Worst Dedicated Fan Base Tournament 2018: Introduction And Round 1 Results
FIRST: WHY DID YOU DO THIS
Absolutely no reason at all, other than what was intended as a small-scale extension of my brand of hating every living person. Originally when I posted the tweet at 2:11pm on Friday August 24th, I imagined that a few of my friends would interact, if at all, and it would be a fun stupid bit. Amazingly, unlike any of my content before, it picked up steam (aided by write-ups from Vice and The AV Club.)
Truly I was not expecting this level of engagement or sincerity.
This “tournament” has no real results, none of it matters, and I made it on Microsoft Word for free.
SECOND: HOW DOES VOTING WORK
One’s method of voting, I believe, should be left up to their own interpretation of “worst.”
Perhaps you hate a particular fan base for a specific reason (ie: your ex always tried to shove ‘Dr. Strangelove’ down your throat, or your high school bully is always posting Breaking Bad memes on Facebook and seriously fuck that guy) and you just go with your gut.
But then there’s also the consideration of which group is more likely to contain a greater number of toxic/trash people. A hypothetical matchup that pins Minions fans against Woody Allen fans essentially asks the voter to choose between annoying suburban parents who wear t-shirts about drinking wine and pseudo-liberals who throw their support behind a child molester.
Some of these fandoms become violent against the ingnorant or opposing, whereas others simply annoy the living fuck out of you with their mere presence.
But again, I humbly request that you refer to the bottom line which is that none of this means anything. Vote for whoever you just think is worse collectively.
THIRD: WHERE TF IS ‘STAR WARS’
Fire rained down on me from all sides for this egregious exclusion. Here is why ‘Star Wars’ fandom was excluded: I forgot about it. THAT IS THE ONLY REASON. While making this document I had to move around a lot of pieces, and I had isolated Star Wars as a top competitor, moved it off to the side to place later, and forgot it was off to the side. I actually thought I had a missing slot which I filled with the final low seed addition of Last Podcast On The Left. So call it poor proofreading.
Get over it!!!
I thought no one would give a shit about this thing. Besides, would this have even been entertaining if the end goal was just to remind the world how terrible rabid Star Wars fans can be?
The point here is: Critique my method all you want, but I didn’t see any of you wasting your time and energy making a visual representation of your universal misanthropy just to get called ‘the devil’ by random internet people!
Anyway, here are a few more teams that just barely missed the cut:
FOURTH: WTF DO YOU HATE EVERYBODY
I mean, yes, but techinically I do belong to all of these groups:
Disney (more of a World than a Land fan myself,) Harry Potter (went to a themed bar crawl last week,) The Office (poster in my room,) Arrested Development (poster in my room,) Survivor (attended cast premiere parties,) Pokemon (play Blue on the bus to work,) and Parks & Rec (in the midst of yet another rewatch.)
I also love Rick & Morty but would never dare to associate with its fandom.
So chill out and learn to self-loathe. Option B: don’t participate!
ABOUT THE COMPETITORS
DISNEY: Sure, a large portion of this group will always be children (who, admittedly, I also do not like) but a seemingly equally large portion of it is obsessive childish adults who will accept no glaring flaw.
HAMILTON: You’d think this would be a diverse group given the casting, writer, and musical style, but as it is still Broadway the group is largely annoying theater nerds (the kind who sang on the bus but never in a fun way always in a way where you could tell they were really trying to sound good,) upper-middle class white women who declare themselves ‘woke’ and of course, privileged gays.
DC COMICS: A hearty stew of lonely bitter nerds with an aftertaste of toxic masculinity. See also: Zach Snyder fans.
PEWDIEPIE: There’s likely something fundamentally wrong with your personality if you actively support an annoying-voiced Nazi-humor gamer. His fanbase is literally called ‘The Bro Army.’ He has 65.5 million YouTube subscribers, and his videos average 12 minutes. Just trying to wrap my head around the collective wasted time makes me nauseous.
GILMORE GIRLS: White women in their 20s-30s who think watching a show about mother and daughter best friends who speak very quickly counts as a personality. Definitely all expected to be engaged by 23 and knew how many kids they wanted as soon as they got their periods.
