Remorse
This is the 3rd day of a chronicle of a 14-day meditation retreat at the Pa Auk Tawya in Pyin Oo Lwin, Myanmar. Published days are available via the links below:
Day Five — The Power Sublime Abiding
No need to read in order. Depending on what interests you, there will be days that you definitely don’t want to explore. Maybe this is one of those days? The cover photo may provide some insight into the content here. Anyway…
Note: In editing my chronicle, I have added supplemental information about Pali terms and Buddhist concepts to attempt to make the experience easier to read. Please check the links and do further research always. There is a lot to understand and I still consider myself among the Dhamma uninitiated.
3:00 AM — My alarm didn’t go off. Yet, I was barely asleep. My tummy was in serious trouble. I farted all night. All that good food went wrong.
Even before arriving, my stomach wasn’t in the best shape. Maybe it was the homemade ginger beer I was experimenting with in Korea. Regardless, I barely got any rest.
4:30 AM — I am guessing at the time because I was in a panic. I thought that the drama of 3 AM would be the worst of this retreat, especially after the relief of a bowel movement. I was wrong…
Shame
Before I could decently conclude the first sitting of the day, I knew I had to find a toilet. Shortly after chanting, I rush out of the meditation hall. The only toilet I knew of was in my kuti. That was approximately a mile away based on my understanding of distances at the average gait.
Sadly, this diarrhea could not be contained. It exploded like Chernobyl on the way to my Kuti. Luckily I found a bush on the side of the road to contain the detritus.
That was a most humbling experience. In all my years, I’ve never done that. I hung my head in shame all day.[1]
6:30 AM — It’s breakfast time. This time I am extremely timid in the dining hall. I was still hemorrhaging unwholesome stuff from my stomach.
One must eat though. If I don’t get a certain minimum number of calories in a day, I get truly sick.
I had to be wise. I maxed out on plain white rice, congee (a rice gruel that people often think is Chinese, it is actually ancient Indian), and some dal fry.
Rice is safe, and congee is really good for a weak constitution. I was questioning my judgment when I loaded up on dal fry. Beans give you gas, and delicious dal fry is always super oil.
I couldn’t resist it though. I’m a dal fry addict and I had to flavor my rice with something anyway. My upekkhā (the Pali word for “equanimity”) towards food is at best über nascent. [2]
Adapt
The incessant diarrhea made me realize inviting my mom to join me here was a ridiculous idea. What would I do if she got really sick?
There’s tissue here. It’s doled out on the tables in the dining hall. There is no tissue in the bathrooms though. Could she adapt to no tissue in the bathroom?
This is a cultural difference. When I was in Cuba in 2000, there was no toilet tissue paper either, but that was because tissue was truly scarce.
Anyway… Silly me. I forgot to pack toilet tissue. I should have known better as an experienced traveler. Sadly, I’d been spoiled by opulent Shanghai, material Tokyo, and fashionable Seoul. I should have had toilet tissue on my packing list, but it has been a few years since my last pilgrimage to a Burmese forest monastery.
I recall that the toilets at the Pa Auk Tawya in Mawlamyine were always equipped with one of these bad boys (see spigot below).
As a spoiled kid growing up in Jamaica, toilets were equipped with different facilities for cleaning up.
I remember the first time I was challenged to use that fella to clean up. I suddenly got Islam. Even bowing (instead of shaking hands) made magnificent sense to me. To this day, I wish I got some private instructions on how to clean up the Burmese way. I’m still winging it.
11:00 AM — Fortunately, just before lunch my patience returned. Prior to those last thirty minutes of the sitting before lunch, I was being over analytical and striving.
I’m at peace with it all now, but it is crazy to observe your mind obsess. I obsess. I see it clearly. I also see clearly how cavalier I am. I jump in head first and think effort alone will do the trick. It is a terrible habit to possess. I hope training will help me to overcome this.
Interview with the Pa Auk Sayadaw
During my second interview, the Sayadaw explained that you should keep your “mind” at the touching point. That clarification made a lot of sense to me today.
Bhikkhu Kusala Dhama captured yesterday’s interview and uploaded it here —
[1] Ottapa is the Pali word for shame. It is supposed to be a beautiful universal (or sobhana sādhārana in Pali). I am now confused about beautiful universals because there was nothing beautiful about how I was feeling.
[2] My goal in training ānāpānasati is to get to a state where I am possessed solely of the upekkha and ekaggatā jhana factors. Ekaggatā is Pali for one-pointedness of mind.
Professor Zumbi is a certified Capoeira teacher. He received his teaching qualification in the presence of great Capoeira masters like Mestre Suassuna and Mestre Acordeon. Zumbi organizes Capoeira Retreats that conclude with an introduction to Ānāpānasati at a highly acclaimed meditation center.
Professor Zumbi is not a meditation teacher and this is not a meditation guide. Zumbi’s meditation articles are written to share thoughts and personal experiences. Please find a qualified teacher if you want to undertake Ānāpānasati. Follow your teacher and forget everything you’ve read here.
