Very Few Marriages are “Happy” and That’s Okay
Anyone in a marriage seems to want a happy one. They think they’re supposed to wake up every morning with a smile on their face, ready to love their partner even more than they did before. That sounds more like a cult than a marriage.
In truth, the vast majority of marriages are not happy ones. Two completely different adults, often with loud kids involved, crammed into a house sounds like a recipe for disaster. Being married is a lot of hard work that isn’t always successful. It’s time acknowledge that being unhappy in a marriage isn’t abnormal or something to be ashamed of.
Getting Married is Crazy
When you stop and really think about it, getting married is absolutely nuts. The practice started more for economic and political reasons, then changed into something much different. Now, people are expected to “fall in love” and “find their better halves.”
The problem is that greeting card, romcom nonsense doesn’t take into account the fact marriage isn’t anything like that. We are literally talking about two completely different people legally binding themselves to each other and saying that’s it for the rest of their lives.
Have you ever had a roommate? One you’re not related to or in a relationship with? Yeah, it can be a whole thing, particularly if you’re not really careful about selecting that roommate. Now, legally attach yourself to that person and agree never to have sex with anyone else.
Marriage is two roommates who are taking the whole thing way too far and are supposedly in love with each other. People fall out of love. What was once cute become irritating. Yeah, things can take a left turn really fast if you’re not careful and that’s where the work comes in.
Marriage Takes Work
Anyone who says that marriage is effortless or some bull shit like that is straight up lying to your face. It’s hard work to be married to someone, and one side is often a lot less happy than the other. The worst part is those feelings often go undiscussed, leading to that marriage falling apart.
The main job that needs to be done is communication. Yeah, that’s a big ol’ cliché but it’s true. A marriage without real communication where people actually deal with problems is doomed. Period. There is no problem in a relationship that goes away by ignoring it.
To be completely blunt, the absolute bare minimum required to achieve a remotely functional marriage is open lines of communication. The vast majority of marriages absolutely fail at that. Why? Because we’re people and we all communicate differently, if at all.
If you manage to get your issues in the open, then you get to start working on them. The process of making concessions and compromises begins, which most people like even less than talking about their problems in the first place. There’s a reason most marriages aren’t happy.
So?
Who cares if your marriage isn’t a happy one? Happiness is an emotional concept we ascribe far too much meaning and importance to. We get so upset about not being “happy” that we ruin whatever positivity already exists in our lives in search of it.
Being content with your life is not only more realistic and achievable, it’s much easier to maintain. So, aim to be content in your marriage. You’re still going to have good days and bad days. That’s just how things work. But if you keep aiming for unachievable happiness, then you hit a new problem.
There’s no bigger waste of emotional capital than feeling bad about feeling bad. You’re already down because of marital problems. Then, you compound that by beating yourself up because you can’t make your marriage work. And you make it worse by feeling bad about all of that.
It’s a self-destructive emotional feedback loop that ends poorly. With effort, this too shall pass. You are capable of working though these problems. If your partner isn’t interested, you are also capable of moving on. Sometimes, the happiest marriage is the one that ends.