HARRY POTTER: To this group, ‘Harry Potter’ is the literature gold standard. Everything that happens in the world begets an HP comparison. Interestingly enough, it spans many generations despite its release timeline, and is virtually impossible to avoid in almost any situtation. It’s one of the most pervasive piece of pop culture in the past several decades and yet very few Potterheads seemed to have burnt out. THESE PEOPLE ARE OBSESSED.
GAME OF THRONES: Like LOTR fans but snobbier and more widely accepted because hey, they can afford HBO. Nerds with higher social capital, which unfortunately allows them more opportunities to voice their obsessions with a fantasy series about rape & incest. Most haven’t even read the books.
EDM: Wealthy (or else irresponsible) enough to spend hundreds every month or so on festival tickets, on the whole not wise enough to drink water when they’re rolling face in a dense crowd in 100 degree weather. Mostly under 35, because that’s probably when the hearing loss becomes permanent. Somehow consider neon nipple pasties and furry boots “attire.”
WTF W/ MARC MARON: Ah yes, a comedic interview podcast. Groundbreaking! At least, according to these middle to upper middle class white liberals who think it’s so “raw.” These fans all generally believe themselves to be good people but would totally cross the street if a black guy got too close to them. At least Maron is pretty good at preaching to his choir.
MARVEL: With near constant blockbusters films this decade, this group has become far too mainstream to stand a real chance taking the tournament. The worst part is they actually want even more of these terrible PUNCH WHACK KAPOW high-grossing garbage films with handsome Chrises.
STEVEN UNIVERSE: Hard to believe that fans of a light-hearted animated Cartoon Network show would bully someone to suicide over their “whitewashed fat-shaming” fan art, but PC culture turns extremely toxic with this fandom for some reason.
JOE ROGAN: Honestly I could never see this guy as anyone other than the ‘Fear Factor’ host, but his podcast ‘The Joe Rogan Experience’ is extremely popular with conspiracy-theory loving racists! And, I suppose, UFC lovers?
JUDD APATOW: Boring bros who call ‘The Forty Year Old Virgin’ a classic and still can’t believe ‘Freaks And Geeks’ was only one season!! Most likely pothead late-bloomers.
THE OFFICE: While The Office remains an incredible show, it’s fandom has been diluted over the years, due partially to Netflix removing any other decent sitcom. The oversaturation of references in daily life is really what ruins it.
THE BACHELOR[ETTE]: People (largely women) who are overly obsessed with a reality show that, at its best, is a bunch of hot star-fuckers being cool with simultaneously dating the same person because that person is someone they have seen on TV. And also they’re drunk.
BEYONCE: The Bey-hive worships their flawless queen goddess destroyer of worlds Beyonce and will turn violent towards anyone who even dares to think otherwise. When a new album drops, the rest of us are forced underground.
THIS AMERICAN LIFE: Primarily boring white liberals whose opinions are largely regurgitations, skewing upper middle class. Probably also enjoy ‘The Borowitz Report.’
TARANTINO: What could possibly be wrong with people who are diehard fans of the white guy who loves violence and using the N word? Mostly overgrown manchildren you’d totally believe if you heard they hit their girlfriend.
ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT: A classic case of a highly underrated and hilarious show becoming appreciated many years after its untimely cancelation, and then too many more hopped on the bandwagon, and then that bandwagon careened into oncoming traffic after Jeffrey Tambor’s hostility towards women and trans abuse surfaced (and after he was defended by several of the show’s male cast members.)
MINECRAFT: Honestly mostly children, but obsessive children. Generally just a group of people who let Minecraft get in the way of their daily living and are fine with that.
POD SAVE AMERICA: The self-proclaimed politically savvy fans of this podcast run by former [all male] Obama staffers would LOVE to debate you, whether you asked for it or not.
SUPER MARIO: Rabid and always demanding more of Nintendo, yet never fully satisfied. Probably the type to repeat a joke louder assuming no one heard it the first time.
WES ANDERSON: This director’s films are a white hipster’s delight! Probably a whole heap of film majors in here which always implies some degree of privilege. Love local bands, thrift stores, and cold brew.
PHISH: Just imagine a tall long-haired white dude with red glossy eyes and a t-shirt with the sleeves cut off and you’ve pretty much got the gist. The diehard fans will attend like, 15 5-hour concerts a year.
