“The Untethered Soul” and Mind Management
Just as Byron Katie’s work fits seamlessly with mind management, so does the information and descriptions in Michael Singer’s book The Untethered Soul. When I read this book a few years ago, it reinforced the life coaching skills I’d been working on and described them in a fresh new way. I know I am not alone when I say that this book was extremely helpful and enlightening to me.
One of the main goals of mind management is to become aware of our thinking. All problems are thought problems, as we like to say, therefore we can’t address a challenge without first identifying our inner dialogue. Singer agrees with this and suggests that you “must be able to objectively watch your problems instead of being lost in them.” This requires a separation between you and your thoughts.
The untethered soul is one who knows she is not her thoughts or emotions, but the observer of them. Singer encourages us to “notice who is noticing.” Notice who it is thinking the thoughts and feeling the feelings. That being is not you; you are the watcher. To feel better, you don’t have to get rid of the self-talk or the negative emotions, you simply stop being attached to them. They are each just one more thing in the universe. They don’t require any more attention that the trees or houses around you.
Notice who it is thinking the thoughts and feeling the feelings. That being is not you; you are the watcher.
Singer describes self-talk as our “inner roommate.” He explains that we usually try to solve our difficulties with outer solutions, by rearranging external things. But the real problem is the inner roommate and its critical commentary on almost everything in our lives. The inner roommate is the part of our brain that scans for trouble — and often finds it.
If the problem is inside of us, then the solutions are also. We locate them by recognizing the difference between the thoughts and the watcher of the thoughts and then by observing the thoughts from a remove. In this way, we approach them with curiosity and interest. We become less attached to the thoughts and therefore more able to adjust them when needed.
The rest of the book teaches us how to do this — how to “abstract from [our] own melodrama.” Through examples and instructions, Singer helps us identify the difference between the complaining roommate and the essence that observes the roommate. He says that just as you look outside and see objects, if you sit back in the seat of consciousness, you will be able to see thoughts and feelings as something separate from you. You are the observer. You are not a human; you are viewing a human being.
He describes this by using the analogy of watching a movie. When we are absorbed in a good show, we forget everything else in the world. We sometimes have to rouse ourselves from the trance to see that we are actually sitting in a living room, and someone needs our attention.
Likewise, we can get so wrapped up in the show that is our lives, that we forget there is an essence separate from the show — an observer. Focusing deeply on the dramas of our lives causes us to lose perspective. But pulling back and separating ourselves from the story allows us to see the whole picture. We have a different perspective. When we rouse ourselves from the trance, we see that it was all happening to the being we are watching, not to us. This drastically changes our evaluation of the events.
Let’s say you are angry with your child. He has a pattern of lying to you about his whereabouts and you recently caught him doing it again. You are so immersed in your beliefs and feelings that it’s difficult to see anything else. You are in a fog. Your anger clouds your judgement and prevents you from discovering a solution to your challenges. Your mind can only see evidence for its narrative that your child is dishonest and rebellious. This is what it’s like to be absorbed in the movie. You believe that the thing outside of you (your son) needs to change in order for you to feel better. That is the only answer your brain can come up with.
But if you allow yourself to separate from the movie for a moment, to pull back and see what else there is in this situation, you will find a lot more information. You will notice positive behaviors from your son. You will realize that your inner roommate is running the show and giving some pretty bad advice. You will find new and better ways to think about the problem. There’s a whole world out there that you’re missing because you’re caught up in the movie in your mind.
You will realize that your inner roommate is running the show and giving some pretty bad advice.
As we get better at separating from our thoughts and emotions, at sitting back and observing them instead of permitting them be our sole guide, we will be better able to permit them to pass through us. Singer says that our approach to perception should work like this: “take things in, allow the experience of them, and then let them pass through you.” When we do this, we are ready for the next moment. We are able to be fully present for each new occurrence. The opposite of this is keeping the incident inside. If it gets stuck somewhere and doesn’t pass through, it blocks and colors subsequent moments.
Here is an example of this. Staci had a rough night. The kids didn’t like dinner and complained that they were hungry ten minutes after she did the dishes. They were grumpy during their baths, arguing and hitting each other. She finally got so tired of their behavior that she snapped. She yelled at them to get out of the bath and get to bed.
