To: GlennTTTT
Fm: DriveBri
Subject: Hey buddy!
Dear Glenn,
It’s been a week since it happened, but I am still shaking after saving your life! Thank you, Dr. Heimlich, right? And how lucky are you that I came to…
From: DriveBri
Subject: About me
Shit, Glenn, I had no sooner hit “send” on my first email (first of many, bro!) when I realized that with me saving your life at the reunion, I never got to catch you up on what’s going on in…
Subject: RE: About me
My man! Great to hear back from you at long last! And your email — I’m printing it out and framing it, right next to my “Soar With The Eagles” picture of me and the whole Captive Audience…
Subject: Re: Re: About me
What a day. Why is it so hard, Glenn? Love, I mean. I wish it were a puzzle that had an answer, like the “Celebrity Scramble” in our pre-show packages. (Kyle wanted to rename it…
Subject: Re: Re: Re: About me
You haven’t written back in a while — not that I’m keeping track — but I’m so excited about this idea I had for a new Captive Audience Solutions pre-movie game that I have to take…
Subject: Jane
Thanks for the email. But I can’t believe you were so worried I was going to try to sleep with your ex! Haha. You divorced guys have some pretty crazy obsessions. Like, when my brother got…
Subject: About My Romance
Okay, so I’m writing this having just implemented the beginning of a devious plan that I’ve coded-named “Operation Get Nicole Back.” See, my overall jaunty tone and appearance…
Subject: Damage Control
Rest easy, I handled it. Had to do some fancy footwork, but I think I managed to get control of the sitch (situation).
Subject: Lazy Thursday!
Lazy Thursday! Just me (and you!) here in the office since my “bro” Kyle talked me into letting him go to his parents’ summer house with A.J. One way to look at it is he’s made me appear…
Subject: The art of writing — a craftsman’s perspective
Lazy Friday! Except for us writing stiffs, right amigo (friend)? Thanks for your suggestions about the main character in my screenplay! When you said my…
Subject: You are so lucky, Glenn.
It may not seem like it now, wifeless and (according to Jane) with your hairline and career shrinking almost daily. But at least you’re your own boss. If your career is at a…
Subject: Freedom! is sad
Thanks for the email of condolence, G. Or intended condolence. Maybe it’s a compliment, because you’re in the emotion-provoking business, but it made me sadder. I think it was your…
Subject: Bri 2.0, beta test
Want to know the difference between Bri 2.0 and Bri 1.8.2 (the previous release)? Old Bri would wake up and feel friendless and associate my apartment’s persistent kickball smell…
The (An) Interview
Well, it’s been a few weeks. The bike is OK, I guess. It and my bed both don’t fit in my apartment — “This place isn’t big enough for the three of us!” I joked the other day, and kinda wished…
Subject: Creative Juicings
Unbelievable day, Glenn! Major strides in the right direction, re: the future, i.e. forward. I’m still waiting on Buzfeed (I keep accidentally typing “Buzzfeed” and then reading…
Subject: Sherry is not The One.
Must be quick as I’m typing on phone in men’s room at The Golden Horn, very $$$ Turkish restaurant. Salient points:
Re: Sorry
I know you haven’t heard from me in a bit. And the sound you didn’t hear? That was the sound of a reassessment. But, of course, you must have known already — that’s why you were giving me space by…
Subject: The 48 Laws of Bri
Do you remember Freshman year when I was obsessed with the book, “The 48 Laws of Power” by Robert Greene? You probably didn’t know I had an obsession because of my adherence to Law…
Subject: Well, here I am in Fort Lee
My parents’ house. You may remember this was the fate I was desperate to avoid. Yet here I am. Honestly, Glenn, it hurts so bad, I just want to lash out, cause pain to…
Subject: Making moves!
“Respect! Fuck mouth! Tits! Donkey!”
I open my eyes. There’s a furious, shaven-headed, red-faced 32-year-old man — my brother Tommy — working on the Bowflex…
Subject: The girl I left behind
So, I was about to call Alice Lynch. And, like most men, I was trying out different voices I might use on the call. (For example, a rich baritone on the voicemail might hint at a…
Subject: Win!
Glenn. Glenn, Glenn, Glenn. You should put what happened to me last night in one of your movies. No, check that, I’m going to put this in one of my movies.
Subject: Big Steps
Guess who, Glenn? The Bri! I was kind of waiting for you to write to me these last couple of weeks, so I could tell you I’ve been too busy to write back. But you didn’t, so neither did I. But…
Subject: A New Plan
Greetings from home sweet home, a/k/a the love nest, a/k/a the space above Alice’s sister’s garage. It’s pretty sweet. Yes, the roof is low, like I mentioned, but I’ve developed the right…
Subject: This email copyright Brian Conover (jk) (maybe not)
I shouldn’t be writing you. Alice and I agreed that Alice said I should seal myself off from any distractions. That way, I can grind out at least 20…
