(West) African Traditional Marriage is Glorious.
Here is Why It Should Be Scrapped.
One of the many (west) African traditions is a traditional marriage where a bride price is paid for the woman on her wedding day. Without this payment done, there is no marriage.
Except you have attended one in person, on African soil, your imagination will not carry you far on how glorious this ceremony can be.
There is the music: cue Nigerian musician Flavor’s voice, going, “Ada Ada, Ada n’idi ora nma’ (Ada you are good/beautiful to us)…
Then the colours everywhere of the bridesmaids (ashebi), your parents and relatives dressed up in their best clothes and colours. The food preps everywhere and the fresh palm wine! Oooohhhh…
Many Africans live for occasions and traditional marriages especially. Ffamily, friends, neighbours, well wishers and passerbys are welcome. The colours, the pomp and pageantry, the affluence...words cannot describe it.
As an adult who has been traditionally married, I want to change one thing- the paying of bride price by the husband’s family to the bride’s family.
Then as a younger adult, I did not see it- a bride price gives ownership of the woman to the man. As an older adult, I cannot unsee this.
I love my Africa but if there is one thing we do not need more of, it is more of male ownership of women in any form.
- your husband can choose to allow (yes) you to further your education or not.
- Your husband can choose to abuse you in any way- physically, mentally, emotionally…whichever way you choose and your response must be ‘yes sir’
- No matter what happens, your husband is right. It is in our proverb: nwoke na nwanyi adighi ekpe ikpe (a man and a woman cannot come to be judged). The implication is that automatically the man is right- in all circumstances NO MATTER what.
Why do I call for the scrap of traditional marriages and not just the bride price?
I do not think one can exist without the other.
Bride prices have become a huge commercial business for families. Look through the internet. Some bride’s families see their family and traditional marriages as a repayment package for having sex that resulted in women.
In an economy as terrible as Africa’s, families negotiate bride prices with the fury of a thousand suns. Marriages (not just weddings), can be made or broken during these negotiations even if they were ‘successful’.
To begin, Women are not worth much in our society even though we are the pillars of the home(the homemakers, the bangmaids, the organizers of all events, the ones that keep the peace for both families etc). Why do we need the sale of our daughters too? With every bride price, we solidify the fact that women are just objects. Think I exaggerate? A father/brother/male colleague will tell you to your face, “what is your worth when soon you will be sold to a man?”
Abuse in African homes are on the increase but dare a woman leave and everyone will say, “go back”. “Do you know how shameful returning your bride price will be?”
How shameful? Isn’t the shame the fact that anyone is sold in the first instance? We already have the news telling us that we aren’t worth much as well as multiple platforms doing same. How are our own families telling us the same?
With every traditional marriage, I do not believe a moment that slavery will end anytime soon. With every traditional marriage, a daughter/ a living breathing human is sold.
I would want the emphasis of traditional marriages to be on women being able to run away from abuse and cruelty rather than encouraged through abuse and cruelty. This is not an exaggeration. The abuse of women in African homes is tremendous.
For all my love of culture and fight to save our traditions, I do not think traditional marriages should continue.
I hope you enjoy this work and understand the context and maybe consider some disempowering traditions from your location too.
Thank you for reading.
My name is Adaobi Okwy. Please turn on Email Notification for my next post. Also, Buy me coffee?