Later in the night she regretted losing her temper. She told herself she should have been more patient. This is the moment where she gets stuck. She resists reality when she thinks “I shouldn’t have done that.” She should have acted that way because she did. Believing anything else is arguing with reality and only causes pain.
But she doesn’t like the way she acted and felt in that moment, so she hangs onto it, ruminating about how it was bad and wrong, reviewing what she should have done instead. She is distracted by these thoughts and not able to let the current moment in. She could be talking to her husband or enjoying a TV show, but she can’t do that because she is not fully present. She is blocked by her self-criticism.
Staci can become more present by allowing all of it pass through her. She can acknowledge, “Yes, I did yell at the kids, and that’s okay. I’m not expected to be perfect.” Having self-compassion is key to permitting experiences to pass through us. When her brain says, “You didn’t do that right!” she can let that pass through also. She can reply to her mind, “Thanks, brain, but it’s fine. I’m 50% an amazing mother and 50% a terrible mother, and I always will be, as is every human. That’s just the way of it.”
We suppose it’s useful to hold onto the regrettable moment and go over all the ways we could’ve done better. But in truth, this is a self-indulgent use of time, not effective or productive. When we forgive ourselves immediately and move on, we release whatever thought or negative emotion our brain produced. We watch it float away, letting go of our attachment to it, moment after moment, as many times as necessary.
In mind management, we observe our thoughts and then question them. We learn how to liberate the painful stories our brain generated. Singer calls the original beliefs our mental model and suggests that if that model is not working for us (not giving us the result we desire), we have to “take the risk of not believing in it.” Here is how he puts it:
“Our minds cannot handle the infinite, so we create an alternate reality of finite thoughts. We take the whole, break it into pieces, and select a handful of these pieces to be put together in a certain way within our mind. This mental model becomes our reality, and we have to constantly struggle to make the world fit our model and label things that don’t fit as bad, wrong, or unfair.
“If you want to go beyond your model, you have to take the risk of not believing in it. If your mental model is bothering you, it’s because it doesn’t incorporate reality. Your choice is to either resist reality or go beyond the limits of your model.”
Whether your story is that you aren’t good enough in some way, that other people aren’t behaving how they should, or that some aspect of your life isn’t right, holding on to that narrative only causes you pain. In The Untethered Soul, you learn how to release those stories and relax your heart. You learn to notice what is happening inside instead of reacting to it. You learn to how to turn inward to solve your problems instead of hoping people and things outside of you will change.
The book talks about keeping your heart open. Whenever you believe that something is wrong, your heart closes. Singer says, “You have to let go of the part that thinks there’s a reason not to be happy. You have to transcend the personal. You gain nothing by being bothered by life events. It doesn’t change the world; You just suffer.”
Singer has a powerful and intriguing way of revealing how we can feel better. Of course, I can’t tell you all the insightful parts of the book in this one article. But I will end with one of my favorite quotes from the book, one that comes from a chapter called “Contemplating Death.” This line is a wonderful reminder to allow whatever comes into your life to enter and pass through you: “What gives life meaning is not any particular event, but the willingness to live whatever comes your way.”
I try to remember this concept when life surprises me, taking twists and turns that I didn’t expect and didn’t want. In that same chapter, Singer reminds us to make the most of this one life we have: “Life exists with or without you. It has been going on for billions of years. You simply get the honor of seeing a tiny slice of it. If you’re busy trying to get something else, you will miss the slice you’re actually experiencing. You should be experiencing the life that’s happening to you, not the one you wish was happening.”
The Untethered Soul is a wonderful supplement to your mind management studies and efforts. Singer’s descriptions of the ideas our brain generates and gets attached to are instructive and beneficial. His is an accurate depiction of the human experience and a guide to how to get the most out of life. Separating from our thoughts and feelings by noticing who is noticing allows them to pass through us. It also gives us space to adjust our perceptions to produce more positive emotion. We can keep our hearts open and be willing to face whatever comes our way.
Try this on: “What gives life meaning is not any particular event, but the willingness to live whatever comes your way.”
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