Last week I quit my third job in less than 2 years due to relentless bullying.
I’m currently sitting as a customer in the lovely cafe where I worked for the past 3 months. It’s such a relief to witness the toxicity as an outsider. I know who the bullies are and who my allies are. I am incredibly grateful that I have the resources to say “take this job and shove it” — I realize this is a privilege not afforded to the vast majority of people.
Most of us have no choice but to appease our bosses or our parents or our spouses or our siblings or our adult children or our “friends” or our religious leaders or our “support” communities… We have evolved into a society of appeasers (victims/bullied) and manipulators (oppressors/bullies), and it has only gotten worse in the 60 years that I’ve been on this planet.
I am done abandoning myself for anyone. I’m done being anyone else’s scapegoat. It’s as true for jobs as it is for friends and family. I am done absorbing anybody else’s toxic shame.
The bullies will need to find another victim for their projected self-hate and weak egos.
I love myself. I love other humans. I love to connect authentically. I’m not perfect, but I finally realize that I have never been the problem. Every single problematic relationship in my life is the result of Charming Bullies and their Flying Monkeys.
Charming Bullies (covert narcissists) use various weapons to control their victims, but the harshest one is exclusion from “the group”.
Most of us know the pain of exclusion from childhood, but exclusion by mature adults does far greater damage to the victim — whether the victim is a child or an adult. The greater the scapegoating, the greater the harm done. The more powerful the bully, the harder it is for the scapegoat to find allies.
Scapegoat = Often referred to as The Identified Patient, the Scapegoat is a person (or group of people) who is/are blamed for the wrongdoings, mistakes, or faults of others, especially for reasons of expediency.
People unknowingly become scapegoats when they threaten the weak egos of the most powerful bullies in a group. Charming Bullies don’t like to have their secrets revealed. If anyone threatens their delicate facades, they will strike back with their greatest weapons — triangulation and gossip — in order to turn their followers against the person that they have singled out as the cause of their discomfort.
Bullies manipulate their flying monkeys to gang up on the scapegoat. If the victim dares to defend themselves against the abuse, the bullies respond with more virulent attacks — sometimes disguised as concern for the victim, “Poor Anna, she really needs professional help. I feel so sorry for her, but I can’t take any more of her whining (vitriol, complaining, crying, anger…).”
The amount of suffering we experience in life is often determined by how much we are excluded from the communities we trusted to care for us — our families, our friends, our spritual communities. It can be very hard to see the abuse of Covert Narcissists because they often appear well-meaning, but when the victimization (scapegoating) get’s bad enough, it becomes very obvious to the scapegoat — and to human beings with secure attachment.
Therapists need to be well-versed in scapegoating abuse. They should be able to identify a scapegoat as someone who comes to therapy alone to deal with stressors in their relationships. Relationship problems can only be repaired when all the players are doing the work. Avoidance of therapy when a loved one is struggling is a huge red flag. Too many therapists miss this key concept in healing and allow their clients to suffer needlessly for years.
We are harmed in relationship with others and must heal in relationship with others.
It’s been a hard realization and has taken many years, but I’ve finally found the self-compassion to admit to myself that many of the people I thought were my people, have never been my people.
I’ve spent too much of my life trying to fit my square peg into endless round holes. I now know when I’m not wanted and am willing to walk away with my pride… with one major exception. There is one human that I can’t abandon to the cults that have destroyed my life. I’m finally free from the abuse of most, but my work will not be done until she is free as well.
The next step on my healing journey begins right now. The masks are off. The light at the end of the tunnel is a warm glow inviting me forward. I trust with my whole heart that I am finally on the right path.
It’s a helpful exercise to think of ourselves as stardust. We get one chance at this beautiful and painful thing we call life. Too many of us waste it in denial of our own mortality. Too many of us spend years unknowingly harming those we love.
When any of us suffer, we all suffer. Those of us who deny that will never escape the cage of fear and self-doubt. The deniers and avoiders will never truly feel safe.
Those of us who are wise enough to recognize our common humanity are able to experience compassion. Compassion is love in the face of suffering. When we suffer in community, we all suffer less.
“I promise you there is something worse out there than being sad, and that’s being alone and being sad.” — Ted Lasso
None of us are alone in this life. If you feel alone, find a new community. There are lots of good people out there — you just need to know what to look for. Stop walking on eggshells for anyone. Find your inner voice. Trust your instinct. Be your wonderful, authentic, imperfect Self. Choose kindness, and you will be treated in kind.
Gratitude. 🙏🏼
Compassion. ♥️
Stardust ⭐️
