Beware of Positive Intent — Uncovering the Covert Bullying of Unintended Consequences

A loved one gave me an extravagant gift lately, but it was defective and caused a great deal of harm.

I found myself trapped in a painfully familiar catch-22 — attempting to show gratitude for something that had harmed me.

Unintended consequences do us all a great deal of harm if they are not acknowledged and addressed in the moment. Hurtful impact is harmful to both the benefactor and the beneficiary, but it is always the recipient who suffers the harm publicly. Too often the benefactor is praised and honored for their “good deed” while the victims of the deed are left to suffer in silence.

Due to the shortage of courageous upstanders in our society, it is almost always the responsibility of the victim (recpipient) to point out the misstep to the “benefactor” — a skill that takes a great deal of courage and often results in more harm to the victim. Grace and humility do not come easily for most of us. Holding ourselves and each other accountable is incredibly challenging if we did not have it modeled for us in childhood.

Positive intent does not excuse, nor does it erase, hurtful impact.

I once saw this comment written on a whiteboard at a leadership seminar. I took a photo of it and have kept it close to my heart ever since. I try to assume positive intent in myself and others, but I’m learning to recognize and call out hurtful impact whenever I see it. It’s not an easy skill to learn. Society has programmed us to believe that positive intent trumps everything else, which couldn’t be further from the truth.

Comments such as “they meant well” and “they did the best they could” are an insidious form of gaslighting. Dismissal and denial allow the abuser off the hook and cause the victim to question their sanity.

Yes, my intentions matter. But they don’t matter more than my impact. If I cause harm — whether it is through action or inaction — then I need to own the impact I created. It doesn’t necessarily mean I was wrong (although it might). But I do need to take responsibility for my impact.

Whether it’s a compliment, a condolence, a gesture, a gift, or an opportunity, unintended negative consequences always cause harm. Indifference to or denial of the pain caused by the behavior of the “benefactor” has the power to turn the misstep into trauma for the recipient (nobody is a beneficiary if they have been harmed).

One small misstep, no big deal.

A misstep that is acknowledged and amended, no big deal.

Multiple missteps over months or years is what leads to complex trauma. It is abuse.

Examples of positive intent with negative impact (harmful missteps) from the real world:

1. Expecting your employees to be grateful for a job despite inadequate compensation or a toxic work environment.
2. Expecting your partner to be grateful for gifts of tickets to professional sporting events when your partner has no interest in sports.
3. Expecting your friend to be grateful when you give them a defective gift that causes harm (a gift of a car with faulty brakes or a reservation at a resort that turns out to be a dive).
4. Expecting your beneficiary to be grateful when your benevolence has multiple strings attached. “I’ll pay for your college education if you behave as I do or as I tell you to.”
5. Expecting your customers or students or clients or patients or parishioners or sponsees or children… to be grateful for the “product” you have “given” them when that product is faulty or causes harm — eg. a meal with allergens or a college education that fosters abuse of power or therapy that invalidates and re-traumatizes or medication that does more harm than good or a sermon that “others” certain people and makes them feel unwelcome or advice that causes the recipient to feel morally defective or a childhood filled with shame hidden behind charm…

In a world where hurtful impact is ignored, human beings become merely commodities. Individuals are taken advantage of and then ignored, or even abused, if we attempt to point out the harm.

“The consumer is always right” is a platitude (thought-terminating cliché) that is almost never true. In reality, the consumer is never right if their right happens to infringe upon the ego of the provider.

When there is a power differential and harm is done, the person with power is always the abuser.

The person without power is always the victim. That’s the way oppression works.

Reasonable expectations are at the root of putting an end to oppression in all aspects of life.

Managing expectations is important. It’s a skill that every adult should be able to execute with humility and grace.

Managing expectations doesn’t mean no expectations, it means reasonable expectations.

If I treat you with kindness, I should be able to expect kindness in return. That’s reasonable. We should all have reasonable expectations for each other. It’s what being a mature human adult is all about.

Treat others the way you want to be treated.

We ALL want to be treated with kindness and respect, that’s human, but the sad truth is that many of us treat ourselves like crap.

We should not treat others as we treat ourselves but as we want to be treated by others. The key to treating others with kindness is learning to treat ourselves with kindness — otherwise known as self-compassion.

Self-compassion [healthy narcissism] doesn’t simply mean changing ourselves. It also means changing the systems that cause us harm. — Kristin Neff

We can love others without loving ourselves, but we can’t have compassion for others unless we have it for ourselves.

I need to start with me. You need to start with you. Self-compassion is a gift to all of us. Self-kindness is the at the root of compassion.

We should all be able to expect kindness from ourselves and from others. Nobody should have to beg for it.

Compassion = kindness + common humanity + wisdom.