THE KARDASHIANS: This fucking group of people is responsible for that Forbes magazine cover that called Kylie Jenner a “self-made billionaire.” So, fuck them. (Boring women everywhere who spend more on makeup & skincare products than they do on rent.)
DUNGEONS & DRAGONS: This unbelievably extensive and time consuming board/card game is one of the most nerdiest pasttimes you can enjoy, but part of you has to have a soft spot for these passionate people who grew up bullied.
CALL OF DUTY: They’re gamers, so you get everything that comes with that (homophobia, rape jokes, threats of violence, etc.,) although relatively self-contained.
DOCTOR WHO: This lil’ quirky group has been around since the 70s, so that probably doesn’t make them the strongest contender despite the show still airing with a first ever FEMALE DOCTOR (gasp) which spurred a small amount of controversy but a larger backlash to the original backlash.
BREAKING BAD: These fans believe Breaking Bad is high TV art living amongst garbage. They will insist you have to watch it. Even if you express that you have tried. You are wrong. Breaking Bad.
RICK & MORTY: This one will immediately strike a nerve with many this year after fans of the Cartoon Network show harrassed the show’s female writers and lost their shit on minimum wage employees when McDonald’s ran out of Szechuan sauce. Sadly these needledicks who somehow think they’re a superior breed have ruined the first good STEM-conscious animated comedy since Futurama for everybody else.
NOLAN BROTHERS: It’s unclear why this group dedicated to the sibling directing duo is angry enough to threaten film critics, but sadly that’s what we’ve got here.
BIG BANG THEORY: Mostly out of touch olds, given that the show airs on CBS (multi-cam with laugh track!) Their potential to win it would be based purely on disdain for the show itself.
MINIONS: Suburban mothers who love wine and margaritas and regularly share aggregated news links from a radio station’s Facebook page. People who emphasize “family values” but don’t seem to care that much about human rights on the whole. Teens who think they’re old enough to love Minions both genuinely and ironically. Kids. It’s… it’s all just a hodgepodge of horrible.
THE SIMPSONS: In the 90s this was considered a trashy crew as the nation had not yet embraced adult animation, but once people realized how brilliant the show truly is the fans became more respected. Now Simpsons screenshots are just auto-reply commentary to current events.
POKEMON: This one might have stood more of a chance 10 years ago, but unfortunately it’s reached t-shirts sold at Target level. The most mainstream of video games, revitalized in a whole new way with Pokemon Go. While obsessive, primarily harmless when they’re not chasing Articunos into traffic.
TIM BURTON: The director’s aesthetic lends itself to a goth, artsy, quirky, manic-pixie-dreamgirl fandom but at this point his brand is basically Hot Topic.
STANLEY KUBRICK: So deep. So much more thoughtful than you. Condescension is to these people as spinach is to Popeye. These are the pick-apart kings.
FINAL FANTASY: For a “fandom,” these people are always looking for reasons to go off. Just a mess of childish ticking time bombs.
KANYE: Because his music is generally pretty good, most people were onboard with Kanye’s antics through “George Bush doesn’t care about black people” to “Imma let you finish,” but I think “slavery was a choice” made his continued stans unbearable.
THE ROOM: Still having rowdy and highly regular midnight screenings of a terrible film from 15 years ago. Ironic enjoyment should run its course at a point.
WWE: These fans are the kings of heckling and physical assaults. Generally just very loud and hateful.
JAMES BOND: Primarily an older-skewing group of men, this group gained infamy after the author called Idris Elba “too street” to play Bond. Hm… are we still on board with racism watch dog or..?
TIM & ERIC: In general, people who love “alt comedy” tend to think it’s because they see things others do not and are thus superior.
REAL HOUSEWIVES: Huge overlap here with the Kardashians fanbase. Hard to excuse the amount of mind-numbing trash that continuously thrills these people.
SONIC (THE HEDGEHOG): Infighting nation baby! Everyone in this fandom hates the other members of the group. Not to mention the notoriously bizarre fan art.
SUPERNATURAL: Who can blame these fans for their beyond obsessive behaviors when they’re reinforced by the 2005 show STILL BEING ON. It’s a Tumblr girl’s paradise.
RADIOHEAD: Another fun mix of self-important intellectuals who love to sneer down at the unwashed (meaning people who enjoy other music.)
CHAPO TRAP HOUSE: More of the eyes-always-rolled-back-in-their-head political pod lover crowd. Hardcore regurgitators that claim to be sincere. Snide pessimists who love Weird Twitter.
