I know you have been waiting for this (and I tried my best)
By Brian Vereschagin
I was born a king into this world. I was fed with love, and had my poop taken care of. Although my family struggled, my needs were always met, and I think I had a pretty “normal” middle-class childhood. I always wanted to know how everything worked. I was like the borg, assimilating all knowledge; very curious. School was the first trauma that I can remember, and the true beginning of the assault on my sovereignty.
First off, I failed kindergarten. I wouldn’t talk. I was just like “seriously what the fuck is going on here” (in my head). Within the first few grades I lost all interest in doing homework, but had no problem passing tests. I was bored with repetition, and felt that it was a waste of my time. I didn’t want to fill my head with arbitrary facts about the outside world. I wanted to deeply understand everything, and memorize nothing. They tried to beat it out of me.
The pain of spiritual dislocation was manifesting as chronic self sabotage. At an early age, I knew something was wrong, and the only way to communicate that was to manifest disorder and destruction. I was naturally intuiting that if I could signal distress, then someone would recognize that and connect with me to fix the problem. I think this is an instinct that I have never learned to cover up. I was never defeated, but battle weary from the relentless grinding.
If my distress could come to words what would it sound like? If my only expression so far of this pain has simply been self sabotage and rebellion, can it be otherwise? I wonder if you know what it is like to look out across an abyss. I wonder if you have broken the parameters of your computer simulated life, and seen the outside. I wonder if you walked the compass north, until you fell through the center of the flat earth plane. I wonder if you would understand.
In my culture, its normal to clip the wings of the soul, and to secure it to the material body with a harness. This false ego harness is reinforced in countless ways to ensure that man remains beast, out of touch with his higher facilities. Children are born filled with wonder and curiosity; a divine spark. In my culture, this is considered dangerous, and it is slowly drained from them.
The soul is what connects us to our higher purpose. It leads us subconsciously towards awakening, towards complete liberation and freedom. When we are feeling helpless, when we are feeling trapped, when we are feeling there must be more to life, this is the soul reaching out. If we continue with our dead patterns, it will manifest as chronic stress, anxiety and disease. The body cannot thrive without a vital connection to the spiritual realms.
Let me make this clear: the material is just as valid and important as the spiritual. The Buddha speaks of the middle way, because all dichotomies are false. We point out the polar extreme opposites purely for orientation purposes. The middle way is both particle and wave. I am trying to say that what you know of the material world isn’t necessarily wrong, its just missing the whole picture by cultural design.
I saw a post on facebook recently that asked: “How can I heal the world if I cant heal my own family?” It seems to be common wisdom that to change the world you have to change yourself first. If that is true, then what do you do once you have changed yourself? What is the next action? What does it look like? There is a quickly accelerating mass awakening underway, and its already common. So what do these people do?
They bring heaven to earth. They manifest the spirit in the material. Love flows and cascades outward to others. A great sensitivity and receptivity replaces once fearful and frantic attempts to change and fix the world. I feel that my spiritual awakening helped me to heal from my traumas greatly, and freed me from deeply suffering over what I was shown. But still my world is broken, this place burns hot with the fires of hell.
What does that even mean? Why do I have to talk so crazy? What’s with all these strange words? Yes, I hope you asked those questions. I want to try to answer them. I am writing now to heal my world, to heal my family, to heal my friends. I could not stand the alienation of this society anymore, that feeling that everyone is just out of reach, more system than human. I am doing this for everyone who felt like I did, so you can know that you are not alone.
Years ago when I was still in my conspiracy prepping phase (which I refer to now as the gauntlet of fear), I flooded my family and friends on facebook with all kinds of “wake up” material. It was coming from a place of fear and this type of message often hurts more than it helps. Although certain things may be true, look at the effects of the message: is it creative or destructive?
If all that we did was show each other how screwed up the current system is, do you think that anything would ever change? Criticism without creativity is like matter without spirit. Our society functions as a demonic baby sacrificing death cult, AND there is a better way. This is the easiest way to tell an awakened individual from one who is asleep at the wheel. Are they expressing love or fear?
