If you’re one of those people who think the words gaslighting or narcissist are overused, or if you think some people are too sensitive or take things too personally, you’re likely part of the problem.
Try to stay curious. Ask yourself where your discomfort lies.
Many of us suffer in silence in a haze of cognitive dissonance. We struggle to make sense of our worlds. We take on responsibility for abuse that is not ours to own. We end up traumatized and unsure of where to turn for help. Far too often we seek help from people and systems that cause us further harm.
A couple of friends of mine in narcissistically abusive relationships asked me to explain gaslighting to them. I sent them a version of the following description. They found it helpful. I thought it might help others as well.
The faster you can identify gaslighting abuse, the sooner you can remove yourself from harm’s way.
Here is a selection of gaslighting phrases… If you pay attention, you’ll start noticing them left and right. Let me know what you add to the list:
I was just joking.
You’re so sensitive.
I can’t say anything without you getting upset.
Stop overreacting.
Do we have to talk about this again?
That’s not what I said.
That’s not what I meant.
You just don’t understand.
Some people are just too sensitive.
I’ve been doing this for “xyz” years. (I know what I’m talking about. I’m smarter than you.)
You don’t know what you’re talking about.
I said I was sorry!
Why can’t you let anything go?
Get over it.
Get over yourself.
You’re a narcissist.
I’m so tired of this conversation.
I’m done talking about this.
Let it go.
Are you ever going to forgive me?
It’s not a big deal.
You’re so emotional.
Stop taking everything so personally.
It’s always all about you.
Nobody else has a problem with it.
You need to pray about it.
Have faith.
Everyone makes mistakes… lies… is dishonest…
Take the best and leave the rest.
Your thought is a cognitive distortion.
You’re paranoid.
You’re crazy.
You make me crazy.
I can’t take any more of this.
You’re fine. Stop… complaining, crying, making a big deal… (essentially stop doing whatever it is that is making them uncomfortable — most likely pointing out the Truth).
I could go on and on and on.
The Gaslighter’s goal is to silence their victim/s. The silent treatment (stonewalling) is their ultimate gaslighting weapon.
You are speaking your Truth and the Gaslighter is trying to shut you up because the truth is too painful for them to face.
We all say invalidating things to one another from time to time. The difference between occasional invalidation and gaslighting is that invalidation is a mistake and gaslighting is abuse.
Gaslighting comes from a place of debilitating shame.
Gaslighting is chronic (a character trait, not just an occasional behavior).
Here’s a good way to tell the difference:
If you call someone out on an invalidating statement/behavior and they take responsibility and make amends, they are not gaslighting. They just made a mistake that they’re willing to learn from.
If, on the other hand, they deny, deflect, defend — they are gaslighting. The key feature of gaslighting is to not take any responsibility for anything — which is why professional gaslighters will lie about the stupidest stuff and continue to double down to deny their dishonesty.
Here are some actual conversations I’ve experienced or witnessed. Once you can see it, you can’t unsee it. You can have some fun coming up with your own gaslighting conversations from your own life. You can look for gaslighting in media. When you get good at recognizing it, you can be brave and call it out whenever you witness it. That’s where our power lies, in awareness.
Gaslighters can’t give a straight answer to a simple question because they are habitual liars. They aren’t even aware they are lying or gaslighting. Many of them actually mean well. The gaslighters who mean well (therapists, teachers, parents…) are the ones that cause the most damage.
Intentional or not, well-meaning or not, gaslighting points to an extreme lack of self-awareness and no compassion.
Becoming self-aware is too painful for these people — it would mean having to admit to flaws. It would mean taking off the mask that they fight so hard to maintain to the outside world. These are the classic “two-faced” individuals who hide their true selves behind a mask of charm and charisma — while leaving a trail of destruction in their wake. Gaslighters and their Flying Monkeys remain trapped in a morass of cognitive dissonance. Their goal is to bring their victims down into the confusion, fear, and shame in which they live.
Cognitive dissonance is a mental conflict that occurs when your beliefs don’t line up with your actions. It’s an uncomfortable state of mind when someone has contradictory values, attitudes, or perspectives about the same thing.
Being on the receiving end of chronic gaslighting leads to complex-PTSD and is often unseen unless the victim suffers a breakdown and gets authentic, compassionate help. Unfortunately, compassionate help is not always easy to come by.
Gaslighting runs rampant in the mental healthcare system and the mindfulness movement.
So many of us with debilitating diagnoses (bipolar, borderline, anxiety, depression…) end up trapped in the crazy because professionals don’t understand trauma, much less complex-trauma. According to Pete Walker, all mental illness is acutually complex-PTSD. In my understanding, virtually all complex-PTSD is the result of chronic gaslighting abuse.
Post-traumatic stress is a natural, healthy response to a traumatic situation. PTS becomes a disorder only if the trauma is not adequately validated and processed. It is gaslighting that gets in the way of processing trauma. Gaslighting from professionals and systems that are supposed to be helping us process the trauma only pushes us deeper into the darkeness.
The antidote to complex-PTSD is Compassion. Compassion is the opposite of gaslighting.
Victims of gaslighting abuse ARE NOT CRAZY! We are the sane ones who see the truth and call the lies out for what they are. We suffer a great deal for calling out the lies — but in the end, if we can tell our stories and receive validation in return, we win. We understand that the abuse is real. We understand that we aren’t crazy. We can see the cognitive dissonance for what it is. With practice we can learn to identify the gaslighters before they can cause us too much harm.
Victims of gaslighting abuse are empowered when they can see the Truth of the abuse. The healing comes in sharing our stories with others who understand the darkness. The healing comes with validation. The healing comes with compassion.
We are in good company. Here are some famous heros who have stood up for what’s right despite the enormous costs.
Meghan Markle (& Harry), Monica Lewinsky, Anita Hill, Mahatma Gandhi, César Chávez, Nelson Mandela, Rigoberta Menchú, Nelson Mandela, MLK, Desmond Tutu, Malala Yousafzai…
Contrast these names with their abusers (mostly white, mostly men, and/or mostly privleged). Which camp would you rather be in? ALL the abusers in the cases above are individuals and systems that utilize gaslighting to maintain their power. Gaslighters travel in packs and become each others’ Flying Monkeys — which is how they wield power over the rest of us despite their abusive behavior.
People who are complacent in the face of abuse are complicit. It’s why I have no patience with people who defend the abusers.
I have a particular, very personal, disrespect for people who defend President Bill Clinton — especially if they demonstrate disrespect towards President Jimmy Carter. The President you prefer tells me everything I need to know about your character.
The current Meghan & Harry versus The Institution story is a perfect example of just how gaslighting abuse plays out on a global level. The Royals and all their supporters/defenders (especially the media) are abusive. Meghan & Harry fought back against the abuse and are accused of being narcissists — by the exact people and sytems who abused them! Joanna Weiss’s entire click-bait article is gaslighting abuse. Who is the real narcissist here?
Only fellow gaslighters defend gasligters. Anyone without an opinion on the matter is complicit. Not taking a side is taking a side.
We MUST take sides. Fierce-compassion obligates us to speak up in the face of injustice. Let’s not allow the gaslighters to win. It’s time we dig deep on our compassion and our courage to protect ourselves and each other from the bullies.
