“3 Clever Strategies for Winning Arguments without Losing Your Cool”
“Cool is the new swag.”
I have always been cool, calm and collected. I have always been the fun go-lucky one. I have always been the voice of reason. Until I am not. You will hear me roar like nothing you have seen. I just lose IT!
How can this be when I hate noise? Hate yelling? Why was the struggle to not lose it so hard for me?
I grew up in a home of tension. I have suffered at the hands of an abuser that would yell until I cowered in a corner and they never apologized for it because, that is how my voice is. We yell in our family.
I needed a way to communicate without losing it anymore. In my head, I want to be ‘together’. In my living quarters, I like it quiet too.
To expect change from others and also maintain to maintain a hard boundary around people screaming, I decided to work on me first. I am seeing great gains in really keeping my cool in tensed situations.
There are small exercises like:
Drink water and hold it in your tongue
Walk away from the situation
Going, “la la la la la” rather than engaging
But,
What actually works is a mindset shift around arguments.
Arguments are part and parcel of life. We agree. We disagree. What we do not do is- lose our swaggerliciousness cos someone said their black cat is cuter than your white cat.
So, here are 3 strategies to help us keep our cool rather than lose it.
Listen first, speak second — Dale Carnegie
- One of the most effective ways to win an argument without losing your cool is to focus on listening to the other person’s perspective before you start to articulate your own. By taking the time to truly understand the other person’s argument, you can identify common ground and craft a response that addresses their points without resorting to emotional outbursts.
Tip saying in your head: I am present. I am conscious. I am open. Reminding yourself that you are still present gives you some emotional control of what they are saying. Try it out.
2. Another effective strategy for winning arguments without losing your temper is to approach the discussion with the goal of mutual understanding. Instead of trying to simply prove your own point, strive to understand the other person’s perspective and find ways to bridge the gap between your differing views. This can help to de-escalate the situation and keep the conversation focused on the issue at hand, rather than personal attacks or emotional outbursts.
Tip: Remember that you cannot give away your power by listening and choosing to understand. In “presence”, you keep note that losing your temper can create a power shift- to their advantage.
3. Use facts and logic, not emotions — Rene Descartes.
You are emotional, they are emotional. Why is your emotion going to trump theirs? Everyone feels how they feel. You cannot break even by ‘out-emotioning’ (WARNING: my made up word) each other. Bring in the big guns- facts and logic. Get behind facts and logic especially from a figure both parties respect.
Tip: If someone you have an emotional relationship with, pause. Remember- do you want to be right or do you want a peaceful outcome? Reminder: it is a case of both of you against the problem rather than the problem in the middle and both of you on opposite sides.
Thank you for reading.
My name is Adaobi Okwy. Please turn on Email Notification for my next post. Also, Buy me coffee?
