My Wife Took Everything From Me But Acts Like I Gave Her Nothing
Gratitude is everything. Showing it lets the people we care about know how much their actions mean to us. That doesn’t just mean saying thank you, though it certainly doesn’t hurt. It means genuinely appreciating everything someone gives you because every act of kindness matters.
My ex-wife does not do that on any level. She does not appreciate the sacrifices of others, particularly the ones I made during our almost 20 year relationship. It makes me wonder why I put her first and if I will ever do that in another relationship.
The Giver and the Taker
I would be lying if I said that my ex-wife doesn’t have a lot of good qualities. Honestly, she’s exceptional at her job. She’s also an incredible baker and has an impressive creative side, though she doesn’t always let it out to play. And she can be a lot of fun to hang out with.
Unfortunately, her negative personality traits tend to outweigh her good ones rather dramatically. She can be incredibly selfish and focused almost entirely on herself. She rarely stops to think about how her words and actions impact people, often for the worse. She’s shockingly bad at putting other people ahead of herself. That includes our kids.
To be blunt, I don’t know that she’s a narcissist. That being said, the woman definitely has some narcissistic tendencies, which I’m sure you guessed based on my description. The problem is that people with even the slightest narcissistic tendencies tend to take a lot for themselves. When you’re a giver without real boundaries, that’s a bad combination.
That definitely is an issue for me. I have been working hard to set boundaries and not let people take advantage of my nature. That’s when my wife started pulling away from me. Once I started questioning where I fit in our relationship and life plans, she began to pull away.
Not Even a Thank You
During the course of our relationship, I put her first in virtually every situation. My dreams and goals took a backseat to hers as she spent years constructing the life she claimed she wanted. Once she had it, she then declared it wasn’t good enough and began creating a new life for herself.
She has never acknowledged this on any level. Frankly, all she’s ever really done is complain about everything she didn’t get out of our relationship. Not surprisingly, there have been no thank yous for everything I did for her and no apologies for the pain she caused me. I don’t expect any, either.
I genuinely do not think she even sees any of this. Simply put, she’s not capable of seeing the world from a perspective other than her own. That’s not uncommon, but it’s also unfortunate. She misses out on a lot by not being able to move past herself.
In case you’re wondering, I have thanked her for her few positive impacts on my life and the good times we had together. I have also acknowledged the role I played in our marriage falling apart. It does take two people build and destroy a marriage after all. No one is perfect, including me. That doesn’t excuse her lying to me and cheating on me, though.
Setting Real Boundaries
I’ve learned a lot in the past few years. I don’t wait for people to say thank you or I’m sorry. Those phrases don’t really mean anything in the long run. I don’t deify women, anymore. And I’m certainly not afraid of being alone. In fact, I prefer it at this point.
But the biggest lesson I learned is how important healthy boundaries are. My ex-wife was able to take advantage of me for so long because I allowed her to. I should have stood up for myself in a more positive way years earlier. She likely would have left then, which would have been for the best.
If I do end up in another relationship, I will still be kind, giving, and supportive, but there will be limits. I have things I want out of life that I put on the proverbial back burner for my ex-wife. It left me feeling stagnant and directionless. I won’t make that mistake again.
Any woman I date, and possibly even marry, has to be prepared to put as much into our relationship as I do. Round two for me will not be as one-sided as round one. And if I don’t meet a woman who can get on board with that, I’m more than content living life alone and on my terms.