DRAKE: Hits on hits aside, a lot of controversy surrounded Drake this year with the Pusha T feud and love-child drama. His stans who consider his music the highest of high art sure do love their rose-colored glasses. That said, the guy donated a ton of money to people in need, so you gotta get on board with that.
WOODY ALLEN: Sarcasm and stubbornness aside, fans of the director continue to support a pedophile and abuser so heinous his own son guest wrote a Hollywood Reporter column about it.
STEPHEN KING: We get it, Stephen King is the best author in the history of the Universe (excluding God.) Though this brand generally extends to horror nerds at large, geeks who are primarily quiet but you can always sense something brewing within them.
LAST PODCAST ON THE LEFT: Craft beer drinkers, plaid wearers… The educated hipster loves this podcast. A comedy-horror blend lends itself to such a demographic.
CUM TOWN: Vulgarity for the sake of vulgarity, gay jokes, jokes at women’s expense…. all the good stuff. The dirtbag left is extremely online.
CHRIS HARDWICK: These people, who have absolutely no evidence or real reason to, insist on aggressively defending the vanilla, totally interchangeable abuser. Maybe… @Midnight had such a huge impact on their lives??
BROAD CITY: YAS KWEEN! Jewish women who don’t shave their pits and feisty gays who went to urban colleges are all over this comedy that they believe liberates women! Love to talk about masturbating.
THE AMERICANS: Basically the generation that arose in Breaking Bad’s wake (“It’s the best show on television!”)
ELON MUSK: To these insane fans, Elon Musk is their masculine technologic messiah, sent to bring them into a new era. Yeah, the same guy that called a hero a pedophile. They will defend their billionaire Lord to the death.
STAR TREK: Despite new Star Trek films in recent years, Trekkies are largely under the radar these days. Live long yet don’t prosper.
SMOSH: Honestly just see: fans of Youtube “celebrities” at large and that pretty much covers it. Annoying youths, people who probably never put their phones down (even when the family plan is out of monthly data) and are members of multiple meme or shitposting Facebook groups (but probably too young to even be on Facebook.)
SHONDA RIMES: Though passionate, on the whole this group of primarily women is harmless in their fandom.
FORTNITE: The worst thing about this group is how often they pick fights with each other. Also: there are Fortnite dance classes. Like, real ones that you pay for.
PARKS & RECREATION: Another relatively low seed. More of a constant re-watching crowd, passionate but afraid to step outside boundaries. Not to mention the show was an NBC comedy (though fantastic nonetheless.)
LORD OF THE RINGS: This group of peak nerdery would have stood a much better chance during the Lord Of The Rings movies because no one was really that attached to the Hobbit films.
ROUND 1 MATCHUP RESULTS: LEFT SIDE
DISNEY vs. HAMILTON
Right out of the gate we have one of the most difficult and closest matchups. Hamilton fans, the more specific demographic of the two barely squeaks by here with a 1.6% lead.
DC COMICS vs. PEWDIEPIE
This one seemed like a no-brainer to most. Both largely comprised of men who love to call women c*nts online, but at the very least you can call the comics and movies entertainment.
GILMORE GIRLS vs. HARRY POTTER
Girlmore Girls fans may be dull and basic as hell but they’re far tamer and fewer than the Rowling hoarde. Easy choice for most as Harry Potter dominates by about 55%.
GAME OF THRONES vs. EDM
This one was another extremely close call. Personally I was desperate for the Game Of Thrones fandom that has plagued me (yes, I have tried to watch it and yes, I also attempted to read the book I don’t like it) to get the roast it deserves, but clearly more people find the wait for the drop-ers more insufferable. Fair, I guess.
WTF W/ MARC MARON vs. MARVEL
Yeah, it’s much easier to avoid a pretentious WTFer than any Marvel addict. There’s a clear winner, no surprises.
STEVEN UNIVERSE vs. JOE ROGAN
While it is shocking that Steven Universe fans would get knocked out in Round 1, they just couldn’t get close to Joe Rogan fans.
JUDD APATOW vs. THE OFFICE
I imagine the levels of dedication are pretty different here, so The Office comes out on top in this match up.
