Through My Eyes…
“…I wish I could show you, when you are lonely or in darkness, the astonishing light of your own being…” ~Hafiz of Shiraz
When friends are going through a rough patch, one of my favorite sayings to them is “If you could only see yourself through my eyes…” It may be a modified version of the Hafiz quote for all I know; it resonates well with my attempts to break the mental logjam in perspective. I mention it to convey a simple message: you are stronger, more beautiful and inspirational than you currently envision.
The notion resurfaced recently when I read the Nib’s latest cartoon, “Women By the Numbers”. More frequently, I have been seeing the statistic found at the top of the piece that 91% of women have some form of body image issue. I don’t know exactly where the figure comes from; I tried to track it down but if true, it saddens me. As a man and a lifetime admirer of the female form in all its shapes and sizes, I would like to figure out collectively how we can lower this terribly high number and fast. Not only for current generations of women but for the impressionable girls who will join them. Behind this nebulous fact is a lot of pain, suffering and self-loathing hidden in the shadows that does not need to exist.
So who am I to pick up the mantle for more self-acceptance efforts by the fairer sex? Just an ordinary, middle-aged guy who happens to have been blessed as a brother, uncle, cousin, BFF to a handful of extraordinary women and most importantly a loving husband. Tragically I lost my mid-30s wife to a rare cancer (for her age) last year. During my partner’s last three years of life, the treatments she bravely endured altered her body in dramatic ways. As is typical with cancer meds, physical changes included swings from minus to plus 25% of body weight, near complete hair loss, swelling in extremities, steroid induced puffy “chipmunk cheeks”, and skin dryness & breakdown. Through it all, not for a moment did I think my wife had lost any of the beauty outside (or inside) that attracted me to her initially. Brush it off as the blindness and power of love which is true to a great degree but that wasn’t it entirely. I have similar admiration for many of the women in my life whether living ordinary lives or having gone through significant challenges; there is an inherent beauty in bravely forging ahead no matter what life throws in the way. Society demands a lot from women — life partner, mother, employer/employee, daughter (to aging parents), friend — very often in synchronicity. And women have a flair for negotiating life’s turbulent seas in a nonplussed manner externally even when there is turmoil (or significant work in progress) within. I chalk it up to heightened emotional skills. But back to the body image focus.
On any given day, women are divine creatures. The way they saunter down the street so elegantly in a perfectly silhouetted dress and heels to a special dinner. Or plod home after a hard gym workout with their hair in a loose bun exposing their glistening necks. And every seemingly routine activity in between. No matter if a man is young or old, partnered or not, I guarantee his heart skips a beat during these daily sightings. And even with the significant physicality of our thoughts, men know implicitly that a woman is so much more than how many inches around the waist & hips, what cup size, long or short legs, booty or not. Most assuredly, on the inside of this beguiling vision is a laundry list of intelligence, mystery, allure, emotional depth, the ability to comfort with a word or touch, nurturing anyone who needs it and so on.
As it relates to pregnant women specifically, and I bring it up due to one incident in the past, I once was having a random conversation with a male acquaintance. He began to make disparaging remarks about how women’s bodies change in dramatic fashion during the prenatal period. I had one of those infrequent gobsmack moments when you look at a person and can’t believe what has come out of his/her mouth. I had no response, only an uncomfortable silence prevailed. I wanted to say, “Good G-d man, do you understand expecting mothers are at one of their pinnacles of feminine beauty? Everything about how their bodies change is a miracle and to be revered for the selfless sacrifice they choose to make. To hell with their seemingly biological imperative, this is something rarified for every woman who chooses to put herself through it.” From my vantage point, when push comes to shove, men will always be in awe and envious of women’s talents in this area. Anything else is ignorance of the inherent loveliness and strengths of those expecting.
One of my favorite actresses, Lauren Bacall, said, “I think your whole life shows in your face and you should be proud of that.”
Bacall was the embodiment of a timeless woman: fierce, dignified, unapologetic, realistic, grounded and weathered mightily by life’s travails. I believe we should project her message on to the female form completely. May I suggest women use the temerity of Bacall’s words to nurture more feelings of beauty, divinity, wisdom, resilience and love for the person reflected back from the mirror? There is every reason to do so while standing tall and proud.
Here are various contributions by others working to eliminate the negativity. Please add yours by commenting!
Maya Angelou’s “Phenomenal Woman” poem
The 4th Trimester Bodies Project
Mind Body Green on the WE.WOMEN exhibition in Lithuania
Lizzie Velasquez’s inspiring TED speech, “How do you define yourself?”
Full Body Project by Leonard Nimoy
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First image from the beautiful work of Scott Richard
PRIOR POSTS
- “Walk Away…”
(Read by 64 people) - “Whenever I See You…”
(Read by 49 people) - “Open Questions for a Heart Which Can’t Be…”
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