“Home” is an oil painting by Estee Zandee

Is Your Home Spelled S-A-F-E?

8 min readMar 29, 2018

“A person’s a person, no matter how small.”
~ Dr. Seuss

“What did she use this time?” The kind man who cleans my white carpets squats down to inspect the splashed rainbow.

“Acrylic and oils.” I show him the finished masterpiece displayed on the easel above the carpet’s danger zone.

He nods appreciatively, and from his arsenal of stain removers, sprays over the area what I assume is an anti-acrylic and an oil neutralizing solution.

“You must see this kind of clean-up project a lot in your business.” I think of the dropped plate of spaghetti he cleaned last time he was here.

“Not like this.” He gives the fading spot a thorough scrub. “Backed up toilets, pet stains, and shoes that should have been left at the door.”

I nod because he has cleaned all those at my house, too. And I remember when my young daughter showed me her painting. Her face had been alight with the artistic freedom that comes when her hands have translated her heart to canvass. Just as much paint was on the carpet below and as she followed my gaze, she was incredulous.

“Sorry, mom, I didn’t see that.”

Of course not. Nor did she remember to use a drop cloth the three times before. Which is how I have gotten to know the carpet cleaning guy well enough that he took one of our kittens home to his family. Like house and hearth, a female kitten is the gift that keeps giving.

Your Home is an Art Studio

“I continue to believe that if children are given the necessary tools to succeed, they will succeed beyond their wildest dreams!” ~ David Vitter

Home. It’s the art studio for life. And like all art studios, it is creatively messy, reflecting developing people, talents, and relationships. There is a tension between keeping a tidy house and using the living areas for — well — living.

As the wife of a pastor, Orville and Wilbur Wright’s mother frequently entertained. She was known to announce to her guests that they would be eating in the living room since her sons had their projects spread out on the dining table. Because Mrs. Wright wisely designated space for her children to discover their world and test their ideas, the brothers turned the possibility of flight into reality. Because she gave wings to her sons long before they learned how to fly, that mother’s legacy outlives her for all of history.

Relationship Glue

“We are a mix of Little Women and The Odd Couple,” said my daughter.

One of the best gifts we give our child is a home that is synonymous with safe. Emotional safety — above any other factor – is the key to raising children who live, love, and lead well. The family is an ideal setting where children learn patience and people skills that last a lifetime.

Because parents have the first access to the deepest place in a child’s heart, moms are vitally important in the life of our offspring. By extending big and small acts of kindness, respect, and thoughtfulness to one another on a consistent basis during good times and challenging days, family members form relationship glue. Those connections, poignant moments, and laughing-until-milk-comes-out-our-nose form a shared history and confirm that we belong. Together. We are assured:

I experience feelings and emotions because I am a whole person.
I can control my responses to the emotions I feel.
Anger is God’s gift of extra adrenalin I can channel into constructive action to right a wrong.

Relationship glue shows up when my now grown children send group texts referencing memories and movie quotes that only we understand; like a picture of Olympic runners sprinting from the starting line with the caption, “When you say, ‘I’m gonna take a shower and your sibling says, ‘No, I’m gonna shower first.”

Embracing All Our Feelings Takes Courage

“The best inheritance a parent can give his children is a few minutes of his time each day.”
~ Orlando Aloysius Battista

Moms who experience significant emotional pain can become weary of hurting and as a coping device, shut off those torturous emotions. However, as a mom who numbed her feelings, I may have stymied the influence of rejection and abandonment and anger, but emotions are like a bunch of grapes. To eliminate hurt and sadness is to also cut off joy and happiness, peace and goodness and gentleness. I learned that stuffing vital emotions does not make them disappear. Instead those unresolved feelings emerge sideways through behavior, depression, and an inability to connect with others.

I realized I wanted to be whole for myself and for my children. Feeling the highs and lows of living life full out, full blast takes courage.

Sometimes your child will experience emotions she often can’t identify. Confusion, anger, and sadness can emerge through behavior. When I was in school there were the good kids and the bad kids. Life experience has taught me that those choosing bad behavior are not bad kids but are young people with large heart hurts. No matter how old we are, behavior is a symptom of a heart issue. You can help your child understand with statements like these:

“I understand you are feeling hurt and angry right now. Sometimes we may share the same feelings and other times you and I will have different experiences. When one of us is frustrated or sad, another may be happy. However, we will not take out our feelings on others or demand that they change how they feel.”

Making Home Safe When You Aren’t There

“There can be no keener revelation of a society’s soul than the way in which it treats its children.” ~ Nelson Mandela

Moms do double duty as full-time parent while maintaining a career. How do you oversee the peace and safety of your children when you are away?

When possible have a trusted — very trusted — relative provide childcare to extend the sense of family.
Based on their experience, ask friends to recommend excellent childcare providers.
Pelt those you interview with plenty of questions to help you know the caretaker.
Trust your gut and intuition. Even if you can’t name why you are hesitant, never, never, never put your child in a place that doesn’t feel right.
Always, always ask for referrals and talk to those people.
Always, always, always do a background check.
Always, always, always, always listen to your child’s concerns. If your child is not comfortable with a caregiver, that should be a concern for you.
Occasionally drop by where your child is being cared for to assure your child that you may be working but you are available.
Provide your young child with a cell phone that is only a phone. Limit the contacts to you and a few responsible family members or trusted friends that your child can text or call as needed.
Bridge home and career by periodically bringing your child to work. Children feel secure when they know where mom is and what she is doing there. Young children can bring color books and older children can engage in work-related tasks like helping with busy work or using the time to catch up on homework.
Attend the yearly company picnic where your child meets your co-workers and their families. If your employment doesn’t host a yearly family gathering already, recruit a co-worker and plan something simple and fun.
When feasible, schedule work hours when your child is otherwise occupied at school.
If you must bring work home, work for an hour before your child wakes, and for two hours after bedtime. Guard family time against infringement from your job.

Priceless Art Collection

“Children are the living messages we send to a time we will not see.” ~ John F. Kennedy

My friends are art collectors. Their homes showcase artwork by artists who resonate with their heart. One mom woke to find her toddler had risen earlier and drew all over his bedroom wall. With hammer, nails, and thin strips of wood, that mom framed the drawing by her child who saw a blank surface and filled it with color. She also instructed him that in the future his colors go on paper and not the walls.

My home is professionally decorated as well by young artists who hold my heart. The children squirm when visitors come and I draw attention to their masterpieces, but that doesn’t deter my enthusiasm. “Children want their parents to be proud of them,” my daughter told me.

In the 100-Acre Wood, children are safe. Play is their work and home is the playground. Recently I painted a canvas alongside my daughter. We mixed and spread paint, talked, and listened to music. Hours later there were two masterpieces that had not existed that morning.

“Come, see what I did,” I called to the other kids.

“Nice.” My son’s gaze went to the carpet below my easel, now splattered with blue the color of the Atlantic, and yellow the shade of the beach.

I called the carpet guy.

It feels like family.

Rich and full. Connected. Belonging. Rooted.

Creative and messy. Serious and hilariously funny. Deep and witty.

Fruits and vegetables and our famous homemade brownies

and floss your teeth and yes you can stay up fifteen more minutes.

It is a twisted ankle from stepping on a Hot Wheels in the night,

and removing the crucial Lego piece from the vacuum;

forts made of blankets, and kid-sized shovels

to dig a tunnel from the woods to house.