On Not Knowing and Hope
It is 5 A.M. in the morning. I am lying in my bed with my eyes wide open, staring into the darkness that has engulfed my room. Throughout the night, I didn’t sleep a bit. I got stood up by it once again. It has been like this for eight months now, and I don’t know what to do about it. I tried therapy, but it only worked for a week or two. If sleep were a commodity like tissue paper, available at a local shop, I would be hoarding it right now.
Lately, I feel like I have lost control over my life. It seems like I don’t have a plan. The future feels overwhelming, and I can’t get hold of the past. All of my dreams remain unaccomplished, and my life is changing colors faster than a chameleon. Sometimes, I feel like I am running around like a headless chicken. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing?, where the fuck I’m going, which path I’m choosing?
Career-wise I hit a roadblock. I need to make a decision that would seriously impact my future, whether to go for a Ph. D. abroad or take up a job in some company.
To be honest, I am not ready for either of them. I desperately need a break. I just want to go on a vacation, and do nothing. I want to sit on the beach, feel the sun, read those books that I wanted to for so long, drink some wine and just relax.
You know what, I am only kidding myself by daydreaming about all that, but the truth is I can’t do any of that stuff. Sooner or later, I have to make up my mind about my future, and it is seriously stressing me out.
The other day I was talking to an old friend of mine, who currently is grinding and hustling his way in the U.S. At some point in our conversation, we started talking about our future plans. He started to explain to me his five-year plan in vivid detail.
Though I acted like I was listening, but inwardly I was envious. In my mind, I was like, “For Fuck Sake, Piss Off, Man!! Not this again!!” Don’t get me wrong. I am not envious of my friend. I was in envy about his plan, his telling me how his life would pan out in the next five years.
I am perpetually amazed by such people. Those who answer dreadful questions like, What’s next? Where do you see yourself in five years? with unabashed confidence, like they’re onto something…They know! Oh, they know!
But what do I know?
I don’t even know whether I’ll get sleep tonight or if I’ll have breakfast tomorrow morning. It is in these moments I pause and wonder, How? How do people live with a sense of certainty in this uncertain world? I just don’t get it, and moreover, it’s that smug clarity that others seem to have, and I don’t.
Like, really, am I missing something here? I feel like I have lost that sense of purpose in my life. I have this constant sinking feeling of not knowing, and it’s killing me from inside.
All I can do for now is be resilient. I know this is just a phase in my life, and these times too shall pass. I know that I have put in a lot of effort. I’ve struggled through days and nights to be where I am today, and I don’t want to lose it. It’s like I am halfway across the river, the shore is in my sight, but I am too tired to swim, and lost my sense of direction. I cannot stop swimming now, or else I know I will drown. I have to stay afloat and keep on swimming to reach the other side of the river. How can I stay afloat, you ask? It’s through HOPE.
As Emily Dickinson once said:
“Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all.” — Emily Dickinson
Hope begins in the darkness
And shines as a ray of light.
It is stubborn.
If you can just show up
and do the right thing,
the dawn will arrive.
It whispers, “Try one more time; you’ll overcome this hardship.”
It re-assures you by saying that “life will only improve.”
It assists the sick to get well and encourages them to recover
by saying that “you’ll get better.”
It comforts the dying and gives them the courage to face the unknown
by saying that “there’s life beyond death.”
It provides the power of faith by instilling the will to believe
And motivates us to persevere through life.
Hope is not wishful thinking, nor is it magical thinking. Hope is an emotion, a mindset, a belief, a motivation, that despite setbacks and obstacles, despite hardship and misfortune, despite the unknown last chapter of your life’s story, you believe that your life will work out, that when you take your last breath, there is something else beyond this world.
I have to be hopeful and trust the process. I should live in the moment by taking one step, one day at a time. I know I cannot be everywhere at once so, I have to prioritize and work accordingly. Despite the adversity, I should visualize a positive outcome and keep at it. I know I can do this.
Lastly, quoting Maya Angelou (though it may be slightly out of context, but you get it, right!)
“You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I’ll rise.”
Inspired by Kern Carter’s following pieces
Call For Submissions — Searching For Hope | by Kern Carter | CRY Magazine | Nov, 2021 | Medium
No, I Don’t Need A Break. I’m almost there… | by Kern Carter | Dec, 2021 | Medium
and Drashti Shroff’s My Journey Towards Unbecoming. I am in the phase of knowing myself… | by Drashti Shroff | CRY Magazine | Nov, 2021 | Medium
