I Leaned too Hard On a Married Man. It Caused a Breakup.
I swear I didn’t mean to break up a home.
I was just coming off my own breakup and escape from a horribly abusive narcissist. In retrospect, my emotions were all over the place. I was a storm looking for a calm. I ended up breaking up a calm with my storm.
After many years spent living in abuse, I needed a few things:
- Validation from the world that I did not deserve the evil I went through
- Assurance from the world that I was going to be alright.
Scrolling through the contacts on my phone, there were a few people I could trust. My peers are in serious relationships or married. Within that same small pool, they were even more limited in those I could comfortably share my truth with.
My friend ‘Sam’ saw a bit of how my ex was. He was married. I had also known him to be fairly objective. I knew that he would not bullshit me. I needed the truth and I needed to heal.
I knew what I needed but I did not know before I hit up Sam was:
. Healing was neither linear nor a quick trip.
. Healing was a personal responsibility.
I called Sam when I woke up from bed in cold sweats because I had a dream that my ex was about to catch me and pull me back into his web of lies. Sam would spend long minutes assuring me that it was okay. I would be alright. It would be fine.
I called Sam many times when I could not get through the day without weeping uncontrollably or when I could not get out of bed.
Sometimes my calls were in the middle of the day. Sometimes, later in the day.
At the back of my mind, I knew 2 things:
- I was too wounded to even consider the thought of a romantic relationship with Sam. I justified that to myself. I knew our relationship would never be more than it was and on the other end
- I was friends with his wife. I just assumed “it was me. His wife will understand”.
Sam made some subtle hints that: “My wife worries so much about you. I sometimes share what you are going through with her” I already assumed that he would so I did not care.
Then, Sam said “My wife is angry that I am talking with you all the time but she understands because we know you are going through a lot.”
As an introvert with a very picky appetite for people, small talks and meetups, I knew I would not put up with anyone calling me as much as I was calling Sam. To put it simply — I acted very selfishly. I was all about my pains and woes and forgot that Sam had a life, a commitment and a responsibility. I knew his wife through him but we have lived on opposite ends of the country forever and so, we have never developed a deeper relationship. This is not justification.
Soon, Sam began to speak more firmly: “my wife has issues with these calls.”
He tried calling me on his way to work or back or when he said he was alone but, it was exhausting. For me, my pain did not have schedules. I wanted what I wanted and wanted it when I wanted it. I needed Sam to listen, counsel me and talk me through each bout of pain.
Painfully for me, Sam straight up ghosted me. I was shocked. It was out of character.
In my mind: He was my friend. He had my back. Why? He could have talked to me.
Thing is — he did. I was just too into myself to hear him.
I have 2 goals with this write up:
- Do not sacrifice what is precious to you so that someone else will be comfortable.
- Know your limits.
I say this to both comforter and griever. Protect yourself. Protect your mental health. Protect your family. If you cannot be there as much as you can, it is alright. Truth is, I wouldn’t have died if Sam hadn’t helped me through. I still would have survived.
I am grateful that I had Sam at the time. I just wish I had not been as selfish.
Thank you for reading. Are you a Sam or are you me?
Hi. My name is Adaobi Okwy. Buy me coffee? Kindly turn on Email Notifications to see my next post.
