Questions that Help with Mind Management, Part 1
The amazing human brain loves to solve a problem. It constantly scans for potential troubles, and then comes up with possible fixes to those problems. Many of the solutions it thinks up are external changes, such as he should not say that, I should have been better in that situation, or maybe I should change jobs/houses/spouses. We are wired to focus on these the types of remedies, but often those solutions aren’t possible.
If we want to be happy regardless of our outside circumstances, we have to investigate and adjust our internal thoughts, feelings, and actions. As I have said before, the mind is like a toddler with a knife. It does not mean to cause harm, but it must be supervised. Our lower brain offers us answers that are sometimes misinformed, and in those cases, we need to engage our higher brain to steer a different path.
Pondering useful questions can be a valuable strategy for managing your mind. If you give your brain questions that are more suitable to creating the life you want, it will strive to find beneficial answers. The following is a list of questions that help get your mind working on ways to improve your life, without changing anyone or anything outside of you.
Who do I want to be?
As previously stated, our mind likes to focus on how other people should change. This question directs our brain to the only thing we can control — ourselves. Other people can and will do whatever they want. The sooner we accept this and move on, the more effective we will be. He’s going to continue to be like that, who do I want to be? How do I want to act?
Making conscious decisions about our thoughts and behavior will make big changes in our relationships. Do I want to be someone who complains repeatedly? Do I want to be someone who finds a solution that works for everyone? Do I want to be someone with curiosity and compassion for others? Do I want to be someone who stands up for myself but also understands that everyone is doing the best they can?
If they are going to keep doing that thing that I don’t like, who do I want to be?
What else is true?
When we’re upset about something, our vision narrows. Our mind literally blocks out other, more positive facets in our environment. The brain gets an idea (such as “She’s so rude”), and then it seeks to find evidence to back up that story. Asking “What else is true?” jars our mind from its mission. This question requires the brain to look around and see the big picture. “She’s so rude,” and what else is true? “She really cares about us.” “She’s so rude,” AND “She’s had a hard time in life.” “She’s so rude,” AND “She is doing her best.” It’s good to recognize that “She’s so rude” is a story our mind made up, but we have to be gentle as we work to loosen the narrative. Asking “What else is true?” is one way to do that.
Acknowledging these other truths about this person doesn’t mean we let them do whatever they want. We can put limits on our interactions with someone, but having negative beliefs about them makes us less effective in our relationships, not more. Again, the brain thinks it’s useful to concentrate on other people’s behavior, but this is where our mind is misinformed.
What if I’m wrong about that?
This is one of the most powerful questions we can use to create the life you want. Every problem is a thought problem. First, we have to identify the painful thought (for example, “This is not how my child’s life is supposed to go”), and then we must be willing to be wrong about that idea. This is quite difficult for humans to do. We have a strong aversion to being wrong.
Many times, our brain would rather be right that help us feel better. We want to hold on to our viewpoint. This is why we can’t go too quickly to the opposite opinion (“My child’s life is going perfectly!”). We need to softly help the mind relax its grip. The question “What if I’m wrong about that?” is a great way to do this. The more we are willing to be wrong, the faster we will make improvements in our lives.
I like to remind myself, “I think I know how my kids’ lives should go, but maybe I don’t. Maybe this is how his life is supposed to go.” Another great line to get things in perspective is “I thought today was going to go one way, but I was wrong about that.” Don’t push yourself to believe something new, just open yourself up to the possibility of the new idea being true. Ease into it.
What would it feel like to believe that nothing should be any different than it is?
This powerful question introduces the concept that maybe nothing has gone wrong. Maybe this is how things were supposed to go. I like the beginning phrase “what would it feel like to believe” because it’s gentle. We’re simply trying on something new, examining the possibility. We’re not forcing anything.
What if nothing has gone wrong?
Here’s another question to suggest that maybe everything is okay. This prompt will help reduce the negative emotion around the situation, and then we can focus on what we want to do next. We will be more successful in finding desirable solutions when we clear away painful feelings.
If I had what I wanted, what would I get to think?
We only want things (changes in our lives, changes in others’ behavior, or improvements in our circumstances) because of how we predict we will feel when that thing happens. The only thing we really want is a positive emotion. Our mind has a lot of theories about what will generate good feelings for us. It doesn’t know (or quickly forgets) that our emotions are always created by our thinking.
The question “If I had what I wanted, what would I get to think?” helps us identify what thoughts we would think if we had the thing we wanted. And then here’s the trick — we can believe any of those things right now! Before we even get the thing, we are allowed to think those thoughts. It’s easier for the brain to believe some ideas after we’ve obtained what we want, but it’s possible to think them, and believe them, before that. There are no thought police making sure our thoughts are “true”. We can think whatever we want.
If I got the promotion, what would I get to think? “I’ve succeeded in my job.” “I’m good at this.” “My hard work has paid off.” “I’m worthy of other people’s praise.” And what would I feel when I thought these things? Proud, happy, content, motivated, gratified. Our minds tell us that we are not allowed to believe those notions until we’ve received the promotion, but our mind is misinformed. If we permit ourselves to ponder these types of ideas before getting the promotion, we’ll create those good feelings in advance, and what’s more, we will act in a way that is more likely to lead to the promotion.
Anytime you are pining over something you want to happen, something you want to attain in life, or something you want someone else to do or say, ask yourself “If I had what I wanted, what would I get to think?” This exercise can generate some useful beliefs that help you to move into positive emotion sooner, which will bring you more success in life.
These and other questions like them can change your outlook on life and your approach to your problems. They help develop more constructive feelings and lead you to favorable outcomes. Part 2 in this series will present five more questions to get your brain working in a constructive direction.
Try this on: “What if I’m wrong about that?”
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“Disappointment comes in the gap between expectation and reality.”
