Parenting Does Not Define You — It Expands You
Losing myself to motherhood, and finding myself again.
I used to be a complex person —fully engaged in life. I had opinions that I would eagerly defend to anyone who would engage in a respectful debate.
I had piercings, tattoos, and for a short time, blue hair.
I was curious about the world, about people, and pretty much anything that came across my path. I was young and everything was still in front of me. My whole life an adventure, waiting to be experienced.
Now — I’m a middle-aged homeschooling mother. I attend church, wear modest clothes, and always seem to be surrounded by children. I don’t drink, smoke (who does anymore?), or curse.
When my kids ask me what super-power I wish I could have, I usually say invisibility.
The only strong opinions I have left are about homeschool curriculum. I can’t finish a thought, much less defend a point-of-view. I no longer trust my own voice.
Where did I go?
Hiding Behind the Children
Starting a family sounded like a grand adventure. I was not prepared for the identity struggle that comes along with it.
When you are holding a child, no one sees you. They see your beautiful baby.
When your child misbehaves, no one sees your child. They see a reflection of your parenting.
I had no parenting skills when I left my job to be at home with my new baby. Most people don’t, at first. Confidence and determination propelled me forward.
I knew I could learn to be a good mother. The best mother. This was my new life mission and I threw myself at the challenge.
I built a network of other mothers going through the same journey. When our kids were babies, the conversation always centered around parenting. That was what we had in common and it seemed to be the only thing we could think about in our sleep-deprived state. I lost touch with any other topic that used to hold my interest. Motherhood consumed my thoughts.
As they grew older, I became used to being invisible behind my children. Talking to other people became painful and I preferred to hide. My confidence was low, brain fog was high, and I struggled to think for myself. I had nothing to add to the conversation.
Anxiety grew.
My sense of self became completely intertwined with my children. If they were good — I was good. If they misbehaved, my response was under scrutiny. Did I react as a good mother should? Is my parenting at fault?
In my mind, my parenting determined my value as a person. All of my energy was dedicated to parenting.
It got to the point that I struggled to interact with people in any way that didn’t involve my kids. I worried constantly that I was going to let my kids down. This was no way to live.
Finding the Truth
When I let parenting define me, I limited my potential as a person. Parenting should not define who I am, it should be an expansion of the woman I’m becoming.
A life consumed with one thing is not natural. It’s not surprising that I’m discontent with an identity based solely on parenting. I am not a one-dimensional character on a tv show; I’m a complex, multifaceted person.
The truth is, my parenting is fine and I didn’t let my kids down. I let myself down.
I focused too much on one thing without developing the rest of myself. I was under the impression that being a good mom would be enough to fulfill me.
I thought that is was ok to sacrifice all other things, because parenting is important.
I heard someone say today that they give 100% to their children, even if they only want 20%. That’s me.
Being a mother brings me joy. I am so thankful for my children and I wouldn’t trade them for anything. But motherhood, all by itself, does not fulfill me. It needs to be one piece of a larger puzzle.
If I become a one-dimensional character in my own story, what kind of an example am I setting for my children? It’s not good enough for me, and it’s not good enough for them.
It’s time I broadened myself. I’m not in a hurry, this is part of life after all. Finding and losing yourself, then doing it again.
You are part of my journey. The writing is filling me out. Every story I write brings a little piece of myself to the surface. I am finding myself again.
