To control without control — Ep2
The problem of the disaster within
This thing called control, have always been a hard word for me. Over the years I found myself grappling frantically for a means of control…maybe it was because of my search for recognition, a sense of belonging of a feeling of being wanted, loved, valued…maybe I may never know. Showing vulnerability where I should not, not creating boundaries because it felt nice and kind, not knowing where to start or when to stop no matter how much I tried. I felt sad when people mistreated me but I never knew that it was all up to me. I let my guard down being a “people pleaser” especially when no one is pleased. I did not know what to say Yes to nor how to say No, maybe I did in my heart but never out loud. Years later, I found out why… I was never in control.
I had to find out through my life experiences as an after-effect if what I wanted to say was “yes” or “no”. Hence, I have learnt some life lessons.
The Issue of Control
The word control means; to exercise influence over someone or something or,dictate the behavior of something. It simply means dominion. Finding the meaning of this word, answered all the questions I have been asking myself — what is control, when to control, how to control, why to control and most importantly, can we ever truly and fully control, our feelings, our emotions, people, situations?
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I realized that I was lost, trapped under the influence of people — voices, opinions news, whether good or bad which never concerned me.I felt sad when people mistreated me but never asking, why? I was not myself, I did not know what I liked or disliked, wanted or needed except it came from public opinions, I mean majority carry the vote they say…even when it’s your life! For this, I hated myself and without this I resented myself.
Pulling away and blocking those channels was hard, but so was staying there. I took time during the holidays to ponder and reflect on myself, the kind of relationship I have with me and how it affects every single thing. I came to some fundamental discoveries, that no matter what:
- We are always in control
- We are never in control
- We can control anything without being in actual control
The Truth we always knew but disapproved.
- We are always in control of ourselves, it does not matter if you beg to differ! The only person we could ever control is ourselves; the way we think, the way we feel,our expectations from ourselves, our expectations from others, our daily habits, our discipline,our reaction — to circumstances, people, events, things. Everything including our minds, souls and bodies. I understood how my thoughts and imaginations shaped my feelings, creating perceived reactions — when someone made a snide remark it always affected my self-esteem;turns out the whole time they were not addressing me. Control can only stem or flow from within; any other thing is simply deceit. Making peace with that gave me peace.
- We are never in control of the things beyond ourselves. The things beyond ourselves are simply beyond our control — Peoples’ opinions, attitudes and idiosyncrasies about us, deaths, ill health, accidents, life,fate and nature. Just like us, people are their own beings and with being human comes autonomy — something we could curb but never extinguish. Deaths,ill health, accidents, life, fate and nature are all laws of nature that we can never transient except,we abide by its rule of accordance. When it comes to fate, I mean not every plan goes as planned; often than not it was something beyond my reach. I noticed that this things had one thing in common;they were all external. I could only determine my reaction and choose my response wisely.
- We can only control our being hence,we can control everything — by controlling our own selves.Whether by action,inaction or reaction,decision or indecision; to control, is a choice we must always make,a choice we always choose. Whenever something did not go as planned or could not for some reasons push through, i had to learn resilience — the mental ability to recover from misfortune and still continue.
