“When someone spews something really hurtful, don’t pick it up and hold it and rub it in your heart and snuggle with it and carry it around for a long time. Don’t even put energy into kicking it to the curb. You gotta’ see it and step OVER it and go AROUND it and keep going.” — Brené Brown
What do we do when our heroes offer us conflicting advice? Do I follow Rumi and keep my gaze on my pain and suffering until I understand it and come to terms with it? Do I listen to Brené and step over or go around the pain when others are being abusive? Do I respect Kristin’s guidance and try to change the systems that are causing me and others harm?
Trauma creates so much confusion. It’s impossible to know who to trust to help.
I’ve come to understand that I need to trust myself before I can trust anyone else. It’s a process, but I’m learning to know my instincts. When I’m trapped in cognitive dissonance, I ask myself:
What would a Mama Bear do?
A Mama Bear always chooses courage over comfort. She doesn’t need to use her brain to make decisions about right and wrong — she protects herself and her cubs instinctively.
We need to be more like a mama bear. WWMBD?
I’ve focused my gaze on my bandaged places intensively for the past three years — ever since a psychiatric crisis had me circling the drain.
This is what I’ve learned about trauma:
- Pretending it doesn’t exist makes it worse.
- Allowing abuse fills us with shame.
- Shame turns us into bullies ourselves.
- The shame spiral devastates both oppressor and oppressed.
- The antidote to the shame of toxic narcissism is healthy narcissism.
Nurturing healthy narcissism is a daily practice. I’m getting really good at it as I attempt to protect my elderly mother from her abusers. It’s a hard fight. I’ve reached my limit again and again, but then I remember my inner Mama Bear.
WWMBD?
She would fight to the death to protect her cubs. That’s what I’m going to do as well.
Below is a partial transcript of a conversation that I had with my dying mother on June 22. If you want to know more about my fight for justice for my mother — and for every other vulnerable human being in the world, please reach out to me. My mother is currently at Central Vermont Medical Center in Berlin, Vermont.
As a compassionate daughter and nurse, I am doing my job to protect my daughter’s grandmother from further harm. Please join me in reaching out to Stephen Leffler, MD — president and CEO of The University of Vermont Medical Center — and ask him to do his job as well. Or to Charity Clark, the Attorney General of Vermont, and ask her to do her job.
Thank you — from all of us who are suffering.
T is me, M is my Mom — Elizabeth “Jay” Warren, DOB 6/14/1928. This conversation was recorded June 22, 2023 with my mother’s permission at Chestnut Place in Berlin, Vermont. The full recording has been sent to all interested parties (AG of VT, Senator Bernie Sanders, Senator Peter Welch, CVMC, and the NCEA — National Center on Elder Abuse). They can’t all keep ignoring me, can they?
9:56
T: I am not welcome at Bill’s house.
M: Bill and Connie’s??
T: I’m not allowed to stay there.
M: Since when.
T: 2 years
12:22
T: The reason they brought money this time is because I reported them to the state of Vermont
M: Oh….
T: Which is not good for you. It’s not good for me. It’s not good for anybody.
M: No, it’s not good for anybody. Have you straightened that out with Bill and Lee?
T: I’m working on it.
M: Good luck! [note sarcastic tone]
53:37
T: Bill and Lee have blocked me from your STCU bank account.
M: [laughter] Why??
T: You’ll have to ask them.
M: Wow.
T: I know. It’s kind of a bummer.
54:10
T: Mom, my problem is that I’m fighting against both Chestnut Place and my siblings.
M: Yeah
T: My goal is to take care of you so that you live the last of your life comfortably and happy.
M: OK. Good.
55:13
T: It’s getting kind of ugly.
M: Yes, it is.
55:44
T: I’m in a position where I can no longer help you. It makes me very sad, Mom.
M: Me too.
56:00
T: I am trying to protect you as I would want to be protected when I’m 95, but I can’t do it anymore. I’ve reached out to Carol Hunter. I’ve reached out to Chestnut Place. I’ve reached out to all 6 of my siblings: Bill, Lee, Carl, Jan, Lynn, and Chris; Dr Rodriguez, the doctor at the ER [at CVMC]. I can’t do it anymore.
M: Well there’s a limit.
T: Absolutely, and I have reached mine.
I guess I hadn’t reached my limit afterall. I became a Mama Bear when my instincts told me to do so. I won’t give up. I can’t give up.
