A-Z of Emotions : C for Clumsy
I know what you are thinking. You see ‘clumsy’ and you are expecting tales of being accident-prone or falling on flat surfaces or injuring myself all the time. I ain’t all that. I am (socially) clumsy around a special group of people: pretty girls I am interested in.
I grew up an awkward child. Hello, my name is Nilabjo. You heard of this name before? Nope? That explains why nobody could pronounce it, even in India. Though I was blessed with great parents and talents for the arts, I was always short in the confidence department, especially around girls. I never learnt how to be ‘smooth’ or be a ‘peacock’ around them. Every time I did try to fake it, the results were embarrassing, and something I can only laugh about now because my dad’s insurance covered my psychotherapy. I am joking. It only covered eye and dental.
You are a loser around girls. This should be fun
Clumsy Me : The Younger Years
The earliest example of my clumsiness dates back to 2000 at middle school in Korba, a small town in India where I grew up. I was 12, and madly in love with, let’s call her, Vanhi. She was the daughter of the English teacher, Mrs Devangi, at the school. Vanhi was the bomb: she was smart, had gorgeous green eyes (unusual for Indians), and had no acne. The first time I saw her, she was in the teacher’s room talking to Mrs Devangi (her mom) and I kept staring at her, like they do it in the movies. I could hear a woman’s voice in the distance. It sounded familiar. It was Mrs Devangi.
“Nilabjo, helloooooo. What can I help you with?”
“Sorry, Madam, I .. was.. distracted”
Vanhi chuckled and ran away. That was a great first impression. What followed was 2 years of scheming accidental encounters in the hallway with help from my best friends Priti & Sanjana, arranging private tutoring with Mrs Devangi so I could have glimpses of her, and other attempts to get her to notice me.
Why didn’t you just talk to her?
I tried once. It was my last chance before I left. I walked up to her at recess in the playground.
N: “Hi Vanhi, I am Nilabjo”.
V: “I know who you are silly.”.
N: “ You do..hahaha that’s funny. I …”
Awkward silence
My mouth was running out of saliva, and my stomach was not helping either. I had drunk too much milk in the morning with my cereal. Milk always made me gassy.
N: “I wanted to say … I really …”
Instead of words, a loud fart came out. I couldn’t believe it. I was paralyzed at that moment. What could I do? Had anyone else noticed? Had she noticed? It was a loud playground. Maybe she hadn’t heard. She was doing her best to hold her laugh. She had noticed. There was a circle forming around me. They had all noticed. I needed to run NOW.
Clumsy Me : The Adult Years
Fast forward to the fall of 2014. I was on the Tinder wagon, and had matched with a certain Laura. She was a gorgeous redhead, going to a local college working on her Arts degree and liked my style of music.
We had gone out on couple of dates. There were some sparks, but I hadn’t made any moves yet. Not even a first kiss. That was going to change. I had gotten us tickets to Young The Giant SOLD OUT show at Mod Club in Toronto. Not too bad for a third date, right? We both loved the band.
“That was fucking awesome Joe. They are such a ..”
Laura kept going on about them after the show. I was too distracted to listen, as I was planning the moves for our first kiss in my head. We were in her house. She had invited me in. Things were going better than planned. Perhaps it was going to more than just a kiss. A full on make out session?
“You know what I really want to watch right now?”, she said on her way to the couch.
“What’s that?”
“Monty Python videos!”
That was random. We began watching ‘The Ministry of Silly Walks’ on my phone. My phone screen was small, so conveniently, I got close to her. We couldn’t stop laughing. As the video came to an end, there was a silence in the room. This was my chance. We were sitting side by side in her apartment on her couch. The scene couldn’t have been more ideal. I made the move with my lips..
And nothing. I got nothing back. It was as if my lips were kissing a wall. I thought it was going to be the perfect moment. Laura didn’t agree. The silence was deafening.
“I think I’m gonna go”, was all I could muster up.
I was embarassed. I didn’t even make eye contact with her as I was putting on my shoes. We never saw each other again.
I am not a smooth criminal, when it comes to the ladies. And I will never be. It is not part of my DNA. I have been in great relationships, and have dated women despite my awkwardness. It has somehow become part of my ‘charm’. This clumsiness will bring all the girls to the yard.
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