THE BACHELOR[ETTE] vs. BEYONCE
These two groups overlap significantly when it comes to basic bitches, so this was a tough match up. Shockingly Beyonce lost to Bachelor[ette] lovers, but only by about 7%.
THIS AMERICAN LIFE vs. TARANTINO
Deep-seated violent tendencies clearly wins this one over stuffy whities. Tarantino takes the game by about 43%.
ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT vs. MINECRAFT
I mean, this is a 2018 competition, not a 2012 competition. Minecraft blows Arrested away.
POD SAVE AMERICA vs. SUPER MARIO
Not really too surprised by this outcome. The politically ravenous are viewed worse than needy fans of an old video game character.
WES ANDERSON vs. PHISH
Another clash of the Titans, two groups of annoying lanky whites! Phish fandom seems to be more universally disliked however, by a little under 4 percent.
THE KARDASHIANS vs. Dungeons & Dragons
The D&D nerds are far too quiet and harmless to ever beat a top competitor like The Kardashians. Come on.
CALL OF DUTY vs. DOCTOR WHO
This result was largely to be expected and quirk trumps pure dick here, with COD losing to Doctor Who by 12%.
BREAKING BAD vs. RICK AND MORTY
Yes, Breaking Bad diehards who insist it was the finest art to ever grace the small screen can be insufferable, but look who they’re up against. No-brainer.
NOLAN BROTHERS vs. SURVIVOR
Survivor fans tend to seek out their own more often than they try to force it upon you. Win Nolans, but only by 7%.
ROUND 1 MATCH UP RESULTS: RIGHT SIDE
BIG BANG THEORY vs. MINIONS
Truly I expected Minions to come out on top here, and I was way off. Landslide victory for BBT crowd.
THE SIMPSONS vs. POKEMON
Another suprisingly close match, but Pokemon came out on top by 7%. Just because The Simpsons is still on, doesn’t mean it’s in everyone’s faces all the time like the gotta-catch-em-alls.
TIM BURTON vs. STANLEY KUBRICK
As someone who has been personally victimized by Kubrick fans, I’m bummed that Burton lovers were such clear winners here.
FINAL FANTASY vs. KANYE
Yeezy’s far greater prevalence in mainstream culture makes his fans the obvious choice.
THE ROOM vs. WWE
A much smaller and less vocal population loses by close to 20% in this match, with WWE fans coming out on top.
JAMES BOND vs. TIM & ERIC
James Bond probably fared well here due to the recency of the Idris Elba controversy. It won by around 9%.
REAL HOUSEWIVES vs. SONIC
Considering how toxic Sonic fans can be, I was surprised the race wasn’t closer in this match. Real Housewives fans seem to be more inexcusable here.
SUPERNATURAL vs. RADIOHEAD
#SPN can’t be knocked out so easily in Round 1, even if paired with Radiohead.
CHAPO TRAP HOUSE vs. DRAKE
This one was also a pretty close race. Ultimately Drake’s larger reach brought his fandom out on top by about 7%.
WOODY ALLEN vs. STEPHEN KING
Look, Stephen King is a reformed drug addict with talent and an outstanding work ethic, not a child molester. A 60% domination by Woody Allen supporters.
LAST PODCAST ON THE LEFT vs. CUM TOWN
A lot of participants had never heard of Cum Town, so I guess we’ll never really know if the votes were for that reason or for legitimate dislike.
CHRIS HARDWICK vs. BROAD CITY
Broad City has its moments, Chris Hardwick has never. Point Hardwick.
THE AMERICANS vs. ELON MUSK
Though those who love it are pretty vocal about it, there just aren’t enough ‘Americans’ fans, nor could they even come within a mile of the toxic sludge that is Elon Musk fandom.
STAR TREK vs. SMOSH
Star Trek is a competitor that would have been much more of a contender in a past year. Smosh takes the match, though only by about 17%.
SHONDA RIMES vs. FORTNITE
A real harmless vs. hostile pairing. Frankly 17.2% for Shondaland is shocking (or I have a lot to learn.)
PARKS & REC vs. LOTR
Though the fans may bow to the Parks & Rec false God, it’s not very likely they could fare well against Lord Of The Rings. The small disparity in percentages here surprised me: LOTR beat Parks & Rec by about 12%.
I hope we’ve all learned something from this data. But also: I don’t really care :)
For the rest of the results, go here.