is hard to overcome, and from there we often move into self-criticism (as in, “I should stop feeling sorry for myself and just do it”). Recognizing your own efforts releases both those shackles. When something is hard for you, don’t reproach yourself, congratulate yourself! Life is hard for everyone. Remind yourself of that and acknowledge that it’s okay that it’s hard. You’re doing a great job. Don’t rely on others to appreciate your efforts, do it for yourself.
When something is hard for you, don’t reproach yourself, congratulate yourself!
4. Don’t manage other people’s feelings.
Lila would like it if the kids played more independently, and she had more time to herself. However, when she tries to do her own thing, her children complain and cry for her. She doesn’t want them to be upset, so she acquiesces to their wants. Trying to keep other people happy is a quick road to resentment.
We go to a family event because we suppose it will please our parents; we take on an assignment at work because we don’t want to disappoint our boss; we don’t express our true emotions because we worry we will offend someone. Sometimes these actions are charitable compromises that sit well with us, but often they lead to resentment. When we repeatedly put ourselves last, bitterness builds up. Worse than that — when we do something to please another person, sometimes that person is angry anyway.
It seems like the closer a person is to us, the more we believe we can control them. But of course, we can’t control other people’s thoughts or feelings. When we are afraid of someone having a negative emotion, we act weird and try to manipulate them with our behavior. Our thought is some version of “I have to do this, or he’ll be mad.”
Trying to make someone feel a particular way may work for a minute, but it is a false version of ourselves. It doesn’t lead to real connection, and it often generates sullenness and resentment.
Our best results come from doing what we want to do. I know that sounds self-centered and unkind, but it is true. We are conditioned to worry about people around us and try to keep them happy, but this strategy just isn’t effective. I discuss this topic in depth in my article The Most Underrated Relationship Skill.
When we know our decision or actions will upset someone, we can be compassionate and try to explain ourselves. The philosophy “I love them, and I love me” is helpful. It reminds us that we’re not mad at them for wanting something. We understand that they are human and doing the best they can. And…I have wants and needs too, and I’m going to honor those. When we do this, we are able to continue a healthy relationship with the person over the long term.
Resentment is not a pleasant emotion, and when we let it continue in a slow burn, it causes damage to our relationships. It is up to us to govern our resentment. With mind management, we can find methods to diminish it. We do this in four ways: realize you don’t have to do anything; take responsibility for what you want and don’t want; thank yourself and acknowledge your hard work; and don’t try to manage other people’s feelings.
Try this on: “Thanks, me, for doing this hard thing. It’s tough to keep going in this situation, but you’re doing it.”
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“Disappointment comes in the gap between expectation and reality.”
