Why Do You Say “My Anxiety?”
Or “My” Depression for that matter?
I am not here to “woke” or not woke you. I am just curious- do you understand the ‘severity’ of appropriating a negative state of being as ‘yours?’.
READ: Moving On Is Hard. Let’s Diss Your Ex.
Before I was an abuse victim at the hands of a romantic partner, I went through a time where I was suicidal and battling crippling depression.
I live in Africa and here, we really don’t talk about:
Anxiety: “What do you have to be anxious about?”
Depression: “Is that a real thing?”
Feeling suicidal: “You are an ungrateful coward”
So, for all the awareness on mental health issues- these are topics that are ‘best avoided’ for the comfort of all. To be fair- the person you are telling is likely covering up their mental health challenges just like you are. We are nurtured to ‘knock it off’ and get on with it.
Depression for me, used to be a boogeyman of sorts- my mind will say- “it is coming” and immediately, the bottom will fall off- in broad daylight. I will mentally see myself spiraling through a bottomless pit. This spiral free fall will continue for what will feel like- ages.
I remember screaming, “Nooo…I don’t want this…”
READ: Preparing To Leave An Abusive Relationship?
It never listened to me. I will fall into a space that had only one source of light. Around me will be damp and mouldy- think these pictures of Daniel in a cave. In that cave though isn’t Daniel but yours truly- in a fetal position or crouching. There, I will keep calling to myself- “come out”, “come out”, “come out”… many a times- I never could.
As severe as these states of being were for me- I never imagined to appropriate them as “my/mine”. I wanted out. I wanted to not have these experiences anymore because they scared me and drained the life out of me.
Almost daily, I see this language of “my anxiety” “my depression” and I have to wonder- are you looking to get out of this state of being or are you strapped in for the long haul? I feel the language makes a big difference. Don’t you?
As I have written severally about escaping abuse, you do not live your best life in abuse- you just cannot. But, even in that state of being, I knew better than to claim that the abuse was “mine”.
I am free now and still get moments where sheer terror and panics hit me so hard, I double over. I still have never thought- “my anxiety” or “my panic attack” is worse today or whatever.
I have learned that we become what we believe: “We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves” Buddha.
READ: 4 Types Of Anger After Abuse
I am not “my abuse”. I am not “my heartbreaks”. I am not the “emotional whiplashes and flashbacks” I still experience. I am not “my trauma”. I think language is very important. Especially if you are serious about healing.
Am I in denial? Am I making light of a situation beyond my understanding?
I don’t think so. I am genuinely concerned: working yourself out or worked yourself into acceptance?
For me, mental health is a life-long training. We should aspire to the positive. I am on that mental health cleanse. It is:
I am positive.
I am in a positive state of being.
I am joyful
Good things happen for me
The world is plotting to lift me up.
I always and only claim ownership of what I desire. For me, it is a life-long journey. I see the perfect peace and health that I desire as already a reality. All that is left is for my mind (maybe) to catchup to what I aspire to. How do I claim something else that is contrary? Even with my mouth hanging open and gulping down air as I wait for a panic attack to pass, I still keep my focus on what I am- Happy, Free, Positive, Joyful.
I also refuse to give victory to the person who abused me.
Does this work for me? Very much so. Healing is not a linear journey and just because I have a panic or anxiety attack, it does not mean that I am back at the beginning.
I think you should lose “my — — — — — “ anything negative and become everything you want even as you work towards it.
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