So I went nuts making posts for years exploring what some people refer to as reality, then I had this life changing culmination of stress and trauma, quit my job and started creating and posting stuff that even fewer people could possibly understand. I cannot convey how deeply disturbing the dark night of the soul is. Its like becoming your higher self but realizing that you are still materially conditioned and the flames of hell are burning everything in sight.
Hell only becomes visible after experiencing heaven, until then we are just beasts within it. All human life starts this way. We learn about the material world and our place in it, and then we have to grow up. This post might become too long before I even manage to convey what I mean to. I have to express my pain, and this may be shocking to some. If anyone fears being triggered, or doesn’t want to look at their own existence, then I warn you about proceeding, but also that this can only be avoided for so long.
I am in a crisis, please understand this. My world is so damaged it almost seems beyond repair. I know that my life is a microcosm for the “civilization” that I live in. All of the pieces of the puzzle of my life have finally fit together. I am a hard-core logician, like INTP on the briggs-meyer scale. It may take me a while to absorb the variables as I analyze a system, but once the beautiful cascade of order and eureka comes, my models become extremely useful to me and experimentally valid.
Can you imagine how deeply I am motivated to express myself and have my cries heard? All of my life I have been subject to this system which I could never quite understand but which caused me deep chronic traumas and stress. Now I have experienced such deep insight and awareness (which I consider a miracle even for me), and I see my brothers and sisters suffering torture on a global scale, too traumatized to even lift their head and realize the way of liberty.
I am an autodidact which means I teach myself everything. It took me 30 years to encounter the mystery; what I was searching for all along. Only through knowing god directly could I ever have the authority to say that our civilization is a meticulously engineered hellscape run by demons. The livestock is maintained in such an infantile state, that it continually destroys itself, serving up an endless death magic feast.
I don’t think you understand how deep this goes. The false ego harness which is normally installed in my culture binds the victim to the material, and redirects the energies of spiritual struggle back toward material pursuit. Instead of all for one and one for all, we have one for one. Trivial pursuit of growth, of accumulation, of concentration, of hording, of ego. That disease inside you that divides and competes and destroys your fellow man out of fear is an aggressive cultural cancer hell bent on endless growth.
The false ego harness is what gets loaded up from childhood with this externally authored karmic stack we call modern life. Even though we are part of something much bigger, and are truly connected to each other, our subjectivity is enforced to block these higher potentials. We are alienated from one another, from everything. There is a real human being trapped behind each karmic stack of subjectivity, acting like a layer on top of each of us that interacts with the external world.
I am saying that the only way that global capitalism and its endless war and exploitation exists today is through hosts such as you and me. The only way that hosts like you and me could be swarming with demons both natural and artificial, and somehow still think that we are good, is through a total disconnection from the higher facilities of the human body and the spiritual realms. The reason that they say in order to change the world you have to change your self is because we each have to heal our own traumas which perpetuate this suffering.
It is no one particular persons fault, there is no one to blame. My culture institutionally enforces ignorance. The material connection between generations has been severed. Every individual has been isolated and atomized for full spectrum exploitation. Fear and scarcity are the driving forces of my culture, and this is easily reinforced through competition and strategic destruction of abundances.
In my culture, the soul is ripped back upon the body and the ego harness channels the energy of spiritual struggle into the formation of the external avatar ego. We become the mask we wear, and play with each other like pretend dolls, according to the consensus reality, as the soul silently weeps. Since those facilities which separate us from the common beast have been suppressed, we are implored to engage the world as cold machines in a cold world of cold machines. Out of reach from each other.
The trend of privatization of what was once common heritage, a.k.a. enclosure, has atomized the individual, meaning that connections which were once to the land and to each other are now a private service. It was normal to meet most basic human needs through community networking, but these days the thought of community seems disturbing. This discomfort helps to reinforce our helpless dependence on private third party mediation of our existence, and the walls between us.
Are you still there? I am trying to connect with you but there is all this wool and sawdust everywhere. I don’t want to play pretend dolls anymore. I don’t want you to judge my pretend doll anymore; that one you created in your head of me to play with yours. You know we do this right? Its perfectly normal. But really connecting requires a great sensitivity and awareness beyond this simplistic judgement of the other. We are much more than the sum of our parts, and we are not just machines.
