The Fiery Trial Will Light Us Down in Dishonour
Dear unmentionables,
Since my last epistle, I have become obsessed with Dr Mehmet Yildiz, editor of Illumination, writer of epically long blogposts, forger of “synergistic outcomes”, flouter of Medium’s rules on duplicate posting, and self-publisher of the one essential book of the twenty-first century, Powerful Life Hacks That Truly Transformed My Life.
The book is worth reading just for Dr Yildiz’s claim that jumping on a trampoline could prevent cancer. Intriguing! Does he have any evidence to back up his claim?
I deliberately did not provide any citations to keep the book simple to read and comprehend … If you want to delve into details, you can use the search terms related to the topics provided in the book. (Life Hacks, Yildiz 2019, page 7)
In other words, Google it.
It’s clear: follow Dr Mehmet Yildiz’s medical advice if you want to HACK YOUR LIFE EXPECTANCY (in two).
This week
This week we’ve published eight new pieces, including four writers new to the Dishonourable Unmentionables fold. Welcome, all!
Robert Criss is back with an inspirational episode, previously lost, from the life of Helen Keller. The Lost Final Chapter Of Helen Keller’s Biography hit my silly sweet spot this week.
Do you know what would have compensated Helen Keller for a life without sight or hearing? Sex with jerks. Phil Witte is here to help with Sex With Jerks: A How-Not-to Guide.
Good sex, even with jerks, is much more complicated than the softly pornographic films of Shannon Tweed led me believe as a teenager. Luckily, Executive Assistant has gained some valuable tips from an unlikely source: This Australian Clitoris Is Tired of You Dainty Lot. Strewth!
Not every woman is scared of being left as dry as a nun’s (or Shannon’s) nasty. Rochelle Newman’s narrator wants her husband to dry her in #BLOW ME, HUBBY! I CAN’T GET TO DRYBAR!
Those without a partner can take comfort in Viggy Hampton, MPH’s story of dating-gone-wrong in And Now I’m Petsitting Potato for Potatoes.
If you need to take a breather after all that smut, Daniel Nest has just the thing to help you cool down. Or does he? 5-Minute Meditation For The Year 2020 might leave you feeling even more anxious than a complaining clitoris.
He’s not the only one struggling with the reality of life in 2020. Lindsay Brown explains how to drive idiomatically in Steer Into the Curve? I’ve Been Steering Into the Curb This Entire Time!
For those wanting to escape the present moment, Larry Ryals has just the thing — Famous Movie Lines, If Spoken By Smithers. Want to see if you can get all the original film titles? Post your answers in the comments. There will be no prize.
Support The Monolith — Humor and Satire!
Dishonourable Unmentionables alumnus Mary Nguyen has set up her own publication, The Monolith, for BIPOC writers of humour and satire. Support her venture! Let’s spread the humour love.
As ever, thanks for reading!
Cheers,
Peter
