5 Important Ways A Lack Of Closure Will Be The Best Thing That Ever Happened For You.
This is Strength Training For Your Mind.
Note- happened for you.
I was broken in pieces when I found out that an abusive narcissistic ex was among other things, being unfaithful. Life is lived forwards but understood backwards as they say, it was by looking backwards that I could see the abuse and narcissism that I had taught myself to live with.
I had long suspected that they were cheating but, they gaslit me so hard that I was paranoid enough to believe I was the problem which was why within seconds where they realized that I now knew for certain, they went from, “you are paranoid, delusional and ungrateful” to, “you made me do it. You pushed me into — — — —’s arms by your paranoid, delusional and ungrateful ass”.
Three things happened at once with that breakup. (1), I had to deal with the biggest breakup of my life at the time and (2) I realized that I had no template for how to pick up the pieces of my broken heart. (3) The ex was notoriously never wrong, a self described ‘saint’ and who told me severally, he had no regrets for how he treated me as it was my fault for poking my nose into what did not concern me. It was his body, his choice and I was to respect that. In the same breath, he was open to continuing the relationship with me if I remained faithful but allowed him to explore. In other news, there wasn’t ever going to be any closure just an acceptance at his grace.
Was I to lay in bed all day crying? Take a vacation? I was too broke and could not afford that luxury. I read online that I needed to load up on tubs of ice-cream- pff, I am sure that suggestion wasn’t for someone like me who gains 1 pound every time I smelt food.
What was horrible still about that breakup was that I had become isolated from pretty much everyone. He had convinced me that he was the only one who cared about me and so, I had neglected relationships until they were all pretty much non-existent. What was I to do now? How was I to pick up the pieces of my broken heart? How was I to move on? Move forward? How could he not feel any remorse? How do I move on when someone who was this cruel was also so charming to others? t
Books were not working for me. Self help gurus became a blur of words and faces. I came to a conclusion- as painful as it was, I was going to begin the journey of moving forward without closure. It was shattering. You mean, I was still the one to do the heavy lifting of healing myself despite all the abuse and unfairness I endured?
Well, yes.
And in 5 ways, I will show you how I did it and the important lessons a lack of closure will, yes, be one of the best things that will ever happen for you.
- You learn to mind your language. I still have random traumatic whiplashes from the trauma and abuse of that relationship but now, I am aware that questions like: How could s/he do this? Why did I stay? How could s/he? What type of person is this? Those questions don’t matter much. Begin to stand up against this approach. The answer is simple: that is who they are. Now you? You are out. You are over. It doesn’t matter anymore. Every time the thoughts come, breathe in, exhale deeply and think of something in the present or something happy. It takes a lot of deliberate practice but keep at it. Generally, you learn to go through life with a victor/hero/overcomer’s language, mindset and words. Your mind begins to actively reject negative narratives and stops dwelling on negativity. This is great through life.
READ: (The Problem With (West) African Traditional Marriages)
2. Let’s say for a moment that for some reason, you still want an ex back. Alright. Remember this: while you were with them, they could be toxic. Something in you was enabling that. If they have the potential to grow and become better, they need the time and space to do it. They need to see that you weren’t their problem. They need to learn. You staying on as a punching sack for their toxicity is a deterrent to their growth. This lesson teaches you to give people space. This teaches you that people are who they are and their growth is their responsibility not yours. Every time someone says “you made me”, you say “nah. That is all you”.
3. Growth is not linear. Ohhh boy. I wish it were. I wish you take one step today and tomorrow, you will forget the trauma and abuse. I wish if one smiled today, they will smile tomorrow. I wish all that. It isn’t true. Somedays you are fine, other days you want to call them. You want to cry. You want to root out your hair. You want to make them get it. This is normal but, don’t rush healing. Some traumas we work through life. Understanding this helps you stop letting negative memories spoil the moment for you. Understanding this will help you feel your feelings without guilt. Knowing that growth is a process of forwards and backwards helps you be patient in life’s struggles and seasons.
4. You one day wake up and realize that you now have your own template for survival- not the one someone wrote about, not the one someone told you about, no. You have a template borne of your sweat and tears, to quickly get through challenges. This is a survival manual and customized by you. You know YOU better. You have learned a lot about you. You know where some of your behavioural pitfalls are and you are quicker to change direction. This is fantastic.
READ: (Ever eaten mud? I ate mud for over 15 years)
5. You will one day wake up and see that you did it! You may still miss them but you don’t dial. Rather than calling, you write a letter or a note in your diary and keep it. You wake up and wonder if you will even care for whatever bullshit they will ever want to give and know that it is now your choice if you even will ever want to hear it. You wake up and realize that this is your life too. Your life matters. You matter. You are your own boss. You survived and you are a survivor and whatever comes, you now have You wake up with a book, a journal of a time that you feel a lot of distance with. You have learned something very important, closure is only fine- on your own terms.
Thank you for reading.
My name is Adaobi Okwy. Please turn on Email Notification for my next post. Also, Buy me coffee?