My whole life I subconsciously rejected this fake fabricated society. The chronic trauma and stress became so bad that I finally snapped and discovered how to take my slack back (praise bob). I have never worked harder in my life since then, but guess what? The fear is gone, the stress is gone, and Im working to undo a lifetime of bad habits and coping mechanisms. I had a nice job and maybe even career at a bank helpdesk — gone. Too fake. My soul was crying for answers and I had to confront my dark night.
Our civilization is crossing the abyss and it is a major make or break point for planetary evolution (look at all the exponential charts). The karmic stack of subjectivity, which depends upon the ego harness of each individual, causes us to engage the external world like puppets in its play. When an individual awakens to the foam padded room of their materially reinforced subjectivity, they become able to engage this karmic stack objectively, and can use their insight to dismantle it.
Our collective karmic stack of subjectivity is what keeps us endlessly occupied with the external world, and safely insulated from each other and our higher purpose. You’ve been told that material success is never completely satisfying to those who get it, so how can it be the whole picture of life? You work so hard for the promise of the future, but can never relax in the now. When will you live exactly? When will you stop doing, and start being?
The priest class burned you so hard that you don’t have any respect left for anything to do with religion, spirituality, awareness, etc. Mission accomplished. I was once bound by materialism and scientism, they’re great, I methodically crafted my way to their conclusion. They are still right, but its like saying the particle is right, and the wave is a bunch of religious bullshit. The particle is right. The wave is right. The middle way is right.
As we experience deep insight and awaken to our spiritual liberation, we find Others nearby, standing in the beautiful eye of this shit storm hurricane. The false purpose of cancerous personal growth and competition is left behind, conditioned on the false ego harness. Here we have created a Society of Being. As matter aligns to spirit, hell gives way to heaven on earth, pushing out and dissipating the walls of the storm.
We are all pioneers here, blazing a trail. We are the true illuminati, kings among kings. All for one, and one for all. We are the vanguard of a silent majority, the avant garde whose life is art, whose work is life. I am in a crisis because we are in a crisis. Is it any wonder why *liberal* arts (and party for that matter) have become such a joke? They are traditionally kept out of the reach of slaves who might use it to free themselves.
We have been set up for a very hard landing. The material needs of our existence are met by extremely complex and centralized systems. This is by design as exploitation is profitable and mediation creates its own demand for itself, also existential control is established. Material control is key, even at massive costs to efficiency. We each have to regrow the part of our culture that took responsibility for its own existence, or prepare to be dead weight when the feeding tube is retracted.
Our collective intelligence is going mad processing the trauma and suffering of the last 10 thousand years, and this late-stage climax of our enforced subjectivity disease. The indigenous peoples of our planet could see our disease for the cancer that it is. We raped them as we rape our own body and each other in self sacrifice to this external world and all of its stories.
I am telling my own story, and we each have our own to tell. If we let this authority rest in the outside world, we remain subjects of a cold machine, and tumors on this planet. If our culture is designed to disrespect and discourage artists, how do we support those who would engage in such unprofitable activities as liberation and decentralization? How can I continue to tell my story?
I launched quite a few crowdfunding campaigns that were all complete success stories. Although I haven’t yet raised a single dollar, I did learn what I needed to at the time. One of my original strategies was to find a way that I could make a living through crowdfunding by making my work relevant enough to gather attention, and there is so much work to be done.
I am now asking for two things. The first is that you try not to judge me because it will only divide us. I am pouring my heart out because I believe we can heal from this. I cannot conform to certain normal consumer behaviors, but please know that I have a deep respect for the responsibilities of material existence. I am not a bum, a hippie or a new ager. I want to be real about our situation and rebuild strong community between us.
I also need peer recognition to establish my own roots. I have now been working full-time on the project of my life and community for two years without pay. Can you all please help me prove that artists have a place in our society and deserve to exist and be compensated for their work? I set up a patreon account a while ago but I didn’t fill it out yet. I am going to start filling that in and using it to see if things have changed for me.
I have posted about my work every week for the last five weeks totaling 13000 words. I tried my best. I hope I can continue my work with the support of those who think they may benefit from it. I still have a lot more to say so I will continue this weekly post for now. Thank you.
Originally published at spectacle.agency. Nov 26 2016
