Boundaries Versus Barriers — An Important Message for Therapists
Boundaries protect and support authentic connection.
Barriers drive disconnection and traumatize both sides in a conflict.
Boundaries require humility and courage and take a lot of practice.
Barriers are cowardly. Barriers prolong conflict and worsen the suffering of everyone involved.
Stonewalling, persistent refusal to communicate or express emotions, is an especially pernicious barrier. Stonewalling is indifference in the face of suffering.
Denial, deflection, rejection, and disengagement are behaviors of people in deep pain. Those of us in deep pain are in desperate need of connection, not “space”.
Time-outs (breaks, opportunities to calm down and regulate ourselves) are an essential part of conflict resolution, but they should be brief and purposeful. The more intimate the relationship, the shorter the gap should be between rupture and repair.
“Rupture and repair” refers to the breaking and restoring of connection with one another. Since humans are wired for connection, and connection is what researchers say brings most happiness, rupture and repair is a critical concept to learn about for wellbeing.
Repair ruptures immediately. Ruptures are inevitable and even important for positive growth but only when ruptures are short-lived. Repairing ruptures as soon as we become aware of them is vital. Repairs are made by being empathic, warm, loving, accepting, curious, and playful.
Therapists, mediators, educators, and lawyers should all receive extensive training in rupture and repair. If anyone leaves a session with one of these professionals feeling unseen, unheard, and uncared for, the professional has failed to do their job.
Therapists who are not adept at understanding the difference between boundaries and barriers cause a great deal of harm. By encouraging clients to put up barriers instead of teaching them how to establish and respect boundaries, inexperienced therapists “validate” unhealthy behavior patterns in all parties. Disengaged clients remain trapped in a hell of disconnection from others. Clients on the receiving end of disengagement feel unseen and misunderstood.
Whether disengaged or dysregulated, all parties in an unrepaired rupture are left feeling abandoned and confused — stuck in a vicious cycle of cognitive dissonance.
Peace is not the absence of conflict but the ability to cope with it. Resilience comes from learning to address conflict in the moment. Turning away from conflict results in repression of our anger, fear, and shame. Those strong emotions don’t just disappear when we ignore them. They fester in our souls and create resentment and mistrust. Secure attachment is impossible without trust, and authentic connection is impossible without secure attachment.
Stonewalling is abusive behavior utilized by bullies to avoid conflict and to resist accountability. It is a toxically narcissistic behavior that comes from a place of shame and feeds the shame spiral. Stonewalling is an admission of culpability.
Mature individuals who accept responsibility for their behavior do not use this abusive technique. Real grown-ups understand the difference between a barrier and a boundary. Healthy people with secure attachment trust their instincts and are able to set and respect boundaries.
Setting and respecting boundaries is a learned behavior that needs to be practiced daily. It is the job of therapists to guide their clients trough practicing this important survival skill. Understanding healthy narcissism is an essential component of boundaries.
Simply put, compassion is love in the face of suffering.
Disengagement, often seen as indifference towards someone who is hurting, is the opposite of compassion.
Compassion is the courageous choice. Compassion is the only choice for healing what harms us. Compassion starts with empathy. Bullies lack empathy. Don’t be a bully. Don’t teach your clients to be bullies.
