Day 11: A Band of Brothers
On Day 11 of my 30 Days, I needed someone to lean on, and my brothers were there. I was really struggling with fatigue and nearing exhaustion, but the men at our weekly Bible study (we call it “Community Group” — no it’s not a cult, thanks for asking) told me what I needed to hear and gave me words of encouragement. That openness reminded me of one of the most important aspects of growing towards true manhood: a band of brothers.
My understanding of what that means comes from Stephen Mansfield. Mansfield this, Mansfield that, Mansfield says… (No he’s not paying me for any of this.) I know I’ve put a lot of his words out there in this story, but what I haven’t shared is how I heard about this guy in the first place.
Like all great stories, it starts with a bearded gentleman and a podcast:
Once upon a time, there was a group of men who were trying to start a Fight Club, of sorts. Not a Fight Club in the sense that they would hang out at night in alleys and garages, beating the snot out of each other, but a Fight Club in the sense of challenging and encouraging each other to live out our faith in a smaller group setting.
As a prelude and challenge to this group of men, The Bearded Man shared this Art of Manliness podcast interview with Stephen Mansfield to talk about his new book, Building a Band of Brothers. Mansfield viewed this book as a a correction to a mistake he made in his Book of Manly Men. In Manly Men, he had “described manhood, urged men towards it, probed them, asked questions, held up historical figures,” but his mistake was that he left out the final step: A man needs other men around them, a band of brothers, to help them perfect and achieve righteous, noble manhood.
After listening to the podcast and being intrigued by this man who spoke to men about men in an unabashed, unapologetic, yet humble way, one of the men had to learn more. So he picked up the book that triggered the sequel.
And thus, The Bearded Man set off the chain of events that leads us to the words you’re reading today…
So… A Band of Brothers, what is it? And why do we need one?
First, what is it? What this concept all about? It’s not the HBO miniseries (although there are plenty of lessons to be learned about manhood from that Band of Brothers), but:
A band of brothers, in the sense that we use the words . . . is not a meeting, a club, a therapy group, or a self-help society. It is the group of men we do life with. It is the team of brothers committed with us to the cause of great manhood. It is the band of men with whom we build a manly culture of inspiration and achievement.
“Do life with?” What’s that supposed to mean?
I need men walking closely enough with me to know who I am. I need men who love me but aren’t afraid of me. I need men with whom I can experience the joy and wildness of being a man but who are also invested in me being all I can be — just as I am invested in them.
To be the finest man I can be, I need big brothers, little brothers, fathers, and just plain buddies. I need men who know what I can be and know what might keep me from it. I need men who can push me to my destiny.
Let me be even more specific. I need men who walk closely enough with me to notice the angry cell phone call I just had with my wife. They have to have the courage to mention it and ask what’s going on. They help. They insist upon my best. They are also near enough to know when I’m checking out the backside of the waitress. They point it out. They challenge me. They ask what’s going on at home. I want to walk through life with men who know that my particular problems aren’t booze or women, but pride, foul language, and the twenty or thirty Oreos at a time that always seem like a good idea. That’s the deal.
This is a callback to the days of yore. We might not recognize this ideal in a society where we can live lives in nearly complete physical isolation yet still communicate with others through what can be anti-“social” media, work remotely, and buy everything we need from Amazon Prime without needing to leave the comfort and safety of our own homes.
Believe it or not though, young millennial (I know I know, I’m one too, I keed I keed), there once was a time before the Internet, before telephones, before electricity, before the printed word where we HAD to rely upon each other for food, protection, education, laughter and even survive. Just because we can mostly do these things now by ourselves, doesn’t mean that we should.
In the garage. I feel safe. No one cares about my ways. In the garage where I belong. No one hears me sing this song.
But it’s harder now to make friends, real friends; we can all agree on that right? Where is there time for friends with 9–5 (AT LEAST) jobs to work, wives and/or children to cherish, studying, and the thousands of little things that seem to grow their way into our daily to-do lists like compound interest on our student loans?
Simple answers: Yes, it is harder. We have to make that time, ruthlessly getting rid of the waste that has the tendency to steal our hours.
Getting rid of that waste will be losing things that we treasure — something different for all of us. For me, freeing up more time means losing time consuming news/opinion/political commentary (as if there’s a distinction anymore…), time scrolling through Twitter, and time spent on Netflix/Amazon Video. But that’s nothing compared to what I (and you) have already lost:
What we have lost in our generation — in addition to a transforming connection to God — is the power of being part of a band of brothers. What we have lost is what our ancestors knew — that we are better together, that a man who is self-defined is defined by a fool and that no man achieves his best alone.
Full disclosure: For a long time, probably the overwhelming majority of my life, I’ve been that fool. I used to think that I could go it alone, that I was powerful enough, smart enough, strong enough to do it by myself — I’d show everybody! I took me doing damage in the lives of people close to me to show me that I just couldn’t. I was a weak and insecure man.
Being in a band of brothers though, however imperfectly our band approaches that ideal, has made me a better man. Through the grace of God, I still have my weaknesses and insecurities but through the example of the men around me, I’m better equipped to win those battles every day.
…it sounds great in concept, but how are you supposed to make it happen?
To close out, Mansfield’s Five Essentials to Building a Band of Brothers, paraphrased (I’m barely doing them justice, you’ll have to read the book to get the full benefit):
- The Indirect Connection: Men relate to each other first by doing something other than relating… Focus on something other than talking/relating, and that’ll come later.
- The Extension of Honor: Express honor to your friends by acknowledging a gift that they have. It shows that you respect them, that they have meaning to you, and invites them to share that gift, thereby making the friendship about making each other better.
- The Covenant Transition: This flows from the extension of honor — a covenant transition happens when “men making helping each other in some critical area of their lives a part of the purpose of the relationship.”
- The Free Fire Zone: This is the “agreement among everyone in the band that anything that must be said to make a man better WILL be said.” That’s right — it’s time to tough up: love includes tough love.
- The Contagious Culture: When you have 1–4 above, “we arrive at a culture that makes a band of brothers work for the good of every man.”
I couldn’t get through this 30 Days without, among other things, my band of brothers. Thank you, gentlemen.
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Quote of the Day
We few,
We happy few,
We band of brothers,
For he today that sheds his blood with me,
Shall be my brother.
~St. Crispin’s Day Speech from Henry V, William Shakespeare
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Links to Past Episodes/Resources:
Introduction Day 1 Day 2 Day 3 Day 4 Day 5 Day 6 Day 7 Day 8 Day 9 Day 10
Manfield’s Book of Manly Men: An Utterly Invigorating Guide to Being Your Most Masculine Self
If you have any feedback, please send me a message or leave it on my Facebook page: Thirty Days. This is a new project and I’d love to hear your thoughts. It is a tremendous encouragement to know that someone is reading this. Encouragement, comments AND criticism are welcome.
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