Words Matter — DEFERENCE, RESPECT, DISRESPECT — Please Don’t Confuse Them
Were you raised to be a deferential child? Did you submit to anyone with power over you? Were you docile and compliant? More importantly, did your friendliness and conformity hide rage and fear that you were not allowed to express to anyone, much less to authority figures? Do you struggle with anxiety and lack of self-confidence as an adult?
This was me. This is my daughter. This is far too many young men and women in our chaotic, disconnected society. Without authentic assertiveness, we become the Clueless-Naive Flying Monkeys to anyone who looks at us the wrong way, and we lose all ability to respect ourselves, much less anyone else. We live on constant eggshells that become glass shards the further we sink into complaisance and surrender.
“A readiness or willingness to yield to the wishes of others.”
We are the “good girls” and “sweet boys” of the world. Few of us are leaders because our society doesn’t value kindness. Instead, we value power and prestige over people. Anyone who dares to value each and every human being is squashed by everyone who deems themselves more deserving.
Toxic Flying Monkeys wield their power to keep themselves and their masters in charge of the rest of us.
Unfortunately, bullying runs rampant in our society. People are rewarded for being assholes, and the more charming the bully, the more dangerous they are.
If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to be shy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn to be patient.
If children live with praise, they learn to appreciate.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with security,
they learn to have faith in themselves and others.
If children live with friendliness,
they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.
If children live with deference they learn to comply.
If children live with disrespect they learn to resent.
If children live with respect they learn to value themselves and others.
If we didn’t have the opportunity to learn the difference between deference and respect as children, it is up to us to learn it as adults. If we don’t, we are doomed to a life of servitude (victimhood) or bullying (demanding deference) or both — a lonely life where we are are subservient to those with more power and demand subservience from those with less.
Deference is false (coerced) respect. When we are chronically deferential to the people we don’t respect, we often behave with disrespect towards the people who care about us most. This becomes the “hurt people hurt people” cycle of toxic shame. The only way out of the vicious cycle is by practicing self-respect, a critical component of fierce self-compassion (healthy narcissism).
Step one towards recovery is recognizing the problem for what it is. Step two is looking towards the people we genuinely respect and using them as role models (not using them as narcissistic supply, which is what bullies do). When I made a list of the people I trust & respect most in the world I discovered common behavior patterns in my father, my maternal grandmother, my paternal grandfather, Jane Goodall, Desmond Tutu, Fred Rogers, Chanel Miller, Monica Lewinsky, my life coach, my best friend…
- Kindness, not “niceness”
- Assertiveness
- Self-respect
- A growth mindset (always questioning, always learning)
- Humility
- Grace
- Accountability
The opposite patterns were evident in all of the people in my life who have done me and my loved ones harm.
- Niceness, not kindess
- Cowardice hidden behind false bravado
- Self-delusion
- A fixed mindset (fear of change, defensive, denying)
- Entitlement
- Disrespect, rudeness
- Unaccountability (inability to admit mistakes)
Who would you rather be? Who would you rather be with? Who do you want your children to be?
Do you want your children to be just like you (deferential and anxious) or do you want them to be like the people who have harmed you (entitled and demanding of deference)? I certainly don’t want either of those things for my daughter. I want her to be her — “better” (happier, more fulfilled) than either of us are right now. I would like her to be more like I was at her age — confident, adventurous, connected, courageous, happy, hopeful.
At almost 60 years old I’m trying to get back to the amazing person I was in my 20s, only wiser.
Here’s the best advice I would have given to my younger self: Dream big, but choose friends and partners more wisely. Look to people you resepct and be deferential to nobody. Make sure others care as much about your wishes (dreams) as you care about theirs. Make sure you care more about (prioritize) YOURSELF and that they care more about (prioritize) THEMSELVES whenever appropriate. Make sure friends, partners, bosses, therapists, doctors, teachers… know that your needs come first and that their wants are secondary if their wishes conflict with your needs. Make sure that everyone else you interact with is interested in relating (connecting) and not in controlling (being right). If they insist on being right, let them… and then walk away.
Anyone who insists on being right is trying to control you. They are rarely doing it intentionally. Their “need” to “win” arguments comes from a place of fear and lack of respect. The best thing you can do for people who insist that the earth is flat or that vaccines cause autism or that sexual assault is not a major problem or that narcissism is always bad or that SSRIs are harmless or that bipolar disorder is a brain disease… is to attempt to set a boundary (hold them accountable). If they refuse to be held accountable, allow them to stay stuck in their fixed worldview and find someone else who believes in themselves and in you — someone who wants to share in the joys & suffering of being human, someone more like YOU.
