Adhivāsanā: Day Seven — Dissolution
“For the rest of the afternoon, I was able to immerse isolated parts of myself, sometimes all but my ears, into the pool again. Yet I never experienced it on the same scale.”
That morning I took Van’s words to heart and established a functional yet still reasonable seat upon my mat. Other students still seemed to find solace in sometimes-comical battlestations of furniture, and I questioned whether I should seek absolute comfort in the interest of maximizing my practice. I found a suitable configuration and set about my work, diligently working my way through the morning.
After the first group sit, I was determined to continue exploring what my new seating situation could afford me. I continued to sit through the free period for what felt like a long time. I worked through each part diligently.
As I worked my way through my right forearm for the second full pass, I suddenly noticed that my body had become fully enveloped in reverberations of effervescence.
I could still focus awareness on parts of my body with great difficulty. My ears were filled with the sound of subatomic resonance – an all-encompassing, pleasantly deafening sound of static, of being immersed in champagne. I could sense the individual atoms of my body beginning to diffuse into the surrounding air, the space between each of them growing exponentially, as if I were a drop of ink diffusing through spring water.
I opened my eyes and looked around in astonishment but remained stock still, and tangible physical sensation rushed back into my body, as if my atoms were urged to reform their bonds.
I stood up as calmly as possible and stepped outside, reveling in the reverberations that still permeated my body, basking in what I can only describe as pure ecstasy. I went back to my quarters and walked around in indecisive circles for a while, then laid down on my mattress and immediately fell into a deep sleep.
The lunch bell drew me out of this ecstatic coma and although I had only lain down for a few minutes, I was almost consumed by my mattress and the deep peace and bliss I continued to experience.
The bliss persisted through lunch and I signed up for a last-minute interview with Van, and queried him about the sensation. He described it as bhanga — ‘dissolution.’ He also cautioned me to not hold onto the feeling, lest it affect the equanimity of my practice.
For the rest of the afternoon, I was able to immerse isolated parts of myself, sometimes all but my ears, into the pool again. Yet I never experienced it on the same scale. The sound of subtle subatomic resonance would persist behind my ears for the rest of my practice.
I’ve wallowed in deep pools of blissful ignorance in hospitals many times, sedated by carefully monitored combinations of fentanyl, benzodiazepines and nitrous oxide.
This was different. The most mind-bending, life-changing sensations and perceptions I’d experienced before this felt dirty in comparison.
The purity and clarity of mind produced from within were astounding.
Many years ago I had started to wonder if it was possible to derive bliss and understanding from within, sans intoxicants of any sort.
On the seventh day, I got my answer.
That night, another storm started to brew. Sheets of lightning danced off in the distance. Unable to sleep, I let myself be tempted and took my dSLR out of the depths of my bag. I stepped outside for a furtive moment, set up some guerilla long exposures using a chair leg as a tripod, and returned to my quarters around 1AM.
