Are You Confused About Spanking?
I see posts on social media which herald “the good ol’ days” when children respected their elders and feared their parents. Many in my generation or older laugh at the retelling of stories of running from their parents or the different items that were used to punish them.
I know some people truly believe that the spanking they got as children have helped to shape them into responsible and respectful adults. But do they really? REALLY? I think a part of me use to believe this, because we are told to believe it … but then I gave it some thought.
What are children actually learning from spankings and physical discipline?
I can firmly say that children DO learn from spankings, but not what you were hoping for:
- They learn fear: Not the fear that people like to think keeps children from making mistakes or acting out, but real physiological fear. Fear that is felt by the brain and hormonal system, that floods the brain with toxic cortisol, if experienced repetitively. The kind of fear that changes the person they will become and how they will react to stressful situations in the future.
- They learn unpredictability: They learn that the person(s) who they trust to protect and support them can be unpredictable. They learn that love can be unpredictable and irrational — a spanking is NOT a logical consequence a child, until you have taught them to expect it.
- They learn to “grin and bear it”: They learn that another person determines how to respond to their actions. This includes them being a passive recipient of punishment, rather than requiring them to learn, improve and grow. The adult determines when and what deserves punishment and how that punishment will be provided; the child does not need to do anything but get through it.
- They learn that consequences are unconnected to actions: Spanking is NOT a logical consequence (I know I have repeated myself)! A logical consequence is directly related to unacceptable behaviour, for example, you do not clean up your toys so you lose access to your toys; or you pulled your sister’s hair so you must play alone for a little while. Instead, spanking teaches that consequences are largely out of the child’s hands and not a direct result of an action.
- They learn that hitting others is okay: This one is pretty self-explanatory.
So why do people continue to advocate for and celebrate physical discipline, if it doesn’t work?
- People do what they know: Parenting is primarily guided by what we have experienced ourselves. We tend to repeat much of how we have been parented, both intentionally and unintentionally. This may also be intertwined with culture, religion, and identity, thus creating a deepened connection to this practice.
- People don’t want to point fingers at themselves or their parents: The “I survived it” mentality seems to permeate this discussion, as does the “I am better because of it” ideology. Though I doubt many people could actually thank spankings for their success in a prolonged discussion.
- Not knowing what else to do: The majority of parents who I have spoken to who use spanking confess that they don’t know how else to help their child. Most are really trying to help teach their children, they just don’t have any other tools or techniques to guide their behaviour effectively. Spanking becomes the fallback plan — it’s all they know.
- View of the child: The ways in which parents understand their own child, knowledge of what is normal/healthy at different stages of child development, and attributions places on a child (i.e. a “bad” child or “trying to make me upset”) can also impact the ways in which a parent chooses to punish their child.
- Emotional state of the parent: Parents may feel angry, frustrated, humiliated, confused, and a variety of other emotions when their children act in ways they did not expect or wish for. Spanking can feel like a release for the parent in the moment, especially if they don’t know what else to do.
At it’s core, spanking is confusing, ineffective and damaging for everyone. If you have been spanked, I encourage you to think back to a time you can remember. Reflect on how you felt, what actions caused it, and how you remember feeling about your parent.
Spanking or some form of physical punishment was common in my generation, though not nearly as much so as previous generations. Nonetheless, I can remember moments of fear — I do not remember what I did or why it happened, I just remember not really understanding and being mad that it was not fair at all — and it wasn’t. I love my parents and they did the best they knew how, but in those few rare moments, they messed up.
We grow, we learn and we improve — let’s ensure future generations don’t have any memories of physical punishment. My hope is that we can get from “rarely” to “never”. In the meantime, I encourage you to not glorify the act of spanking or “putting fear” into children.
That isn’t why you are successful — you are successful DESPITE spankings, not BECAUSE of spankings — that is just your skewed-nostalgia tricking you. Every time you credit the “good old days” and undermine all the other influences that helped you become the amazing person you are today, you mislead a new generation of parents on how to effectively discipline and guide their children.
Spanking is not effective.
Spanking hurts mentally, emotionally, and physiologically.
Spanking leaves lasting marks on a child.
I encourage you to instead suggest positive behaviour guidance techniques:
