Inconsistency.
It keeps us all on edge — wondering, anticipating, anxious, uncertain. Who will you be today? Will you adore me or hurt me? Will you be present or absent? Will you praise me or shame me?
Will I be safe with you? Will you care if I’m not? Are you safe with yourself? Who are you? Who am I? Why are we here?
Inconsistent parenting is the worst kind of parenting. Unpredictable parents raise anxious and avoidant adolescents who grow up not knowing who they are or what they want out of life. The toxic cycle of unreliability continues through the generations as the anxiously-avoidant become doctors and lawyers and teachers and parents… so lost in cognitive dissonance that they have no idea they are harming themselves and all those around them with their lack of self-awareness and self-compassion.
Two-faced parents have become the norm because two-faced people have become the norm. We are a society of unpredictability and unreliablity. Trust is at an all-time low because authenticity is at an all time low. Few of us know who we are or what our needs are. We certainly don’t understand the needs of others. We can’t trust our parents or our bosses or our educators or our doctors or our therapists or our friends or our partners… we can’t trust ourselves.
Most of us are so unsure of who we are that we can’t even begin to explain our values or what we want out of life. We spend year after year going through the motions of growing up, totally unaware that we are unhappy and unfulfilled until it’s too late.
The lucky ones are those of us who have a breakdown that reveals the truth of our collective unrecognized misery. We are the ones most likely to escape the dissonance. We are the ones committed to healing the wounds and working towards a life of sustainable wholeness — a life of connection, creativity, and purpose.
The answer to our collective misery is balance: reliability with flexibility, consistency with accountability, yin self-compassion with yang self-compassion, assertiveness with gentleness, humility with pride, giving with accepting, wisdom with curiosity, kindness with boundaries.
Spontaneity and flexibility are wonderful. People who can balance spontaneity with reliability and accountability are a joy to be around — they are the dreamers and the creatives. They are the life-long learners who can play in the rain and wonder at a star-filled sky while assuring a predictable schedule to keep themselves and their loved-ones healthy. They are authentic in all their interactions, and they don’t shy away from conflict. They understand that suffering is part of the human condition, and they welcome suffering with humility and grace. They are good listeners as well as effective communicators. They don’t delay gratification, they prepare for it. They carry snacks, and bandaids, and sunscreen, and mittens, and condoms, and tampons, and bandanas, and cash for lemonade stands and buskers.
Real people are prepared for all life has to offer and are able to go with the flow when times are tough. They are the helpers and the healers. They trust themselves. They know who they can and can’t trust to be real alongside them. They are balanced.
Maturity means a balance between being prepared for whatever comes along with being open to whatever comes along.
Maturity is courageous. Maturity is curious. Maturity is confident. Maturity is considerate. Maturity is caring. Maturity is compassionate. Maturity is creative. Maturity is connected.
Lack of maturity is the opposite of all these attributes: cowardly, indifferent, insecure, inconsiderate, callous, cruel, unimaginative, disconnected.
What type of person do you want to be? What type of children do you want to raise?
If you don’t think you are the problem, you are almost certainly the problem. Only those lacking in self-compassion and self-awareness think they don’t need to change.
We all benefit from change (growth), and we all benefit when everyone around us is also invested in continual growth (change).
“Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.”
― Maya Angelou
